Guilt and Gratitude

22 weeks tomorrow.  Where has the time gone?  Most days I'm still shocked that I'm actually pregnant.  Growing up, I never longed to be a mother.  When we started trying to conceive and we struggled I wondered if I'd ever be pregnant.  Now I'm here, and it still surprises me.

I try very hard to be grateful every single moment of every single day for this pregnancy.  And I am grateful, I truly am.  But on days when I feel frustrated that my pregnant body no longer fits into clothes the way it used I feel vain...and guilty.  On days when I still feel like I'm mourning the daughter that I longed for rather than being overjoyed for the son that I'm having I feel like the worst person on the face of the earth...and guilty.  On days when I'm worried more about all the stuff we have to buy for the baby and getting the house in order I feel like I'm not taking enough time to relish in being pregnant...and I feel guilty.

I need to stop beating myself up over these feelings.  I need to stop sweating the small stuff and embrace this pregnancy and remember to appreciate every single moment of it.  This may very well be my only pregnancy ever.  I don't want to look back on this time and feel like it went by too fast and I didn't enjoy it enough.

That's not to say I spend the majority of my time feeling ungrateful.  Quite the opposite in fact.  Every day I look in the mirror and marvel at my changing body.  When I feel little Cub Scout kick it's the greatest feeling.  Lately I'm becoming more and more in love with the idea that we're going to be parents and what that will entail.  I'm excited by the thought that I will have the opportunity to be a nurturer and caregiver and role model to someone and that Mr. Scout and I will be a team in a way we haven't been before.  The thought of raising littles with Mr. Scout and the type of father he will be fills my heart with so much love words cannot even express it. 

So this is a reminder to myself to stop sweating the small stuff - it's just that, small stuff.  

And to end this post, I love this quote as it describes how I feel most days:

"Everything grows rounder and wider and weirder, and I sit here in the middle of it all and wonder who in the world you will turn out to be."  Carrie Fisher