Never Say Never

I have done something I said I would never do...I injected myself with meds that are supposed to help me find that ever-elusive BFP.  The injection wasn't too bad, it was pretty simple actually and pain-free.  The hardest part was the emotional anguish. 

When I started on this path to conception I swore that no matter where my infertility journey took me, I would never resort to injections.  I guess part of me believed it would never get to this point.  After all, my RE has found no medical reason for us to not get pregnant.  If there's nothing "wrong" then surely I wouldn't need assisted reproductive technologies right? 

Well, I learned a big fat lesson - never say never.  I never thought I would want to experience pregnancy and childbirth enough to make me resort to injecting myself with synthetic hormones.  I was the girl who was never even sure she wanted to have children.  But then one day I realized that I really, really did want a family with Mr. Scout.  (Mr. Scout and I are also pursuing adoption and it has always been part of our plan to create a family both through adoption and hopefully have a biological child as well.) 

Well clearly things have changed and infertility has taken me places I never thought I would go.  How long will I stay on this road?  I don't know.  Where else will it take me?  That remains to be seen.

In searching for courage to give myself that first injection last night I thought of my grandmother.  I told myself that if she could battle cancer, certainly I could poke myself with a little needle.  I used to take her to her chemotherapy appointments and sit with her as she received treatment and she always, always put on a brave face.  She passed away almost 10 years ago, but she is with me every single day, and especially last night. 

In a perfect world, this cycle of injects will be successful and I will have a little girl who I can name in memory of my grandmother.  Sadly, one of the lessons you quickly learn when battling infertility is that things rarely work out the way you plan.  With every injection I will tell myself that I am one step closer to my goal.  And if for some reason this cycle isn't successful then I will find the strength to rally and carry on wherever the road may lead.