First, kudos to all those mommy bloggers who find time to write! I find it near impossible to find time to blog. How do you mommy's do it????
There is so much to write that I don't even know where to start.
As much as I thought I loved Cub Scout when I wrote my last post...that was nothing. I feel like my heart swells and grows with love for him more every day. I love everything about him. I love the sounds he makes when he's nursing. Sometimes I will just close my eyes and listen and try to burn those sounds into my brain so that I never forget them. I love his cry. He doesn't cry much, but when he does, oh is it ever cute :) I love watching him grow and change. It's so fun to see him on the verge of a milestone and then achieve it. I could see him being close to being able to laugh for a couple of weeks and then he finally did. I could see him being close to being able to roll and then he did. Right now I can see him being close to being able to sit up on his own and soon he will. Every milestone he reaches is something to celebrate and the littlest things make you so proud.
He is now 5 months old and I don't know where the time as gone. Soon he'll be 6 months and then my one year maternity leave will be half over. I don't know how I'm ever going to go back to work. I cannot conceive of it. How can I leave my little boy in someone else's care all day long? That, to me, is just wrong. He should be with his mommy. I should be the one feeding him and reading to him and singing to him and putting him to sleep at nap time - not someone else.
I can't believe there was a time when I wasn't sure I wanted children. I wish we had started our family sooner. While I loved my life before Cub Scout and all the things we were able to do, I wish my little boy came into my life sooner.
Being a parent is...well there are no words right now. It's everything good in the world all rolled up into one. Nothing has brought me greater joy.
I hope we have more children. I want to feel this love over and over again. Though I imagine my little Cub Scout will always hold a special place in my heart because he is my first :)
I wish there was some cohesion to this post, but its been so long since I've blogged that I can't focus.
December 14, 2011
August 9, 2011
He's Here
And he arrived almost 4 weeks ago! Where has 4 weeks gone??! There's so much to say about the last 4 weeks but it seems I have no time to write it all.
Cub Scout arrived 12 days early at 38 weeks and 2 days. My water began leaking a couple of days before his birth. I did not want to be induced so on the instruction of my midwives I went for acupuncture and took castor oil and that seemed to do the trick. Labour started later that evening and Cub Scout arrived in dramatic fashion - just a couple of hours of labour and he was here. I delivered him at home in our bedroom with the assistance of the midwives.
It was my perfect birth. I couldn't have asked for anything different. It was a wonderful experience.
Cub Scout is perfect and we are smitten with him.
Being a mommy is amazing. And still hard to believe some days. We aren't into any sort of routine yet. And the lack of sleep is challenging. I don't feel myself yet...I have to remind myself that it's not yet been 4 weeks since I gave birth and it will take time until I feel better.
These days Cub Scout and I just take it easy. Sleep and eat and rest is all we do. I would like to do more but outings seem like too much just yet. Maybe in a couple of more weeks.
It's amazing the love you feel for a child. There's nothing like it.
I love staring at him.
I love holding him.
I love nursing him.
I love seeing him in his daddy's arms.
I love seeing the love his grandparents have for him.
I am blessed.
Cub Scout arrived 12 days early at 38 weeks and 2 days. My water began leaking a couple of days before his birth. I did not want to be induced so on the instruction of my midwives I went for acupuncture and took castor oil and that seemed to do the trick. Labour started later that evening and Cub Scout arrived in dramatic fashion - just a couple of hours of labour and he was here. I delivered him at home in our bedroom with the assistance of the midwives.
It was my perfect birth. I couldn't have asked for anything different. It was a wonderful experience.
Cub Scout is perfect and we are smitten with him.
Being a mommy is amazing. And still hard to believe some days. We aren't into any sort of routine yet. And the lack of sleep is challenging. I don't feel myself yet...I have to remind myself that it's not yet been 4 weeks since I gave birth and it will take time until I feel better.
These days Cub Scout and I just take it easy. Sleep and eat and rest is all we do. I would like to do more but outings seem like too much just yet. Maybe in a couple of more weeks.
It's amazing the love you feel for a child. There's nothing like it.
I love staring at him.
I love holding him.
I love nursing him.
I love seeing him in his daddy's arms.
I love seeing the love his grandparents have for him.
I am blessed.
July 10, 2011
Week 37 - Everything I Want to Remember
How far along: 37 weeks 5 days
Total weight gain/loss: Up 25 lbs. (Current weight = 123 lbs)
Maternity clothes: I am ready to stop wearing them and get back into some of pre-pregnancy clothes!
Stretch marks: None (Thank God)
Sleep: Trying to take the advice of parents I know who keep telling me to sleep now because I won't be able to once Cub Scout arrives. I take afternoon naps, sleep in a little longer...
Movement: No changes in movement but we have had the addition of hiccups for a few weeks now.
Cravings: Wine! I wouldn't say it is so much a craving as I'm just really looking forward to having a glass at some point. It didn't help that we went to a wine bar with friends after dinner for a night cap and all I could do was smell Mr. Cub Scout's wine.
Aversions: None
Gender: A little man
Symptoms: Nothing you would expect this late in the game - no swelling, no cramping, no pelvic pressure
What I miss: My mobility
What I look forward to: The end result...I've been pregnant long enough now
Moods: Mostly calm and content. Some days a little anxious at what's just around the corner but other days just peaceful and ready to begin the next phase of this journey.
Milestones: I reached full-term this week
Medical Concerns: None
Weekly Wisdom: Family is the greatest thing in the world
Worst moment this week: The only thing to complain about is the heat and living in a house without air conditioning
Best moment this week: Having some guy in the checkout line in front of me say "Do you know you're having a boy?" "Why do you say that?" I ask. He says "because you haven't lost your beauty." LMFAO. I've heard that old wives' tale that girls steal your looks and I've been pretty fortunate that I look exacty the same during this pregnancy as I did previously and the only weight gain I've had is in the belly. Cheesey as his line may have been I loved it :) What 9 months' pregnant woman wouldn't love to hear that?? :)
Best moment this week: Having some guy in the checkout line in front of me say "Do you know you're having a boy?" "Why do you say that?" I ask. He says "because you haven't lost your beauty." LMFAO. I've heard that old wives' tale that girls steal your looks and I've been pretty fortunate that I look exacty the same during this pregnancy as I did previously and the only weight gain I've had is in the belly. Cheesey as his line may have been I loved it :) What 9 months' pregnant woman wouldn't love to hear that?? :)
July 5, 2011
Full-term, Baby!
37 weeks today means I am officially full-term and Cub Scout could make his appearance at any time. Though I'm hoping he hangs on for a few more weeks.
Despite being a small-framed gal and having gained only 25 lbs this pregnancy, Cub Scout is apparently not a small baby. I have mixed emotions knowing that. Of course I am relieved and grateful that he isn't small and that I don't have to worry about not gaining enough weight - despite trying very hard (yes, I am one of those skinny bitches who doesn't look pregnant anywhere except my belly). But, hearing that your baby is not small is not comforting in the final weeks before birth when you know you're going to be pushing him out of you!
It's so hard to believe I'm at the end of this journey. And it's still sometimes hard to believe I'm even here. Why did I get so lucky? I've tried very hard to be present during this pregnancy. It may be the only pregnancy I ever experience. Or maybe it won't. But I do know how fortunate I am to have this experience.
What have a I loved about being pregnant? Feeling Cub Scout's movements is pretty amazing. Sharing the experience with my mom and seeing her pleasure in it all - I think she was born to be a Grandmother! Knowing we are adding to our family because family means everything to me. I read a great quote the other day - "many things will change us but we begin and end with family." So true. Simply marvelling in the miracle of pregnancy - how amazing it is that I can actually grow a human being! Decorating the nursery has been a joy. Anticipating the love that I am going to feel for my son. Seeing his face on the 3D ultrasounds. Sharing my pregnancy journey with a close friend who was pregnant at the same time. Buying cute baby clothes. Those are some of the things I have loved.
What have I disliked about being pregnant? In the beginning the changes to my body were hard to accept. The back pain has been horrendous. I could do without the leg cramps. The fatigue has been challenging at times. Feeling nervous that everything is going to turn out ok. Worrying about being a good parent. Worrying about not knowing a thing about babies or how to care for them. Being fearful of the changes that are going to happen to our lives - namely giving up my freedom and being tied to a little person for a verrrry long time. Those are some of the things I have not enjoyed.
But despite the likes and dislikes, the overwhelming feeling at the end of the day is one of pure gratitude that I have been able to go on this journey. I know there are many, many women, some I know personally, some I know only through their blogs, who may never have this opportunity, and for some reason, I am one of the lucky ones. All I can be is grateful.
Oh Cub Scout, you don't know the love that awaits you!
Despite being a small-framed gal and having gained only 25 lbs this pregnancy, Cub Scout is apparently not a small baby. I have mixed emotions knowing that. Of course I am relieved and grateful that he isn't small and that I don't have to worry about not gaining enough weight - despite trying very hard (yes, I am one of those skinny bitches who doesn't look pregnant anywhere except my belly). But, hearing that your baby is not small is not comforting in the final weeks before birth when you know you're going to be pushing him out of you!
It's so hard to believe I'm at the end of this journey. And it's still sometimes hard to believe I'm even here. Why did I get so lucky? I've tried very hard to be present during this pregnancy. It may be the only pregnancy I ever experience. Or maybe it won't. But I do know how fortunate I am to have this experience.
What have a I loved about being pregnant? Feeling Cub Scout's movements is pretty amazing. Sharing the experience with my mom and seeing her pleasure in it all - I think she was born to be a Grandmother! Knowing we are adding to our family because family means everything to me. I read a great quote the other day - "many things will change us but we begin and end with family." So true. Simply marvelling in the miracle of pregnancy - how amazing it is that I can actually grow a human being! Decorating the nursery has been a joy. Anticipating the love that I am going to feel for my son. Seeing his face on the 3D ultrasounds. Sharing my pregnancy journey with a close friend who was pregnant at the same time. Buying cute baby clothes. Those are some of the things I have loved.
What have I disliked about being pregnant? In the beginning the changes to my body were hard to accept. The back pain has been horrendous. I could do without the leg cramps. The fatigue has been challenging at times. Feeling nervous that everything is going to turn out ok. Worrying about being a good parent. Worrying about not knowing a thing about babies or how to care for them. Being fearful of the changes that are going to happen to our lives - namely giving up my freedom and being tied to a little person for a verrrry long time. Those are some of the things I have not enjoyed.
But despite the likes and dislikes, the overwhelming feeling at the end of the day is one of pure gratitude that I have been able to go on this journey. I know there are many, many women, some I know personally, some I know only through their blogs, who may never have this opportunity, and for some reason, I am one of the lucky ones. All I can be is grateful.
Oh Cub Scout, you don't know the love that awaits you!
June 24, 2011
The Home Stretch
Gestation: 35 weeks 3 days
Weight: 122 lbs
This really is the final leg of this journey. Some days I still can't believe I'm here despite the huge belly that keeps bumping into things. I can't believe how close we are to meeting Cub Scout and having our lives changed forever.
I have officially stopped working now which has been wonderful. It's so nice to have this down time to relax and prepare for Cub Scout's arrival. I still have a lot to do to get ready for Cub Scout, but I can do it at a nice slow pace.
Some days I feel ready to welcome Cub Scout to our family and start this new chapter, other days I mourn the impending loss of our freedom and coupledom. It's been just Mr. Scout and I for so long - we're used to our routines as a couple and our freedom to do things spontaneously and come and go as we please. I fear that the adjustment to life with a baby is going to be hard on us because we've had so many years just to ourselves. But then in other ways I think maybe the adjustment will be easier on us for just that reason. We've had LOTS of couple time. Lots of time to build and grow our marriage. Time to purchase homes and tackle renovations. Time to travel. Time to be selfish and take part in lots of hobbies. Time to spend with friends at a moment's notice. Time for leisurely dinners at restaurants. Time for lazy mornings in bed reading the newspaper with a cup of coffee. Time to host parties and gatherings. We certainly haven't missed out on time together as a couple or life experiences.
I feel ready for labour and birth. I am not fearful of it. I know it will be hell. I know I can't even anticipate how difficult it really will be. But I know it will be temporary pain and I know it will have an amazing outcome. I am more fearful of what happens after Cub Scout arrives. I don't know anything about caring for a baby. It's the one thing in my entire life I've ever felt most unprepared for. That scares me. But I try not to fret about it too much. We have support of our families and friends. We will figure it out like all new parents do.
Right now, I am sitting in bed, a hypnobirthing CD playing in the background and one of my cats curled up beside me snoring away. Just me alone, calm and relaxed and being grateful for this time in these last few weeks.
Cub Scout is doing well. At my ultrasound this week he was measuring about 6 lbs! I'm on the small side so it's hard to believe there's a 6 lb baby in there! As if this pregnancy wasn't real enough already, the realization that there is a 6 LB BABY IN THERE made it even more real.
I'm feeling great though. Very relaxed. A little more fatigued these days and taking advantage of the ability to have some afternoon naps. My back pain is ever-present but nothing more I can do about it. I look forward to getting out of some of my maternity clothes and hopefully being able to fit into some of my pre-pregnancy summer dresses after Cub Scout is born and before this summer is over. I look forward to wearing my summer wedges and heels....so much. I can rock a pair of flats but there's nothing like a gorgeous pair of wedge sandals in summertime :)
The thing I look forward to most of all? Feeling the love I will feel for Cub Scout as a parent - that feeling that everyone tries to describe but says is not possible to describe - you just have to experience it. That feeling - I can't wait for!
Weight: 122 lbs
This really is the final leg of this journey. Some days I still can't believe I'm here despite the huge belly that keeps bumping into things. I can't believe how close we are to meeting Cub Scout and having our lives changed forever.
I have officially stopped working now which has been wonderful. It's so nice to have this down time to relax and prepare for Cub Scout's arrival. I still have a lot to do to get ready for Cub Scout, but I can do it at a nice slow pace.
Some days I feel ready to welcome Cub Scout to our family and start this new chapter, other days I mourn the impending loss of our freedom and coupledom. It's been just Mr. Scout and I for so long - we're used to our routines as a couple and our freedom to do things spontaneously and come and go as we please. I fear that the adjustment to life with a baby is going to be hard on us because we've had so many years just to ourselves. But then in other ways I think maybe the adjustment will be easier on us for just that reason. We've had LOTS of couple time. Lots of time to build and grow our marriage. Time to purchase homes and tackle renovations. Time to travel. Time to be selfish and take part in lots of hobbies. Time to spend with friends at a moment's notice. Time for leisurely dinners at restaurants. Time for lazy mornings in bed reading the newspaper with a cup of coffee. Time to host parties and gatherings. We certainly haven't missed out on time together as a couple or life experiences.
I feel ready for labour and birth. I am not fearful of it. I know it will be hell. I know I can't even anticipate how difficult it really will be. But I know it will be temporary pain and I know it will have an amazing outcome. I am more fearful of what happens after Cub Scout arrives. I don't know anything about caring for a baby. It's the one thing in my entire life I've ever felt most unprepared for. That scares me. But I try not to fret about it too much. We have support of our families and friends. We will figure it out like all new parents do.
Right now, I am sitting in bed, a hypnobirthing CD playing in the background and one of my cats curled up beside me snoring away. Just me alone, calm and relaxed and being grateful for this time in these last few weeks.
Cub Scout is doing well. At my ultrasound this week he was measuring about 6 lbs! I'm on the small side so it's hard to believe there's a 6 lb baby in there! As if this pregnancy wasn't real enough already, the realization that there is a 6 LB BABY IN THERE made it even more real.
I'm feeling great though. Very relaxed. A little more fatigued these days and taking advantage of the ability to have some afternoon naps. My back pain is ever-present but nothing more I can do about it. I look forward to getting out of some of my maternity clothes and hopefully being able to fit into some of my pre-pregnancy summer dresses after Cub Scout is born and before this summer is over. I look forward to wearing my summer wedges and heels....so much. I can rock a pair of flats but there's nothing like a gorgeous pair of wedge sandals in summertime :)
The thing I look forward to most of all? Feeling the love I will feel for Cub Scout as a parent - that feeling that everyone tries to describe but says is not possible to describe - you just have to experience it. That feeling - I can't wait for!
June 1, 2011
Week 32 - Everything I Want to Remember
How far along: 32 weeks 1 days
Total weight gain/loss: Up 22 lbs. (Current weight = 120 lbs)
Maternity clothes: Pleased to say I can still purchase some non-maternity tops and fit into them. I have to go one size up and they are mostly loose, flowy tops, but the fact that they are non-maternity gives me hope that I might be able to get some wear out of them after the baby is born
Stretch marks: None (Thank God)
Sleep: Sucks and is getting worse - between back pain, leg cramps ($%@#!!), sore hips and baby movement a good night's sleep never happens
Movement: Is now keeping me awake at night!
Cravings: Ice cream
Aversions: None
Gender: A little man
Symptoms: Back pain and more back pain, middle of the night leg cramps
What I miss: My mobility
What I look forward to: Just meeting Cub Scout
Moods: Some stress...caused by my back pain and feeling ready to quit work
Milestones: I'm in the home stretch
Medical Concerns: None
Weekly Wisdom: The baby is coming whether you're ready or not!
Worst moment this week: Not being offered a seat on the streetcar and having to stand almost the entire ride!
Best moment this week: My ultrasound and learning that Cub Scout's growth and position are as they should be
Best moment this week: My ultrasound and learning that Cub Scout's growth and position are as they should be
Holy F&ck!
I just looked at my countdown...55 days to go! How is that possible??!! I cannot have this baby in 55 days (give or take). I'M NOT READY!
This may be my first official pregnancy meltdown....
This may be my first official pregnancy meltdown....
May 17, 2011
30 weeks...
10 weeks to estimated arrival of Cub Scout!
Where has the time gone? How can I be 30 weeks already? How can there be only 10 weeks left until we're parents??
I'm soooo not ready.
I have so many things still to do - buy a crib, buy a mattress, buy a stroller, decorate a nursery, gather all the things I need for a homebirth, pack a hospital bag just in case, have a baby shower, get my house in order....I need more time!
Where has the time gone? How can I be 30 weeks already? How can there be only 10 weeks left until we're parents??
I'm soooo not ready.
I have so many things still to do - buy a crib, buy a mattress, buy a stroller, decorate a nursery, gather all the things I need for a homebirth, pack a hospital bag just in case, have a baby shower, get my house in order....I need more time!
May 9, 2011
A Year in the Life
I'm sure all pregnant women who have struggled with IF come to a point when they reflect back on where they were in the months preceeding pregnancy. Today that happened for me. Nothing in particular sparked my thoughts. I was simply on my way to work and got off at my usual bus stop. But in that moment I remembered that this time one year ago I would have not have gotten off at that stop, but kept going for a few more stops to go to the fertility clinic for cycle monitoring before heading into work.
Last year at this time I was having blood work and ultrasounds performed constantly. I was taking my basal body temperature every morning and charting it on a graph. I was working so dilligently to pinpoint ovulation so that we could try to conceive. My life was consumed with trying to get pregnant.
And now here I am, almost 29 weeks along, very visibly pregnant. This time last year I was filled with both hope and despair and I had no idea that IVF lay in my future. The struggle of those days is never far from my thoughts. What a difference a year can make.
Everyone tells me how much life is going to change with the arrival of Cub Scout and how hard it is going to be. I say, bring it on! I'm sure life will change, I'm sure being a parent will be the hardest thing I ever do, but I'm not scared of it - at least not today :P I consider it a miracle that I am pregnant. A miracle of science. I worked my ass off to get here and did things I never thought I would do. All I can do now is look forward to whatever challenges lie ahead when we become a family of three.
And a year from now....the future only knows!
Last year at this time I was having blood work and ultrasounds performed constantly. I was taking my basal body temperature every morning and charting it on a graph. I was working so dilligently to pinpoint ovulation so that we could try to conceive. My life was consumed with trying to get pregnant.
And now here I am, almost 29 weeks along, very visibly pregnant. This time last year I was filled with both hope and despair and I had no idea that IVF lay in my future. The struggle of those days is never far from my thoughts. What a difference a year can make.
Everyone tells me how much life is going to change with the arrival of Cub Scout and how hard it is going to be. I say, bring it on! I'm sure life will change, I'm sure being a parent will be the hardest thing I ever do, but I'm not scared of it - at least not today :P I consider it a miracle that I am pregnant. A miracle of science. I worked my ass off to get here and did things I never thought I would do. All I can do now is look forward to whatever challenges lie ahead when we become a family of three.
And a year from now....the future only knows!
May 5, 2011
Week 28 - Everything I Want to Remember
How far along: 28 weeks 2 days
Total weight gain/loss: Up 19 lbs. (Current weight = 117 lbs)
Maternity clothes: I wish I had more. I'm getting tired of wearing the same things over and over again but I can't justify purchasing more. I have a few maternity dresses with tags still on them that I'm waiting to wear...if it only the weather would warm up!
Stretch marks: None (Thank God)
Sleep: Still sucks
Movement: Movements are noticeably stronger these days. A couple of nights I've had to ask Cub Scout to "keep it down in there" so I could fall asleep. Cub Scout seems to have changed position finally and according to my midwife is now head down.
Cravings: Oh, how I would love a nice glass of red wine :(
Aversions: None
Gender: A little man
Symptoms: Back pain and more back pain
What I miss: My free time...while it's not gone yet, I know it's days are numbered
What I look forward to: Seeing what Cub Scout looks like!
Moods: Grateful for this experience
Milestones: I'm in my THIRD TRIMESTER! How did that happen so fast????
Medical Concerns: None
Weekly Wisdom: I'm not feeling very wise this week
Worst moment this week: Feeling my energy start to fade away. The second trimester burst of energy now seems so short-lived
Best moment this week: Learning that I passed my glucose screening test
Best moment this week: Learning that I passed my glucose screening test
April 29, 2011
Random Thoughts & Happenings
Gestation: 27 weeks 3 days
Weight: 116 lbs
My third trimester is just around the corner - I can't believe it! The time is going by so fast. In the beginning, days felt like weeks and weeks felt like months and I was always counting...waiting to get to to 8 weeks, 10 weeks, 12 weeks, 16 weeks. Now, the weeks are flying by and in the blink of an eye I'm going to be 30 weeks then 36 weeks then 40 weeks!!!
I went for my glucose screening test this week - I should get the results next week when I see my midwife - fingers crossed I passed. There's no reason to believe I won't pass, but you never know.
We started painting Cub Scout's room - finally. It's not finished, but I'm glad we've started.
My baby registry is done.
Cub Scout continues to remain in the exact same position as always. I find this very strange because I always thought babies moved around a lot. He kicks a lot and his kicks are definitely getting stronger and they are not as cute as they used to be, especially when I am trying to go to sleep :) Is it uncommon for a baby to not change position? Does he not have enough room in there? Or is he just a calm, peaceful baby who doesn't feel the need to do gymnastics?
Eating...ugh. I eat all the time. I'm never really hungry but I just eat one small thing after another. I am so tired of eating. My weight gain seems to be slowing down. For a while there it seemed like I was gaining about one pound per week but now it seems to be less. I really hope I can make it to my recommended weight gain or close to it.
Back pain persists. It is always the worst at work. Sitting at a computer most of the day is so uncomfortable. I am ready to finish work now!
I still can't believe I'm going to be a mommy. I don't know how to be a mommy. I have no idea how to care for an infant. I'm reading all the books, but still, I feel completely clueless.
Less than 13 weeks to go....holy crap!
Weight: 116 lbs
My third trimester is just around the corner - I can't believe it! The time is going by so fast. In the beginning, days felt like weeks and weeks felt like months and I was always counting...waiting to get to to 8 weeks, 10 weeks, 12 weeks, 16 weeks. Now, the weeks are flying by and in the blink of an eye I'm going to be 30 weeks then 36 weeks then 40 weeks!!!
I went for my glucose screening test this week - I should get the results next week when I see my midwife - fingers crossed I passed. There's no reason to believe I won't pass, but you never know.
We started painting Cub Scout's room - finally. It's not finished, but I'm glad we've started.
My baby registry is done.
Cub Scout continues to remain in the exact same position as always. I find this very strange because I always thought babies moved around a lot. He kicks a lot and his kicks are definitely getting stronger and they are not as cute as they used to be, especially when I am trying to go to sleep :) Is it uncommon for a baby to not change position? Does he not have enough room in there? Or is he just a calm, peaceful baby who doesn't feel the need to do gymnastics?
Eating...ugh. I eat all the time. I'm never really hungry but I just eat one small thing after another. I am so tired of eating. My weight gain seems to be slowing down. For a while there it seemed like I was gaining about one pound per week but now it seems to be less. I really hope I can make it to my recommended weight gain or close to it.
Back pain persists. It is always the worst at work. Sitting at a computer most of the day is so uncomfortable. I am ready to finish work now!
I still can't believe I'm going to be a mommy. I don't know how to be a mommy. I have no idea how to care for an infant. I'm reading all the books, but still, I feel completely clueless.
Less than 13 weeks to go....holy crap!
April 13, 2011
My Lovely Baby Bumps
Cub Scout is pretty darn comfortable incubating in my uterus. So comfortable that he never changes position. Oh, he kicks and punches - a LOT - but always in the exact same spots.
In addition to my overall baby bump, I have two very distinct bumps that are always in the same place which is how I know that Cub Scout never changes position. My midwife confirmed for me that the larger bump is in fact his little butt and legs and the smaller bump is his head.
Being slender with no excess body fat and my baby weight in my belly and my boobs I guess is what helps makes my lovely baby bumps so visible. I constantly sit with my hand resting on his bum - it fits so perfectly in my palm.
Cub Scout is being born in the Chinese year of the Rabbit. Here's what is said about children born in this year:
A child born in the Rabbit's year will have a sweet disposition. Even-tempered and obedient, he will be sensitive to the moods of his parents and act accordingly. He may or may not be talkative, but he won't be rowdy or offensive. He can sit quietly and concentrate on one toy or game at a time.
Usually he is a light sleeper and may fret a lot when he is sick. He will be easy to discipline and should have little trouble fitting in at school. He learns his lessons well and with ease. But although he has better than average manners, this does not mean he will not be argumentative in his own soft-spoken way. He can grasp both sides of a question quickly and debate his point with intelligence.
At times, it will be difficult to decipher his thoughts or deeds. Smooth at masking his feelings, the Rabbit will only say what he knows will please you and thus maneuver you to his way of thinking without your even noticing it.
He will be able to fend for himself and protect his possessions. Remarkably observant, he can calculate his chances for getting his way. Instead of directly resisting rules, the subtle Rabbit will carefully devise ways around them. In short, this polite little angel is going to bargain for a better deal every time.
He can take reproach with a defiant or philosophical sort of indifference. Shrugging off his setbacks, the Rabbit will patiently start again from square one. Helpful at home, conforming in school and well-tuned to his environment, this child will know his way around people and problems. Rest assured he will be well-liked and accepted in all circles.
So maybe his lack of rowdiness in my uterus is a sign that he is going to be a calm, reflective child? Or perhaps that is just wishful thinking and he'll come out raring to go after spending 40 weeks waiting peacefully to join us :) One of my biggest curiosities is what his personality is going to be - I can't wait to find out!
In addition to my overall baby bump, I have two very distinct bumps that are always in the same place which is how I know that Cub Scout never changes position. My midwife confirmed for me that the larger bump is in fact his little butt and legs and the smaller bump is his head.
Being slender with no excess body fat and my baby weight in my belly and my boobs I guess is what helps makes my lovely baby bumps so visible. I constantly sit with my hand resting on his bum - it fits so perfectly in my palm.
Cub Scout is being born in the Chinese year of the Rabbit. Here's what is said about children born in this year:
A child born in the Rabbit's year will have a sweet disposition. Even-tempered and obedient, he will be sensitive to the moods of his parents and act accordingly. He may or may not be talkative, but he won't be rowdy or offensive. He can sit quietly and concentrate on one toy or game at a time.
Usually he is a light sleeper and may fret a lot when he is sick. He will be easy to discipline and should have little trouble fitting in at school. He learns his lessons well and with ease. But although he has better than average manners, this does not mean he will not be argumentative in his own soft-spoken way. He can grasp both sides of a question quickly and debate his point with intelligence.
At times, it will be difficult to decipher his thoughts or deeds. Smooth at masking his feelings, the Rabbit will only say what he knows will please you and thus maneuver you to his way of thinking without your even noticing it.
He will be able to fend for himself and protect his possessions. Remarkably observant, he can calculate his chances for getting his way. Instead of directly resisting rules, the subtle Rabbit will carefully devise ways around them. In short, this polite little angel is going to bargain for a better deal every time.
He can take reproach with a defiant or philosophical sort of indifference. Shrugging off his setbacks, the Rabbit will patiently start again from square one. Helpful at home, conforming in school and well-tuned to his environment, this child will know his way around people and problems. Rest assured he will be well-liked and accepted in all circles.
So maybe his lack of rowdiness in my uterus is a sign that he is going to be a calm, reflective child? Or perhaps that is just wishful thinking and he'll come out raring to go after spending 40 weeks waiting peacefully to join us :) One of my biggest curiosities is what his personality is going to be - I can't wait to find out!
April 12, 2011
Week 25 - Everything You Want to Know and Everything I Want to Remember
How far along: 25 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Up 17 lbs. (Current weight = 115 lbs)
Maternity clothes: I love them - they are so comfortable. And finally found a pair of skinny maternity jeans! Boot cut jeans aren't my favourite, I've been missing my skinny jeans oh so much, so finding a pair of skinny mat jeans makes this fashionista very, very happy :)
Stretch marks: None (Thank God)
Sleep: Meh. Sadly, I'm now used to not getting a full night's sleep. I have created a pillow fort in the bed with all the pillows I now need around me to sleep semi-comfortably.
Movement: Every day. Last night for the first time we saw LOTS of movement on the outside. I've seen little jumps in my belly a couple of times but last night was a full-on dance party going on in there. Cub Scout was having a grand old time.
Cravings: Chocolate
Aversions: None - but eating is becoming more difficult. I can only eat small amounts now before feeling really full. I'm eating less, more often.
Gender: A little man
Symptoms: Back pain, constantly congested, my belly feels heavy
What I miss: Shiraz, Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot...
What I look forward to: Getting the nursery painted
Moods: Amazed at everything - amazed I'm pregnant, amazed at my body and more and more apreciative every day that I get to experience this.
Milestones: I'm in my 6th month!
Medical Concerns: None
Weekly Wisdom: Continue to appreciate being pregnant - enjoy this time - it goes by too fast!
Worst moment this week: None
Best moment this week: Being offered a seat on the streetcar :)
Best moment this week: Being offered a seat on the streetcar :)
April 5, 2011
Baby, I'm Amazed
Gestation: 24 weeks
Weight: 114 lbs
Today for the first time in weeks it struck me as amazing that I'm actually pregnant. I caught a glance at myself in the mirror and for some reason today it reminded me that I always had a feeling I would never be pregnant. I recall having that feeling since I was a teenager.
I've said before that I never longed to be a mom. I did not grow up dreaming about having kids. Obviously after being with Mr. Scout for several years things changed and I started to think about being a mom. But all my life I always had a little feeling in the back of my head/heart that I would never be pregnant. Whether by choice or because of infertility I didn't know. It was just something I felt.
It's very strange to see my body as a pregnant body. It doesn't look like my body or feel like my body. It's a very weird experience for me to be pregnant. Me? Pregnant? Who would have thought it would happen? Certainly not me.
I look forward to everything. I look forward to experiencing labour and childbirth. I look forward to feeling the indescribable love that people feel for their children. I look forward to being infatuated with Cub Scout. I look forward to hearing a little boy voice call me "Mommy." I look forward to seeing Mr. Scout hold Cub Scout in his arms - just the image of it in my head makes me teary-eyed. I look forward to seeing the love that Cub Scout's grandparents are going to lavish on him - he won't know what to do with all that love :)
It's amazing to me that this is my life right now. How did I get to be so fortunate?
Weight: 114 lbs
Today for the first time in weeks it struck me as amazing that I'm actually pregnant. I caught a glance at myself in the mirror and for some reason today it reminded me that I always had a feeling I would never be pregnant. I recall having that feeling since I was a teenager.
I've said before that I never longed to be a mom. I did not grow up dreaming about having kids. Obviously after being with Mr. Scout for several years things changed and I started to think about being a mom. But all my life I always had a little feeling in the back of my head/heart that I would never be pregnant. Whether by choice or because of infertility I didn't know. It was just something I felt.
It's very strange to see my body as a pregnant body. It doesn't look like my body or feel like my body. It's a very weird experience for me to be pregnant. Me? Pregnant? Who would have thought it would happen? Certainly not me.
I look forward to everything. I look forward to experiencing labour and childbirth. I look forward to feeling the indescribable love that people feel for their children. I look forward to being infatuated with Cub Scout. I look forward to hearing a little boy voice call me "Mommy." I look forward to seeing Mr. Scout hold Cub Scout in his arms - just the image of it in my head makes me teary-eyed. I look forward to seeing the love that Cub Scout's grandparents are going to lavish on him - he won't know what to do with all that love :)
It's amazing to me that this is my life right now. How did I get to be so fortunate?
March 30, 2011
Oh, How You Are Loved
Dear Cub Scout,
We haven't yet met you or held you in our arms, but oh, how you are loved.
Your daddy and I marvel at your growth and movements every day. Feeling you move is the greatest feeling in the world.
Your daddy gazes at my belly every day and loves to rub it and talk to you. He is smitten and you are going to be so fortunate to have him as your Dad.
I think of you every moment that I am awake and often sit and wonder about the type of person you will be. I can't wait to watch you learn to walk and talk. I can't wait to watch you learn new things. I can't wait to watch you form your own opinions. I can't wait to watch you make life choices. I can't wait to see the man you will become.
We haven't yet met you or held you in our arms, but oh, how you are loved.
Your daddy and I marvel at your growth and movements every day. Feeling you move is the greatest feeling in the world.
Your daddy gazes at my belly every day and loves to rub it and talk to you. He is smitten and you are going to be so fortunate to have him as your Dad.
I think of you every moment that I am awake and often sit and wonder about the type of person you will be. I can't wait to watch you learn to walk and talk. I can't wait to watch you learn new things. I can't wait to watch you form your own opinions. I can't wait to watch you make life choices. I can't wait to see the man you will become.
March 23, 2011
Week 22 - Everything You Wanted to Know and Everything I Want to Remember
How far along: 22 weeks 1 day
Total weight gain/loss: Up 12 lbs. (Current weight = 110 lbs)
Maternity clothes: Definitely wearing them now. Mostly jeans and a few tops. Fortunately I can still find loose non-maternity fashions to fit me, though it is getting harder.
Stretch marks: Still none (Thank God)
Sleep: Uncomfortable. Lots of back pain. Some hip pain. I seem to toss and turn a lot trying to get comfortable. Have started sleeping with a pillow tucked under by belly and boobs which helps a bit.
Movement: Lots of movement these days. Especially (like now) when I'm sitting quietly at my desk at work. Also movement at night when I go to bed and am lying there trying to fall asleep. Recently saw my stomach 'jump' from the outside - it was amazing!
Cravings: I'm craving just one night of uninterrupted sleep! Food cravings - none
Aversions: Maternity clothes - it's so hard to find decent looking ones that don't make me want to vomit. Food aversions - none
Gender: Boy (see She's a He post below). Mr Scout still thinks it's a girl (he didn't want to know) and all our family and friends think girl. Boy, are they going to be surprised :)
Symptoms: Mildly sore hip, constant back pain, constantly congested, huge boobs (ugh, I hate them!)
What I miss: My pre-pregnancy size zero body :(
What I look forward to: Meeting my new little man!
Moods: Excited. Happy. Positive.
Milestones: Anatomy ultrasound was perfectly normal!
Medical Concerns: None
Weekly Wisdom: Embrace being pregnant and try not to sweat the small stuff - it's goes by too fast
Worst moment this week: None. I really am so happy.
Best moment this week: Taking a day off and reading out loud to Cub Scout while lying in bed.
March 21, 2011
Little Things
Just want to document a few little things that I want to remember but don't necessarily require their own post.
Anatomy Scan
I had my ultrasound a couple of weeks ago and Cub Scout and his little organs are developing perfectly normally. Woo Hoo! It's such a relief to have a normally progressing pregnancy.
I had a 3D ultrasound and it was amazing. The images of Cub Scout were so clear and it made it really real that I've got a little one incubating in there. It was love at first sight.
Heartbeat
Mr. Scout came to my last midwife appointment with me and he got to hear Cub Scout's heartbeat for the first time. I'm so glad he finally heard it. It's an amazing thing to experience and I sometimes forget how different this pregnancy is for him than me. It's nice for him to have moments he can experience other than just watching my belly and boobs grow!
Leg Cramps
Holy pain! Thankfully I've only had one episode of leg cramping but it was a doozy. It was brief but it was painful. Here's hoping it was a one-time only occurrence!
Gifts
We have been so fortunate to have been gifted many baby items already. A dear friend gave me tons of clothes and baby gear. As did a neighbour. My mom bought Cub Scout his first "I Love Daddy" item. My mom also got us a high chair, playpen and car seat. My dad and his wife bought Cub Scout his first rattle. My mom's partner bought Cub Scout his bassinet. Another dear friend bought Cub Scout his first teething toy. And of course Mommy, being the fashion whore that I am, has been buying Cub Scout far too many cute clothes :) And the best gift of all - the baby book that Daddy gave Mommy on Christmas morning to record all of Cub Scouts firsts - I can't wait to start using it.
Kicks
Little Cub Scout is kicking up a storm and there's a definite pattern to his kicking. I feel the kicks most often during the day as I'm sitting quietly at my desk at work. I also feel kicks at night upon retiring to bed. Last week for the first time I saw my belly jump when he kicked. What a sight to behold! On days when I feel less movement all I can think about it how much I want to feel him kick :) Mr. Scout has felt the kicks a few times and he loves it too.
Prenatal Yoga
What a treat! My yoga instructor is a doula and a mom of two boys. The wealth of knowledge that she shares with us is priceless. I love being in class with the other pregnant mommas and seeing everyone's beautiful bellies. When doing our deep breathing exercises the instructor reminds us to "hug our babies into our bellies" and in those moments I feel like I'm sending my little one so much love.
Belly Rubs
Mr. Scout loves to rub my belly and talk to Cub Scout and it melts my heart every single time.
Back Pain
Not pleasant, but not much I can do about it. My thin body frame was not built to handle big boobs and a big belly :)
Anatomy Scan
I had my ultrasound a couple of weeks ago and Cub Scout and his little organs are developing perfectly normally. Woo Hoo! It's such a relief to have a normally progressing pregnancy.
I had a 3D ultrasound and it was amazing. The images of Cub Scout were so clear and it made it really real that I've got a little one incubating in there. It was love at first sight.
Heartbeat
Mr. Scout came to my last midwife appointment with me and he got to hear Cub Scout's heartbeat for the first time. I'm so glad he finally heard it. It's an amazing thing to experience and I sometimes forget how different this pregnancy is for him than me. It's nice for him to have moments he can experience other than just watching my belly and boobs grow!
Leg Cramps
Holy pain! Thankfully I've only had one episode of leg cramping but it was a doozy. It was brief but it was painful. Here's hoping it was a one-time only occurrence!
Gifts
We have been so fortunate to have been gifted many baby items already. A dear friend gave me tons of clothes and baby gear. As did a neighbour. My mom bought Cub Scout his first "I Love Daddy" item. My mom also got us a high chair, playpen and car seat. My dad and his wife bought Cub Scout his first rattle. My mom's partner bought Cub Scout his bassinet. Another dear friend bought Cub Scout his first teething toy. And of course Mommy, being the fashion whore that I am, has been buying Cub Scout far too many cute clothes :) And the best gift of all - the baby book that Daddy gave Mommy on Christmas morning to record all of Cub Scouts firsts - I can't wait to start using it.
Kicks
Little Cub Scout is kicking up a storm and there's a definite pattern to his kicking. I feel the kicks most often during the day as I'm sitting quietly at my desk at work. I also feel kicks at night upon retiring to bed. Last week for the first time I saw my belly jump when he kicked. What a sight to behold! On days when I feel less movement all I can think about it how much I want to feel him kick :) Mr. Scout has felt the kicks a few times and he loves it too.
Prenatal Yoga
What a treat! My yoga instructor is a doula and a mom of two boys. The wealth of knowledge that she shares with us is priceless. I love being in class with the other pregnant mommas and seeing everyone's beautiful bellies. When doing our deep breathing exercises the instructor reminds us to "hug our babies into our bellies" and in those moments I feel like I'm sending my little one so much love.
Belly Rubs
Mr. Scout loves to rub my belly and talk to Cub Scout and it melts my heart every single time.
Back Pain
Not pleasant, but not much I can do about it. My thin body frame was not built to handle big boobs and a big belly :)
Guilt and Gratitude
22 weeks tomorrow. Where has the time gone? Most days I'm still shocked that I'm actually pregnant. Growing up, I never longed to be a mother. When we started trying to conceive and we struggled I wondered if I'd ever be pregnant. Now I'm here, and it still surprises me.
I try very hard to be grateful every single moment of every single day for this pregnancy. And I am grateful, I truly am. But on days when I feel frustrated that my pregnant body no longer fits into clothes the way it used I feel vain...and guilty. On days when I still feel like I'm mourning the daughter that I longed for rather than being overjoyed for the son that I'm having I feel like the worst person on the face of the earth...and guilty. On days when I'm worried more about all the stuff we have to buy for the baby and getting the house in order I feel like I'm not taking enough time to relish in being pregnant...and I feel guilty.
I need to stop beating myself up over these feelings. I need to stop sweating the small stuff and embrace this pregnancy and remember to appreciate every single moment of it. This may very well be my only pregnancy ever. I don't want to look back on this time and feel like it went by too fast and I didn't enjoy it enough.
That's not to say I spend the majority of my time feeling ungrateful. Quite the opposite in fact. Every day I look in the mirror and marvel at my changing body. When I feel little Cub Scout kick it's the greatest feeling. Lately I'm becoming more and more in love with the idea that we're going to be parents and what that will entail. I'm excited by the thought that I will have the opportunity to be a nurturer and caregiver and role model to someone and that Mr. Scout and I will be a team in a way we haven't been before. The thought of raising littles with Mr. Scout and the type of father he will be fills my heart with so much love words cannot even express it.
So this is a reminder to myself to stop sweating the small stuff - it's just that, small stuff.
And to end this post, I love this quote as it describes how I feel most days:
"Everything grows rounder and wider and weirder, and I sit here in the middle of it all and wonder who in the world you will turn out to be." Carrie Fisher
I try very hard to be grateful every single moment of every single day for this pregnancy. And I am grateful, I truly am. But on days when I feel frustrated that my pregnant body no longer fits into clothes the way it used I feel vain...and guilty. On days when I still feel like I'm mourning the daughter that I longed for rather than being overjoyed for the son that I'm having I feel like the worst person on the face of the earth...and guilty. On days when I'm worried more about all the stuff we have to buy for the baby and getting the house in order I feel like I'm not taking enough time to relish in being pregnant...and I feel guilty.
I need to stop beating myself up over these feelings. I need to stop sweating the small stuff and embrace this pregnancy and remember to appreciate every single moment of it. This may very well be my only pregnancy ever. I don't want to look back on this time and feel like it went by too fast and I didn't enjoy it enough.
That's not to say I spend the majority of my time feeling ungrateful. Quite the opposite in fact. Every day I look in the mirror and marvel at my changing body. When I feel little Cub Scout kick it's the greatest feeling. Lately I'm becoming more and more in love with the idea that we're going to be parents and what that will entail. I'm excited by the thought that I will have the opportunity to be a nurturer and caregiver and role model to someone and that Mr. Scout and I will be a team in a way we haven't been before. The thought of raising littles with Mr. Scout and the type of father he will be fills my heart with so much love words cannot even express it.
So this is a reminder to myself to stop sweating the small stuff - it's just that, small stuff.
And to end this post, I love this quote as it describes how I feel most days:
"Everything grows rounder and wider and weirder, and I sit here in the middle of it all and wonder who in the world you will turn out to be." Carrie Fisher
March 4, 2011
She's a He
Gestation: 19 weeks & 3 days
Weight: 106 lbs
I found out this week that my little Cub Scout, who everyone thought was going to be a girl actually has a penis :) Yep, this little one is all boy.
I had mixed emotions. It was absolutely amazing to see the 3D images of his little face - and what an adorable little face it is - he's got the cutest little lips and mouth and I can't wait to shower his face with kisses.
It was a relief to finally know what gender I've been carrying around for the last 19 weeks and now I don't have to spend the rest of the pregnancy wondering. I hate surprises and could not imagine not knowing whether I was having a girl or a boy.
I am not sad I'm having a boy. But I do feel a bit of a loss for not having the girl that I dreamed of. Of course, I just want a healthy baby and I would love to have at least one of each gender. And as someone pointed out, I didn't go through infertility and IVF to have a girl, I did it to have a baby. But at the end of the day I have a special affinity for girls and women and I really wanted the opportunity to raise a fantastic, strong, confident, feminist daughter who would break down barriers. Yes, I know, that's projecting a lot onto a girl who would be her own person regardless of what I wanted her to be.
But, maybe having a boy will teach me things about boys and men that I need to learn. And how can I not be happy about having a mini version of Mr. Cub Scout joining our clan? I know some amazing men - Mr. Cub Scout of course. My father is one-of-a-kind amazing. My grandfather was one of the kindest souls I've ever know. I have some really good male friends. I adore my nephew. Boys aren't so bad :)
And who's to say I can't raise a fantastic, strong, confident, feminist SON!
I don't know if we'll ever have another biological child. But maybe we will. And maybe I will have a daughter. Or maybe I'd have another boy and the two of them would grow up to have an amazing brother bond. One thing I know is that no one knows what the future holds. I never in a million years thought I'd have to deal with infertility and undergo IVF! You just never know.
In the few days since I've learned that she's a he I've also learned that gender disappointment is not uncommon. It's normal to have hopes and dreams for your family and a certain vision of what that family looks like. While I may not have pictured having a son, I am pretty confident that once he arrives I won't be able to imagine him being anyone other than the amazing little man he's going to be.
One positive, at least I won't have to deal with all the princess-crap that is forced upon little girls. If I were having a girl I'd be thwarting all things princess-y and Barbie at every turn! I suppose this little guy could turn out to love all things princess/Barbie related...but if that were the case I don't think it would be as damaging to his self-image :)
Weight: 106 lbs
I found out this week that my little Cub Scout, who everyone thought was going to be a girl actually has a penis :) Yep, this little one is all boy.
I had mixed emotions. It was absolutely amazing to see the 3D images of his little face - and what an adorable little face it is - he's got the cutest little lips and mouth and I can't wait to shower his face with kisses.
It was a relief to finally know what gender I've been carrying around for the last 19 weeks and now I don't have to spend the rest of the pregnancy wondering. I hate surprises and could not imagine not knowing whether I was having a girl or a boy.
I am not sad I'm having a boy. But I do feel a bit of a loss for not having the girl that I dreamed of. Of course, I just want a healthy baby and I would love to have at least one of each gender. And as someone pointed out, I didn't go through infertility and IVF to have a girl, I did it to have a baby. But at the end of the day I have a special affinity for girls and women and I really wanted the opportunity to raise a fantastic, strong, confident, feminist daughter who would break down barriers. Yes, I know, that's projecting a lot onto a girl who would be her own person regardless of what I wanted her to be.
But, maybe having a boy will teach me things about boys and men that I need to learn. And how can I not be happy about having a mini version of Mr. Cub Scout joining our clan? I know some amazing men - Mr. Cub Scout of course. My father is one-of-a-kind amazing. My grandfather was one of the kindest souls I've ever know. I have some really good male friends. I adore my nephew. Boys aren't so bad :)
And who's to say I can't raise a fantastic, strong, confident, feminist SON!
I don't know if we'll ever have another biological child. But maybe we will. And maybe I will have a daughter. Or maybe I'd have another boy and the two of them would grow up to have an amazing brother bond. One thing I know is that no one knows what the future holds. I never in a million years thought I'd have to deal with infertility and undergo IVF! You just never know.
In the few days since I've learned that she's a he I've also learned that gender disappointment is not uncommon. It's normal to have hopes and dreams for your family and a certain vision of what that family looks like. While I may not have pictured having a son, I am pretty confident that once he arrives I won't be able to imagine him being anyone other than the amazing little man he's going to be.
One positive, at least I won't have to deal with all the princess-crap that is forced upon little girls. If I were having a girl I'd be thwarting all things princess-y and Barbie at every turn! I suppose this little guy could turn out to love all things princess/Barbie related...but if that were the case I don't think it would be as damaging to his self-image :)
February 22, 2011
Week 18 - Everything You Wanted to Know and Everything I Want to Remember
How far along: 18 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Up 7lbs. (Current weight = 105lbs)
Maternity clothes: I think I have to go shopping for some tomorrow! Everything is feeling tight and I can't button or zip any of my bottoms.
Stretch marks: None (Thank God)
Sleep: Getting better - first trimester exhaustion seems to be on its way out and I have a bit more energy these days so less sleep is required. Unfortunately still waking 2-3 times per night to pee.
Movement: YES!!!! THIS MORNING!!! FOR THE FIRST TIME!!! It was amazing :)
Cravings: None
Aversions: None
Gender: Still unknown but my heart says girl and I have one week to go until my ultrasound to fine out for sure!
Symptoms: Easily fatigued, sore hip, mild back pain, constantly congested
What I miss: My pre-pregnancy body :(
What I look forward to: Ultrasound on March 1st to find out the sex!
Moods: Excited - feeling the baby, starting to buy baby things, thinking about decorating the nursery
Milestones: Passed my genetic screening tests - screen negative/low risk!
Medical Concerns: Small amount of protein in last urine sample
Weekly Wisdom: Try not stress out about how much weight you are supposed to gain!
Worst moment this week: Having to tug a little harder to pull my skirt up over my hips
Best moment this week: Feeling Cub Scout move!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Housekeeping
A housekeeping note - I changed the title of the blog - not that this notice matters since I don't really have any followers :) Why the change? The original title "We're not barren...we're reproductively challenged" was a quote from Charlotte in an episode of Sex and the City. I liked the quote, even though I never loved the word barren. Also, now that I'm pregnant, I didn't want someone who is struggling with IF to stumble upon the blog only to find out it's not being written by someone who is currently sharing in their struggle. Infertility will always be part of my story, part of who I am, but I know from experience it can be difficult to read about others' pregnancy success when you are struggling and I didn't want anyone to be misled by the title.
I chose the title "Pregnant by Numbers" because everything surrounding trying to conceive and actually being pregnant seems to be about numbers!
When trying to conceive:
I chose the title "Pregnant by Numbers" because everything surrounding trying to conceive and actually being pregnant seems to be about numbers!
When trying to conceive:
- cycle day number
- number of days past ovulation
- the two week wait
- number of IU's or mg's for medications
- number of follicles
- number of eggs produced
- sperm numbers
- your AGE
- progesterone number
- number of years/months trying to conceive
- number of procedures - eg. IUI #1, IVF #2
- number of eggs retrieved
- number of embryos transferred
- etc. etc. etc.
- beta numbers
- number of weeks + days pregnant
- number of days until due date
- baby's heart rate
- your blood pressure
- your WEIGHT
- genetic screening numbers - e.g. 1:1,160 risk of...
- etc. etc. etc.
February 11, 2011
Sick & Tired of Eating
Yep, I am perhaps the only pregnant woman to ever say she is sick and tired of eating. I feel like I eat all the time and I'm tired of it. I'm not even gaining weight! I've gained 7lbs total this pregnancy - 28lbs to go - as per my midwife's instruction to gain 35lbs! How the hell am I going to do that??!!
I've never been a big eater. I've never had an eating disorder, just never had a love relationship with food. For me food has always been something I eat when I'm hungry, and only when I'm hungry. And I've never loved junk food or had much of a sweet tooth. Don't get me wrong, I can enjoy good meals. There's nothing I like more than sitting down to a huge plate of Indian food (my favourite). But eating just for eating's sake...not my thing.
With my new eating habits I feel full all the time and I don't enjoy it. I'm even eating things I wouldn't normally eat just to try and pack on some pounds. Ice cream, chocolate cake, cupcakes, grilled cheese sandwiches on - ack! - white bread and sweet potato fries. My poor body probably doesn't know what to do with all this unfamiliar food.
Instead of a soup/salad combo for lunch I had cheese tortellini and garlic bread the other day. That's a huge meal for me to eat midday. I now eat breakfast at home and then come to the office and eat more breakfast. I don't know where all these extra calories are going. It's not like I'm burning them off exercising - because I don't have the energy to do any of the activities I used to do. I used to go for long walks at lunch time. I used to take the stairs, now I take escalators. I used to clean my house like a mad woman, now I'm embarrased at the dust bunnies under my furniture.
Hmmm...perhaps these extra food calories are simply replacing the calories I used to consume in drinking wine ;)
I've never been a big eater. I've never had an eating disorder, just never had a love relationship with food. For me food has always been something I eat when I'm hungry, and only when I'm hungry. And I've never loved junk food or had much of a sweet tooth. Don't get me wrong, I can enjoy good meals. There's nothing I like more than sitting down to a huge plate of Indian food (my favourite). But eating just for eating's sake...not my thing.
With my new eating habits I feel full all the time and I don't enjoy it. I'm even eating things I wouldn't normally eat just to try and pack on some pounds. Ice cream, chocolate cake, cupcakes, grilled cheese sandwiches on - ack! - white bread and sweet potato fries. My poor body probably doesn't know what to do with all this unfamiliar food.
Instead of a soup/salad combo for lunch I had cheese tortellini and garlic bread the other day. That's a huge meal for me to eat midday. I now eat breakfast at home and then come to the office and eat more breakfast. I don't know where all these extra calories are going. It's not like I'm burning them off exercising - because I don't have the energy to do any of the activities I used to do. I used to go for long walks at lunch time. I used to take the stairs, now I take escalators. I used to clean my house like a mad woman, now I'm embarrased at the dust bunnies under my furniture.
Hmmm...perhaps these extra food calories are simply replacing the calories I used to consume in drinking wine ;)
January 28, 2011
Week 14 - Everything You Wanted to Know
I just saw this survey on another blogger's page and I thought it was a great idea! So here's my survey:
How far along: 14 weeks and 3 days
Total weight gain/loss: Up 4 lbs. (Current weight = 102lbs)
Maternity clothes: Not wearing any yet, except my Bella Band when I wear my skinny jeans. I did buy one maternity spring/summer dress this week and a couple of tops.
Stretch marks: None (Thank God)
Sleep: Lots but it never feels like enough!
Movement: None that I'm aware of
Cravings: Nothing specific this week, though I did have a craving for a piece of cake one night
Aversions: None
Gender: Unknown at this time but I think girl :)
Symptoms: Tired, exhausted, drained, sleepy
What I miss: My energy!
What I look forward to: Next midwife appointment Feb 15.
Moods: Frustrated - so much to do and so little enery to get it done
Milestones: Every new week is a milestone
Medical Concerns: Waiting for results of genetic screening blood tests
Weekly Wisdom: Try not stress out about how much weight you are supposed to gain!
Worst moment this week: Realizing I can't hide my bump easily any more and I should come out of the pregnancy closet at work soon
Best moment this week: Mr. Scout telling me my bump "looks cute"
January 25, 2011
A Giant Step Forward
Gestation: 14 weeks
Weight: 101.6 lbs
Symptoms: extreme fatigue, stuffy nose, hip pain
Mr. Scout is the worrier in our household. Especially with this pregnancy. He has been worrying about it from the beginning. I worry too, but not all the time. I have moments when I feel confident and comfortable and there is no doubt in my mind. Mr. Scout has fewer of those moments. I have had to tell him on a couple of occassions that his worrying is not helping me. That he is creating bad karma in our house. That I need him to think positive thoughts and send positive thoughts toward our little Cub Scout. That I need him to try to think that everything will be ok, rather than think something will go wrong.
He's getting better at it as time goes on. And yesterday he made a giant step forward. He came out to his colleagues at work and told them we are expecting. This is huge for him. The first hurdle was telling family, which he did probably before he was ready. Then he told friends shortly after. But I never thought he would tell colleagues this early. I'm so glad he has reached this level of comfort. It's a joy to see the excitement start to creep in and his fear start to fade. It helps to make this pregnancy more enjoyable for me.
I think seeing Cub Scout on the ultrasound screen last week was probably the first time that this pregnancy felt really real to Mr. Scout. While I haven't enjoyed the physical changes of being pregnant, I forget that for Mr. Scout it's a completely different experience. While I can't feel Cub Scout moving around, I know that s/he is in there and the changes to my body certainly remind me every day that I'm pregnant! It's much less tangible for Mr. Scout and I've only just realized how truly fortunate I am to be able to have the experience of being pregnant.
Weight: 101.6 lbs
Symptoms: extreme fatigue, stuffy nose, hip pain
Mr. Scout is the worrier in our household. Especially with this pregnancy. He has been worrying about it from the beginning. I worry too, but not all the time. I have moments when I feel confident and comfortable and there is no doubt in my mind. Mr. Scout has fewer of those moments. I have had to tell him on a couple of occassions that his worrying is not helping me. That he is creating bad karma in our house. That I need him to think positive thoughts and send positive thoughts toward our little Cub Scout. That I need him to try to think that everything will be ok, rather than think something will go wrong.
He's getting better at it as time goes on. And yesterday he made a giant step forward. He came out to his colleagues at work and told them we are expecting. This is huge for him. The first hurdle was telling family, which he did probably before he was ready. Then he told friends shortly after. But I never thought he would tell colleagues this early. I'm so glad he has reached this level of comfort. It's a joy to see the excitement start to creep in and his fear start to fade. It helps to make this pregnancy more enjoyable for me.
I think seeing Cub Scout on the ultrasound screen last week was probably the first time that this pregnancy felt really real to Mr. Scout. While I haven't enjoyed the physical changes of being pregnant, I forget that for Mr. Scout it's a completely different experience. While I can't feel Cub Scout moving around, I know that s/he is in there and the changes to my body certainly remind me every day that I'm pregnant! It's much less tangible for Mr. Scout and I've only just realized how truly fortunate I am to be able to have the experience of being pregnant.
January 21, 2011
Well hello baby!
Gestation: 13 weeks 3 days
Weight: 99.5 lbs
Symptoms: extreme fatigue, bloating, stuffy nose, hip pain, near fainting spell
At my 7 week ultrasound I saw the beginings of Cub Scout though s/he didn't look like much of anything. The most exciting thing at that ultrasound was the blinking dot which was the heartbeat.
This week, at exactly 13 weeks I had my first 'real' ultrasound and whaddya know...there was a baby there on the screen! Our little Cub Scout, reclining so peacefully giving us the perfect profile shot. Cute little nose, arms and legs. I've seen other people's ultrasound photos so I knew what to expect to see on the screen, but words can't describe seeing an actual little baby in your own uterus! There's a BABY inside me. A real baby! A seemingly fine little baby with a strong heart beating away. Seeing Cub Scout and hearing her/his heartbeat - talk about making it real! Every so often (like now) I'll look down at my stomach and it shocks me to realize there's a baby in there. It's weird and wonderful all at the same time.
Today I experienced a new pregnancy symptom. Fainting. While I didn't faint, I sure felt like I was about to. I got on the streetcar to come to work and it was crowded so I didn't get a seat. I stood for 3/4 of the ride and then started feeling overheated, then lightheaded, then I knew I had to get off the streetcar immediately. At the next stop I pushed my way through people without even being polite about it, ripped my jacket open, tore off my scarf and gloves and went and sat in the bus shelter with my head between my knees until the feeling passed. Not fun.
In other randomness...
They are doing renovations in my workplace. The washrooms on the floor where I work are no longer in use. I have to walk either upstairs or downstairs to use a washroom. I'm pregnant. I have to pee all the time. Not having a washroom down the hall got real annoying real quick.
Weight: 99.5 lbs
Symptoms: extreme fatigue, bloating, stuffy nose, hip pain, near fainting spell
At my 7 week ultrasound I saw the beginings of Cub Scout though s/he didn't look like much of anything. The most exciting thing at that ultrasound was the blinking dot which was the heartbeat.
This week, at exactly 13 weeks I had my first 'real' ultrasound and whaddya know...there was a baby there on the screen! Our little Cub Scout, reclining so peacefully giving us the perfect profile shot. Cute little nose, arms and legs. I've seen other people's ultrasound photos so I knew what to expect to see on the screen, but words can't describe seeing an actual little baby in your own uterus! There's a BABY inside me. A real baby! A seemingly fine little baby with a strong heart beating away. Seeing Cub Scout and hearing her/his heartbeat - talk about making it real! Every so often (like now) I'll look down at my stomach and it shocks me to realize there's a baby in there. It's weird and wonderful all at the same time.
Today I experienced a new pregnancy symptom. Fainting. While I didn't faint, I sure felt like I was about to. I got on the streetcar to come to work and it was crowded so I didn't get a seat. I stood for 3/4 of the ride and then started feeling overheated, then lightheaded, then I knew I had to get off the streetcar immediately. At the next stop I pushed my way through people without even being polite about it, ripped my jacket open, tore off my scarf and gloves and went and sat in the bus shelter with my head between my knees until the feeling passed. Not fun.
In other randomness...
They are doing renovations in my workplace. The washrooms on the floor where I work are no longer in use. I have to walk either upstairs or downstairs to use a washroom. I'm pregnant. I have to pee all the time. Not having a washroom down the hall got real annoying real quick.
January 20, 2011
Lazy Blogger
Been a while since I've written here. Not for lack of things to say, but mostly due to extreme exhaustion. But I do want to make an effort to document this pregnancy as much as possible.
Gestation: 13 weeks 2 days
Weight: 99.5 lbs
Symptoms: extreme fatigue, bloating, stuffy nose, hip pain
On Announcing Our Pregnancy
Our families were overjoyed. And shocked. We never talked about our desire to have children or our journey to conceive. Many assumed we didn't want children. After giving them a few days to enjoy our news and for it to sink in, we shared the deatils of our journey with them. I didn't want to make them feel bad for us, but I did want them to understand how grateful we are for this pregnancy and also to understand why we may not be as excited as they expect us to be.
Most of our friends now know as well. There is a handful of people I haven't told yet simply because I haven't talked to them or seen them in months. I don't feel an urgency to tell them. Eventually I'll get around to it. Friends are all very happy for us.
Work colleagues do not yet know, other than my boss. Though my clothes are starting to fit a lot more snug and I definitely look like I've gained weight, even if I don't have a full blown bump yet.
On Feeling Happy and Scared
Most days we are happy and thrilled beyond belief. But just because you get pregnant doesn't mean your infertility fears disappear. We worry about this pregnancy progressing as it should because we know all too well that things can change in an instant. While others are talking about "when" the baby arrives, I sometimes feel scared to think that way. I can't bring myself to think of baby names or make baby item purchases yet. It's too soon.
On Symptoms
Of course the first question everyone asks is "do you have morning sickness?" I am happy to say that I have not had one moment of nausea. Not a single one - knock on wood! I know not everyone experiences it, but when you have lived with infertility part of you wants to experience every single pregnancy symptom because it helps to reassure you that you are in fact pregnant.
The fatigue is still present. I feel like I have run a marathon and climbed a mountain every single day. It doesn't matter how much sleep I get, I still feel exhausted. Speaking of sleep, I've always been a light sleeper, and now I'm up at least 3 times a night to pee. Really? Is that necessary already? I can understand if you've got a big baby resting on your bladder, but this early in the pregnancy it just doesn't seem fair.
I've had a stuffy nose since day one of this pregnancy, technical term I've learned is Rhinitis. I'm keeping Kleenex makers in business.
For the last week I've had a dull ache in my right hip. Likely due to ligaments starting to stretch and my pelvis starting to change to make room for the baby.
Cravings - I've had a few. In the beginning I wanted potatoes - all kinds. Potato wedges, french fries, mashed potatoes, potato chips. That craving is still present, but not as much as it was. Then it was fruit - but not stuff like apples or bananas. I wanted tropical fruit - pineapple, mango, berries! And lately I've been craving food that I would never normally eat - nachos with cheese and salsa, chocolate, ice cream, kraft dinner(!) of all things! When I go grocery shopping I see things in the aisles and immediately think "mmmm, wouldn't that be good!" Very strange feeling for me to have cravings. I've never had a love relationship with food. As a child I was a very picky eater. I gave up meat when I was 15 years old because I hated it.
Lots more updates to write about and I'm going to make an effort to document as much as I can from now on. I know I'm pregnant, I think about it every waking moment. And I'm so very, very grateful that I'm pregnant. But some days I feel like I'm not doing enought to cherish this time. To really relish in it and be present in it and remember it. This may very well be my only pregnancy, I need to be more present. If only I could stay awake long enough .....
Gestation: 13 weeks 2 days
Weight: 99.5 lbs
Symptoms: extreme fatigue, bloating, stuffy nose, hip pain
On Announcing Our Pregnancy
Our families were overjoyed. And shocked. We never talked about our desire to have children or our journey to conceive. Many assumed we didn't want children. After giving them a few days to enjoy our news and for it to sink in, we shared the deatils of our journey with them. I didn't want to make them feel bad for us, but I did want them to understand how grateful we are for this pregnancy and also to understand why we may not be as excited as they expect us to be.
Most of our friends now know as well. There is a handful of people I haven't told yet simply because I haven't talked to them or seen them in months. I don't feel an urgency to tell them. Eventually I'll get around to it. Friends are all very happy for us.
Work colleagues do not yet know, other than my boss. Though my clothes are starting to fit a lot more snug and I definitely look like I've gained weight, even if I don't have a full blown bump yet.
On Feeling Happy and Scared
Most days we are happy and thrilled beyond belief. But just because you get pregnant doesn't mean your infertility fears disappear. We worry about this pregnancy progressing as it should because we know all too well that things can change in an instant. While others are talking about "when" the baby arrives, I sometimes feel scared to think that way. I can't bring myself to think of baby names or make baby item purchases yet. It's too soon.
On Symptoms
Of course the first question everyone asks is "do you have morning sickness?" I am happy to say that I have not had one moment of nausea. Not a single one - knock on wood! I know not everyone experiences it, but when you have lived with infertility part of you wants to experience every single pregnancy symptom because it helps to reassure you that you are in fact pregnant.
The fatigue is still present. I feel like I have run a marathon and climbed a mountain every single day. It doesn't matter how much sleep I get, I still feel exhausted. Speaking of sleep, I've always been a light sleeper, and now I'm up at least 3 times a night to pee. Really? Is that necessary already? I can understand if you've got a big baby resting on your bladder, but this early in the pregnancy it just doesn't seem fair.
I've had a stuffy nose since day one of this pregnancy, technical term I've learned is Rhinitis. I'm keeping Kleenex makers in business.
For the last week I've had a dull ache in my right hip. Likely due to ligaments starting to stretch and my pelvis starting to change to make room for the baby.
Cravings - I've had a few. In the beginning I wanted potatoes - all kinds. Potato wedges, french fries, mashed potatoes, potato chips. That craving is still present, but not as much as it was. Then it was fruit - but not stuff like apples or bananas. I wanted tropical fruit - pineapple, mango, berries! And lately I've been craving food that I would never normally eat - nachos with cheese and salsa, chocolate, ice cream, kraft dinner(!) of all things! When I go grocery shopping I see things in the aisles and immediately think "mmmm, wouldn't that be good!" Very strange feeling for me to have cravings. I've never had a love relationship with food. As a child I was a very picky eater. I gave up meat when I was 15 years old because I hated it.
Lots more updates to write about and I'm going to make an effort to document as much as I can from now on. I know I'm pregnant, I think about it every waking moment. And I'm so very, very grateful that I'm pregnant. But some days I feel like I'm not doing enought to cherish this time. To really relish in it and be present in it and remember it. This may very well be my only pregnancy, I need to be more present. If only I could stay awake long enough .....
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