Found: BFP!

I got the news yesterday from Dr. House's clinic that I am in fact pregnant.  I was not surprised by this news.  I went back and forth between thinking I absolutely was not pregnant to thinking that maybe I could be.

The nurse who called to give me the news said she expected more of a reaction from me.  I told her I had been here before with a not-so-good outcome so right now I was being cautiously optimistic.  Late last night I realized that the best part of her job is probably when she calls patients to give them news of a positive pregnancy test and my reaction might have ruined that a little bit for her.  I feel bad.  The nurses at the clinic are so wonderful and I'm sure they have to deliver bad news more often than good.  If I see her next time I'm at the clinic I will make sure to tell her how much the pregnancy means to me.

So, mixed emotions for me right now.  Cautiously optimistic is the best way to describe how I feel.  I'm very happy and shocked that my first IVF worked.  So often it doesn't.  But it was one year ago exactly that I got a positive pregnancy result from my doctor for my first pregnancy and in the blink of an eye it was over.

A good friend reminded me that every single pregnancy is different and I need to find a way to feel joy about this pregnancy.  I agree with her.  But still it's hard.  With time, I'm sure the excitement will grow.  Especially as I get past certain milestones that I never experienced with the first pregnancy.

Until then, I'm still in a little bit of shock that this actually worked.  And a little bit freaked out that I might actually have a BABY.  I was the girl growing up who never wanted babies.  I never dreamt of being a mother.  And here I am wanting a family with Mr. Scout more than anything.  How did I get here?  I don't recognize myself right now.

Another thing I dont recognize - my body.  I still have bloat from the IVF meds and am probably going to go straight from bloat to baby bump.  I've always been the thin girl.  I don't deal well with bloat.  I know there are lots of wanna be mamas who would love nothing more than to have some baby bloat/bump.  But we're all different and while I'm so grateful for this BFP, accepting the changes to my body is going to be one of my battles. 

It's starting to sink in that a lot of things are going to change between now and July.