Even though I know things can go from good to bad in the blink of an eye and I live with this fear in the back of my mind every second of every day - including when I'm sleeping (see Mind Games post below), I am choosing to be joyous about this pregnancy.
I want to enjoy it. I don't want to live in fear that something awful will happen. I want to make plans and dream about the future with our little Cub Scout. And, surprisingly enough, I am more joyous this time than I was with the first pregnancy. With the first pregnancy I was naive. Everyone knows miscarriage is a possibility, but when you experience your very first pregnancy, it's not something you think will happen to you, at least I didn't. With my first pregnancy I was in shock mostly. Even though it was a planned pregnancy, it was still a shock that I was pregnant. Granted, I didn't have as much time to get used to the idea of being pregnant before it was over, but still, I can't say I felt joyous about it.
This time, lots and lots of joy! I have to thank my infertility journey for that. Had I not been through the things I went through this past year I don't know if I would feel the same amout of joy. It's different after you've had a loss. You appreciate it more. It's as simple as that.
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