It hasn't sunk in yet that I'm pregnant. Exhaustion, bloating and sore boobs aside, am I really pregnant? It's a very foreign place to be right now. I never expected to deal with infertility and then once I was forced to deal with that horrible reality part of me never expected to actually be pregnant one day. Sure I hoped and tried really hard to get here, but there was a small part of me that wondered if perhaps it wasn't in the cards for me.
Not drinking is not helping it to sink in. This weekend I declined a glass of wine - which is unheard of for me - and blamed it on this cold that I'm just getting over. I got invited out for drinks with girlfriends next weekend which I declined because how the hell am I supposed to go to out for drinks and not have a glass (or two or three) of wine without raising suspicion? There's no excuse good enough that my friends will believe. And I am not ready to tell them.
I am frantically trying to find a midwife - even though I live in a big city with several midwifery practices there is such high demand for midwives that finding a midwife is almost next to impossible. I ordered some birthing books. Yet it still hasn't sunk in.
When will I believe that's it real? When I see a little speck or blob on an ultrasound that is supposed to be a baby? When I hear a heartbeat? When I puke? When I no longer fit into my clothes? When I finally tell my family? When I start decorating the empty room in our house that I would never let Mr. Scout turn into a guest room because it was always intended to be a nursery?
When did you believe?
I am just a few days ahead of you, and even though I am puking and can't keep my eyes open I am still peeing on sticks any chance I get.
ReplyDeleteI still don't' know when it will kick in.