Mind Games

I woke at 5 a.m. this morning with menstrual-like cramps.  Just prior to waking I was dreaming that I was having another miscarriage.  I lay in bed for about an hour analyzing the cramping but too terrified to get up and see if there was any bleeding.

I'd been in this exact position before.  Exactly one year + one week ago TODAY was when I woke up with cramps and started bleeding shortly thereafter.  That day I went to the ER and after blood work and ultrasound was told I was miscarrying and sent home.

My only thoughts are this can't be happening again.  How can I deal with this again?  Was it psychosomatic?  Did I wake up feeling cramps because I was dreaming about miscarrying?  Or was I actually experiencing cramps and my subconscious mind led me to the dream of miscarrying?  Fucking Mind Games. 

At 6 a.m. I got up the courage to get out of bed.  Mr. Scout was still sleeping so I didn't wake him.  I went to the washroom, and thankfully, no bleeding.  But with my first loss the bleeding didn't start right away, it started a couple of hours after the cramping began.  I went and sat on the couch and naturally checked Dr. Google to see what she had to say about cramps in early pregnancy.  It is not uncommon to experience cramps this early on and as long as it is not accompanied by bleeding it seems there is no immediate cause for concern.  This helped me feel a little better, but not much.  Early cramping can be a sign of the uterus stretching.

The cramping persists, but it is milder than my usual menstrual cramps and milder than the cramping I had with my loss last year.  And it seems to come and go.  I got ready for work and still no bleeding.  I now sit at my desk unable to focus on ANYTHING.  Still no bleeding and only minor cramping.

I've been feeling so positive.  Despite the loss last year, and even though the possibility of losing this pregnancy is always in the back of my mind, I haven't let it dominate.  I want to enjoy this pregnancy and I have been.  Until this morning.  Now I'm terrified.  And mad.  Mad at the universe, mad at my body, mad at the fertility gods, mad at whatever...why can't you let me enjoy this?  Fucking fertility rollercoaster.

Please little Cub Scout hang on.