To Blog or Not To Blog

When I started this blog just a short while ago the purpose was to provide me with an outlet for all the infertility crap we were dealing with.

Well, not long after I started blogging, I got my BFP.  I'm happy and I try not to complain too much about the symptoms because I worked hard to get here after all.  And I am so fortunate and grateful to be here, 8 weeks pregnant.  I don't feel like I need this blog as an outlet any longer.  And I feel guilty that I have crossed to the other side and left others behind still struggling.  I don't want anyone to read my blog and feel bad for what they don't have.

So, to continue to blog or not to blog? 

Some days I think I should continue and use this as a place to document the pregnancy and my feelings.  Maybe one day my little Cub Scout would like to read it? 

Until my next post.....or not.

The Baby Card

Being pregnant has its advantages.  I get to play the "baby card" with Mr. Scout. 

For example, because of this extreme fatigue he has taken over driving duties.  Whenever we go out somewhere we would usually take turns driving, one day he would drive, the next time I would drive.  Now, he drives all the time and I love it because I much prefer to sit back and relax....and nap.

We were out yesterday and I noticed that Mr. Scout was not wearing his seatbelt.  He wears his seatbelt maybe 50% of the time, whereas I wear mine ALL the time.  When I ask him to wear his seatbelt sometimes he obliges, other times not.  But yesterday when I asked him to wear his seatbelt and he scoffed at the suggestion I played the baby card and said "you know you have a baby on the way" :)  He put on that seatbelt pretty darn quick!

I look forward to when I start showing a bump and people are obliged to give me a seat on the subway and streetcar :)

You Want Me To Work?

Holy f&cking fatigue!  I am tired all the time.  When I'm awake all I can think about is going to sleep.  How the hell does anyone get any work done when they're pregnant?!

Is it just because I am of advanced maternal age that my energy level is so low?  If I were 10 years younger would I be bouncing around the office like the energizer bunny?  My employer should be grateful that I don't have to operate heavy machinery.

Dear Boss, can I close my door, draw the blinds and crawl under my desk and take a nap?  Pretty please.

We Have a Heartbeat!

I can't believe it.  I saw a heartbeat.  I am grateful.  So very, very grateful to be in this position.  Words cannot express how fortunate I feel to have reached this stage.

As I was lying there watching the ultrasound screen I kept seeing this little blinking dot which I knew was the heartbeat.  At the end of the ultrasound the technician asked if I wanted to see the heartbeat and she turned the screen so that I could get a better view.  It was simply amazing.  I'm in awe knowing there is a little heart beating inside of me.

Mr. Scout was not with me but I called him as soon as I left the doctor's office.  When he answered the phone and I heard his voice I got choked up and weepy and all I could say was "it's good."  Then I composed myself and told him that I saw the heartbeat and what it looked like and how it felt to see it.  And I cried some more.

One more small milestone has been passed.  I know I'm only seven weeks.  And I know all too well that things can change in the blink of an eye.  But I will celebrate each and every one of these milestones and be grateful for them. 

Dr. House's office called me this afternoon and said I have "graduated."  Wow.  I wasn't expecting that to happen so soon.  I thought I'd still have a few more weeks of follow up appointments.  But, I can't say I'm disappointed. 

I exhaled a little bit more today.  Whew!

A Little Feminist

I had an ultrasound yesterday at exactly 6 weeks pregnant.  A gestational sac and yolk sac were visible, but not the heartbeat.  I was told ahead of time that it might be too early to see the heartbeat.  I'm not worried.  I am confident I will see that little heartbeat at next week's ultrasound.

Mr. Scout said yesterday he has a feeling our little Cub Scout is a girl.  I've had the same feeling.  However on my part it is probably more wishful thinking than a feeling.  There are many reasons I want to have a daughter.  Amongst them, I had an amazing relationship with my maternal grandmother and I miss her daily.  I would love to have a little girl that I can name after my grandmother.  I would love to have a little girl and watch her develop a relationship with my mom like I had with my grandmother.  Not to mention, I think women are amazing beings and I would love to raise a little feminist :) 

I recently read the following on thefeministbreeder.com/ blog and all the things she wrote are more reasons why I would love a little girl:

Without a Daughter:

• I’ll never be the mother of a bride.
• I’ll never watch one of my children grow a baby.
• I’ll never watch one of my children breastfeed a baby.
• I’ll never share my wisdom of womanhood with someone who has similar parts as mine.
• I’ll never get to see what another female with my DNA would look like.
• I’ll never get to be a mother to a female who breaks down barriers.
• My husband will never walk a daughter down the aisle.

The list goes on and on.  Maybe one of my kids will marry a girl who I can relate to on these issues, but get real – how many women want their Mother-In-Law to see them give birth?  How many want their Mother-In-Law to help them pick out a wedding dress? 

I have an wonderful relationship with my mom and my aunt.  When my grandmother was alive and the four of us were together it was simply amazing.  I want a little girl to join our clan and share the relationship and bond I have with my mom and my aunt.

That's a lot of pressure eh?  If this little Cub Scout is a boy, no doubt I will love and adore him.  But I would be lying if I said I didn't have a preference for a daughter.  I know a lot of people would say that I should just be happy to have a healthy baby, and I will.  And perhaps people will think it is too early in the pregnancy to be having thoughts like this.  But I won't apologize for having a preference.  Judge me all you want, but that's my truth.

Choosing Joy

Even though I know things can go from good to bad in the blink of an eye and I live with this fear in the back of my mind every second of every day - including when I'm sleeping (see Mind Games post below), I am choosing to be joyous about this pregnancy.

I want to enjoy it.  I don't want to live in fear that something awful will happen.  I want to make plans and dream about the future with our little Cub Scout.  And, surprisingly enough, I am more joyous this time than I was with the first pregnancy.  With the first pregnancy I was naive.  Everyone knows miscarriage is a possibility, but when you experience your very first pregnancy, it's not something you think will happen to you, at least I didn't.  With my first pregnancy I was in shock mostly.  Even though it was a planned pregnancy, it was still a shock that I was pregnant.  Granted, I didn't have as much time to get used to the idea of being pregnant before it was over, but still, I can't say I felt joyous about it.

This time, lots and lots of joy!  I have to thank my infertility journey for that.  Had I not been through the things I went through this past year I don't know if I would feel the same amout of joy.  It's different after you've had a loss.  You appreciate it more.  It's as simple as that.

Freak Out Over

After yesterday's freak out session about the cramping I was experiencing I am happy to say that today things are back to normal.

I overreacted yesterday, no doubt.  But for those of us who have had a previous loss it's understandable.  It changes you.  With my first pregnancy I knew miscarriage was a possibility, but I had no idea what the pain and grief would feel like if it were to occur.  Now that I have experienced that pain, and know how devastating it is, the thought of having to deal with it again is terrifying.  Hence, yesterday's panic.

It feels great to be back in a (somewhat) calm place.

I'm so grateful to be carrying my little Cub Scout but it doesn't change the fact that I wish there were some things I could change.

I wish I could feel confident that I will reach a point in this pregnancy where I feel comfortable, but I don't think that is going to happen.

I wish I could have conceived in the privacy of my home with Mr. Scout.  Instead, our little Cub Scout was conceived in a lab, with technicians/nurses/doctors and Mr. Scout and I were not present.

I wish that when we share the news of our pregnancy with our family they will understand what a miracle it is - right now, they have no idea of our journey.

Regardless of the things I feel I may be missing out on I feel so fortunate to be pregnant and I won't take it for granted for even one second.

Mind Games

I woke at 5 a.m. this morning with menstrual-like cramps.  Just prior to waking I was dreaming that I was having another miscarriage.  I lay in bed for about an hour analyzing the cramping but too terrified to get up and see if there was any bleeding.

I'd been in this exact position before.  Exactly one year + one week ago TODAY was when I woke up with cramps and started bleeding shortly thereafter.  That day I went to the ER and after blood work and ultrasound was told I was miscarrying and sent home.

My only thoughts are this can't be happening again.  How can I deal with this again?  Was it psychosomatic?  Did I wake up feeling cramps because I was dreaming about miscarrying?  Or was I actually experiencing cramps and my subconscious mind led me to the dream of miscarrying?  Fucking Mind Games. 

At 6 a.m. I got up the courage to get out of bed.  Mr. Scout was still sleeping so I didn't wake him.  I went to the washroom, and thankfully, no bleeding.  But with my first loss the bleeding didn't start right away, it started a couple of hours after the cramping began.  I went and sat on the couch and naturally checked Dr. Google to see what she had to say about cramps in early pregnancy.  It is not uncommon to experience cramps this early on and as long as it is not accompanied by bleeding it seems there is no immediate cause for concern.  This helped me feel a little better, but not much.  Early cramping can be a sign of the uterus stretching.

The cramping persists, but it is milder than my usual menstrual cramps and milder than the cramping I had with my loss last year.  And it seems to come and go.  I got ready for work and still no bleeding.  I now sit at my desk unable to focus on ANYTHING.  Still no bleeding and only minor cramping.

I've been feeling so positive.  Despite the loss last year, and even though the possibility of losing this pregnancy is always in the back of my mind, I haven't let it dominate.  I want to enjoy this pregnancy and I have been.  Until this morning.  Now I'm terrified.  And mad.  Mad at the universe, mad at my body, mad at the fertility gods, mad at whatever...why can't you let me enjoy this?  Fucking fertility rollercoaster.

Please little Cub Scout hang on.

"Oh Yes, Pregnant!"

I love my Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM)/acupuncture doctor.  I call her Dr. Zen because every acupuncture treatment puts me in what I describe as a zen-like state.

I did weekly treatments for about 8 months.  Just before starting IVF I took a break from all things fertility-related including acupuncture...and I missed it terribly.  However I made sure I had pre- and post-IVF transfer acupuncture treatments because studies show it can greatly improve outcomes.

Yesterday I went for my first treatment since learning I was pregnant.  As soon as Dr. Zen felt my pulse she exclaimed "Oh yes, pregnant!"  It was a nice feeling to know I had that pregnancy pulse that she checked for so many times during our 8 months of treatments.  I used to tell her when I didn't think I was pregnant and she would check my pulse and say "no, I don't think this is your month." 

During treatments I often drift into a semi-conscious state.  It's not uncommon for me to feel high walking out of her office, like I've just smoked some really good pot.  Yesterday, the combination of the dim lights, relaxation music, lavender scented eye mask and the cozy blanket she placed on top of me made me drift into one of those deep zen-like states.  My body felt like it melted into a puddle.  It was pure bliss.  I hope my little Cub Scout enjoyed it as much as I did :)

When Do You Believe?

It hasn't sunk in yet that I'm pregnant.  Exhaustion, bloating and sore boobs aside, am I really pregnant?  It's a very foreign place to be right now.  I never expected to deal with infertility and then once I was forced to deal with that horrible reality part of me never expected to actually be pregnant one day.  Sure I hoped and tried really hard to get here, but there was a small part of me that wondered if perhaps it wasn't in the cards for me. 

Not drinking is not helping it to sink in.  This weekend I declined a glass of wine - which is unheard of for me - and blamed it on this cold that I'm just getting over.  I got invited out for drinks with girlfriends next weekend which I declined because how the hell am I supposed to go to out for drinks and not have a glass (or two or three) of wine without raising suspicion?  There's no excuse good enough that my friends will believe.  And I am not ready to tell them. 

I am frantically trying to find a midwife - even though I live in a big city with several midwifery practices there is such high demand for midwives that finding a midwife is almost next to impossible.  I ordered some birthing books.  Yet it still hasn't sunk in.

When will I believe that's it real?  When I see a little speck or blob on an ultrasound that is supposed to be a baby?  When I hear a heartbeat?  When I puke?  When I no longer fit into my clothes?  When I finally tell my family?  When I start decorating the empty room in our house that I would never let Mr. Scout turn into a guest room because it was always intended to be a nursery?

When did you believe?

One Nine Four

Beta #2 = 194.

That's more than double the first beta.

One milestone crossed.  A million more to go.  But I can exhale just a little bit this afternoon.

One Nine Four.  I like that number.  Usually I hate numbers.  I'm not a numbers person.  Mr. Scout is a numbers guy.  I call him the Minister of Finance.  I can't wait to share this number with him.

Wanted: Positivity

I went for my second beta this morning.  This, to me is just as important if not moreso than the first beta which confirmed the pregnancy.  This beta number needs to be at least double what the first one was.  If it hasn't doubled then there's cause for concern.

I am on pins and needles waiting for the clinic to call me with the number.  Because they haven't called yet I am trying really hard to not jump to conclusions and assume it is bad news.  Sometimes they call within 2 hours of my blood draw, sometimes 5 hours later.  But today this number is so critical that I'm on the verge of having a meltdown.

Please, oh please, let it be a good number.

Found: BFP!

I got the news yesterday from Dr. House's clinic that I am in fact pregnant.  I was not surprised by this news.  I went back and forth between thinking I absolutely was not pregnant to thinking that maybe I could be.

The nurse who called to give me the news said she expected more of a reaction from me.  I told her I had been here before with a not-so-good outcome so right now I was being cautiously optimistic.  Late last night I realized that the best part of her job is probably when she calls patients to give them news of a positive pregnancy test and my reaction might have ruined that a little bit for her.  I feel bad.  The nurses at the clinic are so wonderful and I'm sure they have to deliver bad news more often than good.  If I see her next time I'm at the clinic I will make sure to tell her how much the pregnancy means to me.

So, mixed emotions for me right now.  Cautiously optimistic is the best way to describe how I feel.  I'm very happy and shocked that my first IVF worked.  So often it doesn't.  But it was one year ago exactly that I got a positive pregnancy result from my doctor for my first pregnancy and in the blink of an eye it was over.

A good friend reminded me that every single pregnancy is different and I need to find a way to feel joy about this pregnancy.  I agree with her.  But still it's hard.  With time, I'm sure the excitement will grow.  Especially as I get past certain milestones that I never experienced with the first pregnancy.

Until then, I'm still in a little bit of shock that this actually worked.  And a little bit freaked out that I might actually have a BABY.  I was the girl growing up who never wanted babies.  I never dreamt of being a mother.  And here I am wanting a family with Mr. Scout more than anything.  How did I get here?  I don't recognize myself right now.

Another thing I dont recognize - my body.  I still have bloat from the IVF meds and am probably going to go straight from bloat to baby bump.  I've always been the thin girl.  I don't deal well with bloat.  I know there are lots of wanna be mamas who would love nothing more than to have some baby bloat/bump.  But we're all different and while I'm so grateful for this BFP, accepting the changes to my body is going to be one of my battles. 

It's starting to sink in that a lot of things are going to change between now and July.

Eternal Optimist...But Not Today

Eternal Optimist:
1. A person who never ceases to give up hope in something they believe.
2. A person who will continue to believe in something or a positive outcome till the end of time.

This is me.  For me, "the glass is always half full."  Mr. Scout thinks I see the world through rose-coloured glasses - all the time.  I believe in the power of positive thinking.  I believe thoughts influence outcomes.

But not today.

I feel like this IVF cycle didn't work.  I don't know why.  It scares me that I feel this way.  What if feeling this way makes it true?  Why do I feel this way?  Was my response to the injections too good to be true and I don't want to get my hopes up?  Is it a defence mechanism because this is supposed to be our greatest chance at getting pregnant and what if that doesn't happen?  Am I scared that if it does work I'll lose the pregnancy again?  Is it because in the infertile world it seems like success stories are so rare?

I hate feeling this way. 

This is not me.

Loaded

Embryo transfer was a few days ago.  As I was lying on the table waiting for the procedure Dr. House told the nurse in the other room to load 'em up - meaning put the embryos in the needle.  Once the nurse was done she said "loaded" and passed the needle through the little window.  I am now officially "loaded."  That has such a different connotation than it did when I was in my twenties.

We transferred four (!!!!) embryos.  Four (!!!!) Grade 1 embryos.  Four (!!!!) embryos, two of which were 8-cell and two which were 6-cell.  We have 9 frozen embryos on ice should we need them.  17 were retrieved.  Apparently this is a really good response.  Especially for someone my age.  Dr. House said he had to double-check my chronological age because the number of embryos and their quality didn't look like they came from someone my age.  So if my eggs were so damn good why the hell weren't we able to get pregnant on our own???

My ovaries are apparently not very happy with what I put them through these last couple of weeks.  They are very enlarged and agitated.  I've still got some bloating and soreness which I'm told isn't going to go away anytime soon.  Naively, I thought as soon as the retrieval was done I'd start to feel like my old self again.  I guess if I find the BFP this cycle it's going to be a looooong time before I feel like my old self.

So now I wait.  We transferred four (!!!!) based on my age and the odds of success.  But I want just one baby.  I don't even know if my body could handle more than one.  So I wait.  Amazingly I'm not feeling anxious at all.  Whatever is going to be will be.  I've done everything I can.  Now it's just up to those embies if they want to stick around or not.

I'm Supposed To Be Excited, Right?

I triggered last night and my egg retrieval is going to take place Tuesday morning.  While I have lots of follicles, my E2 level is not as high as the number of follicles would indicate.  Dr. House says this is not a bad thing, it just means that we will get fewer eggs than the number of follicles indicate.  He's still projecting 8-12 eggs, which is a great number.

Maybe it is fear of the unknown since this is my first IVF, but I am not really excited.  I am happy to be done with the injections and happy that one way or another this cycle will soon be over with but I can't say I feel excited.  Maybe the thought of a pregnancy/baby is just so foreign that I can't grasp it.  I don't feel like it's not going to work, but I'm not convinced it is going to work either.  I guess I don't want to give myself a sense of false hope only to be disappointed.

If the IVF doesn't work I don't know if I'd do this again.  For one, its been incredibly unpleasant.  I've had so much discomfort from the growing follicles.  I'm bloated and sore and miserable.  Also, I don't wholly trust western medicine.  It makes me nervous to manipulate my body in this way.  I was willing to give it a shot, but to do this again and again....probably not within my comfort level.  Not to mention it's a lot of money.  Will Mr. Scout and I want to pay  for more procedures when there is no guarantee of the outcome? 

Anxious?  Yes.  Nervous?  Yes.  Hopeful?  A little.  Scared?  Yes.  Excited?  Not really.

Maybe this is all just because I'm one big hormonal mess right now.

Waiting to Exhale

When reading other people's IF/TTC blogs it's common to come across posts where the blogger is waiting.  When TTC you're always waiting for something.  Waiting for your period so you can start your next cycle, waiting for results from blood work and ultrasounds, waiting to ovulate, waiting to test for pregnancy...

Today I feel like I'm just waiting to exhale.  My egg retrieval is not going to happen this weekend.  Right now it looks like the earliest it will happen is Tuesday.  Until then I inject and I wait.  After the retrieval I'll be waiting to hear how many eggs were fertilized.  After that I'll be waiting for the transfer.  After the transfer I'll be waiting for the pregnancy test.  When do I get to exhale?

Confessions of an Infertile

• I sometimes resent women who get pregnant without any difficulty.  I can't help but wonder if they know how truly miraculous a pregnancy is.  And can they have the same appreciation for pregnancy and children that I would have after what I've been through?*

• I'm not fully out of the IF closet.  Only a few friends know about my journey and mostly they are amazing women who have battled IF themselves.  I know my family would want to know, but I can't bring myself to inflict our pain on them.

• There are days when I don't know if I really want the end result...it feels like too much work to keep going.

• I don't regret not TTC sooner.  There's no way to know if the result would have been any different.  And I loved my life pre-TTC.  Me and Mr. Scout had some amazing fun and adventure.

• I feel guilty that my IF journey has been "easy" compared to that of other women.  What right do I have to complain and feel upset or angry when what I've endured is nothing compared to what they've endured?

• I shop...A LOT.  It makes me feel better.  And I justify it by telling myself that once I have children I won't be able to spoil myself this much so I had better take advantage of it now.  And it makes me feel better.  If I can't have a baby then damnit I'm going to have those fabulous shoes...and that stunning dress...and that 63rd bottle of nail polish that I don't really need.  And did I tell you it makes me feel better?

• I spend way too much time at work reading other people's IF blogs.

*By no means do I think this will make me a better parent.  Parenting is the hardest job in the world I'm sure.  But like anything in life, if you have to work hard to achieve it don't you appreciate it a little more than if it was just handed to you without much effort?

Holy Follicles Batman!

Our plan was to do IUI this cycle with the injections. But when Dr. House's office called this morning after my bloodwork and ultrasound the nurse said I have "really taken off" - meaning I have responded too well and have a lot of follicles growing at good sizes. 
 
Based on how I have responded Dr. House is recommending converting my cycle to IVF.
 
Since I have a lot of follicles every month to start with, stimulating them with drugs meant there was a chance they could "really take off" and my cycle would have to be converted to IVF to avoid the risk of multiples.  I absolutely do not want to be an Octo-mom.  Avoiding multiples is a no-brainer for me.  So after a short discussion with Mr. Scout, a good friend, and my message board buddies, Mr. Scout and I decided we're going to take a shot at IVF. 

It ain't cheap...so this may well be our one and only IVF.  I'm confident that it's the way to go.  If it works then holy crap I'll be pregnant soon!  If it doesn't work then I'll know I tried and maybe going forward I'll be able to let go a little bit and just let whatever will be, be.

My stats this morning - 8 follicles on the right side measuring:
3 @ 17mm
1 @ 16mm
2 @ 15mm
1 @ 13mm
1 @ 12mm

5 follicles on the left side measuring:
1 @ 15mm
2 @ 13mm
1 @ 12mm
1 @ 11mm

I had a feeling my ovaries were partying and getting high on the drugs!!!

The plan now:

• continuing injecting the Gonal F
• go to the clinic Thursday afternoon for a Cetrotide injection
• go to the clinic Friday morning for bloodwork and ultrasound
• give myself a trigger shot likely sometime Friday evening or Saturday
• retrieval will take place Sunday or Monday
• transfer 3 days after that

This is all happening so fast!

Dr. House

For ease of writing I've decided to give my Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) a name.  Henceforth, I'm calling him Dr. House after t.v.'s Dr. Gregory House.  If you've watched the t.v. show House you know that Dr. House's bedside manner occasionally leaves something to be desired. 

My RE can also be a little rough around the edges sometimes.  I think my RE is an excellent doctor and some days he's very personable, but other days he can be a little blunt and it's on those days that he reminds of t.v.'s Dr. House.  Just to be clear, he's nothing like the t.v. Dr. House who is rude and sarcastic - for the most part my RE is a very nice guy, but some days he can be very straightforward.

And I appreciate his straightforward manner.  I'm a tell-it-to-me-like-it-is kinda gal.  I would hate a cheerleadery (I don't care if that's not a real word) type doctor who told me every cycle was going to be the cycle where I get pregnant.  I believe in positivity, but I don't need someone giving me false hope or a pep talk every time I see him/her.

So Dr. House it is.

Oh My Achin' Ovaries

This is day 4 of injections and while the side effects are few, there are a couple.  Some mild headaches here and there and some achin' ovaries.  I never knew you could actually feel your ovaries until now - I guess that's what happens when you put them in overdrive.  I imagine they're having a little party in there - my ovaries are gettin' high!  Well dear ovaries, amidst all that partying, I hope you are cooking up some good eggs!

But so far, I'll take these side effects over the side effect from my one cycle of Clomid.  I was on the lowest dose of Clomid and I had hot flashes.  Hot flashes in my sleep, hot flashes at work, hot flashes everywhere.  Not. Fun.  All I could think was if this is a preview of what menopause is going to be like then I want no part of it.

This morning I had to go to the clinic for bloodwork and ultrasound.  Waking up early on a Sunay morning to be poked and prodded with a needle and an ultrasound wand is not the best way to start your day.  But it's amazing what becomes your new normal after doing it so many times. 

Injecting is quickly becoming my new normal too.  Mr. Scout and I went to another couple's house for dinner last night.  I took my drug paraphenalia with me and injected in their washroom.  Shooting up in other people's houses - so this is what it's come to eh? 

Oh, and one last thing, apparently the only time having a nice flat stomach isn't a good thing is when you have to find enough fat to pinch to insert a needle.  Who knew!

Now That I've Got A Blog...

I thought I'd post some random musings about what I've learned since we started trying to become 1 + 1 = 3

Infertility (IF) sucks.  It really does.  But when life hands me sour grapes I always try to make wine.  So what have I learned thus far? 

• A pregnancy is precious.  When I see pregnant friends or family or even strangers I can appreciate how precious their pregnancy is (even if the preggo herself doesn't realize it.)  Before my IF journey I had no idea how fragile and miraculous a pregnancy really is.
• There are far too many women out there on message boards and in blog-land who are struggling with IF.  We are not alone and a virtual hug is always just a few keystrokes away.   Thank you to the ladies who have hugged me and offered words of advice and support.  I wouldn't know you if I bumped into you on the street, but you have calmed my fears, eased my pain and answered more questions than you'll ever know.  I couldn't have got through any of this without you.
• Women are amazing beings, this I've always known.  But women dealing with IF, perhaps some of the strongest women ever!
• The best friend in the world is one who will listen to you when you need to talk about your IF pain, even when she is experiencing her own IF struggles.  It's a horrible bond to have to share, but it creates a friendship like no other.

Having said all this, there are days when it feels like life has handed me a big bunch of sour grapes and there is no way to make wine out of them...but those days always pass and I get by with a little help from my friends (virtual and real) and Mr. Scout!

Never Say Never

I have done something I said I would never do...I injected myself with meds that are supposed to help me find that ever-elusive BFP.  The injection wasn't too bad, it was pretty simple actually and pain-free.  The hardest part was the emotional anguish. 

When I started on this path to conception I swore that no matter where my infertility journey took me, I would never resort to injections.  I guess part of me believed it would never get to this point.  After all, my RE has found no medical reason for us to not get pregnant.  If there's nothing "wrong" then surely I wouldn't need assisted reproductive technologies right? 

Well, I learned a big fat lesson - never say never.  I never thought I would want to experience pregnancy and childbirth enough to make me resort to injecting myself with synthetic hormones.  I was the girl who was never even sure she wanted to have children.  But then one day I realized that I really, really did want a family with Mr. Scout.  (Mr. Scout and I are also pursuing adoption and it has always been part of our plan to create a family both through adoption and hopefully have a biological child as well.) 

Well clearly things have changed and infertility has taken me places I never thought I would go.  How long will I stay on this road?  I don't know.  Where else will it take me?  That remains to be seen.

In searching for courage to give myself that first injection last night I thought of my grandmother.  I told myself that if she could battle cancer, certainly I could poke myself with a little needle.  I used to take her to her chemotherapy appointments and sit with her as she received treatment and she always, always put on a brave face.  She passed away almost 10 years ago, but she is with me every single day, and especially last night. 

In a perfect world, this cycle of injects will be successful and I will have a little girl who I can name in memory of my grandmother.  Sadly, one of the lessons you quickly learn when battling infertility is that things rarely work out the way you plan.  With every injection I will tell myself that I am one step closer to my goal.  And if for some reason this cycle isn't successful then I will find the strength to rally and carry on wherever the road may lead.

Here we go...

Today seems an apt day to start this blog.  I will be giving myself my very first injection tonight and will have to muster all the courage and strength I can!  I know it won't be nearly as bad as I think it will, and if others can do it, I can certainly do it.

The last few weeks have been particularly difficult as I was trying to decide whether or not to start injections.  Writing has always been a good outlet for me in trying times so I thought perhaps it was a time for a blog.  I have some wonderful friends who are always there to listen and provide support and Mr. Scout is my rock, but sometimes I get tired of talking about this journey and need another avenue to release my thoughts.

Also, as I've stumbled down this road of infertility I feel more and more that there is too much silence around the issue.  As I have slowly shared my journey with people in my life I have come to learn that some of them have travelled down similar paths and it saddens me that I never knew of their struggle because infertility is just not something that is openly talked about. 

My hope is that my writing here will be therapeutic for me, and if along the way someone else reads something I've written and finds comfort in it, well then, all the better.