Freak Out Over

After yesterday's freak out session about the cramping I was experiencing I am happy to say that today things are back to normal.

I overreacted yesterday, no doubt.  But for those of us who have had a previous loss it's understandable.  It changes you.  With my first pregnancy I knew miscarriage was a possibility, but I had no idea what the pain and grief would feel like if it were to occur.  Now that I have experienced that pain, and know how devastating it is, the thought of having to deal with it again is terrifying.  Hence, yesterday's panic.

It feels great to be back in a (somewhat) calm place.

I'm so grateful to be carrying my little Cub Scout but it doesn't change the fact that I wish there were some things I could change.

I wish I could feel confident that I will reach a point in this pregnancy where I feel comfortable, but I don't think that is going to happen.

I wish I could have conceived in the privacy of my home with Mr. Scout.  Instead, our little Cub Scout was conceived in a lab, with technicians/nurses/doctors and Mr. Scout and I were not present.

I wish that when we share the news of our pregnancy with our family they will understand what a miracle it is - right now, they have no idea of our journey.

Regardless of the things I feel I may be missing out on I feel so fortunate to be pregnant and I won't take it for granted for even one second.

Mind Games

I woke at 5 a.m. this morning with menstrual-like cramps.  Just prior to waking I was dreaming that I was having another miscarriage.  I lay in bed for about an hour analyzing the cramping but too terrified to get up and see if there was any bleeding.

I'd been in this exact position before.  Exactly one year + one week ago TODAY was when I woke up with cramps and started bleeding shortly thereafter.  That day I went to the ER and after blood work and ultrasound was told I was miscarrying and sent home.

My only thoughts are this can't be happening again.  How can I deal with this again?  Was it psychosomatic?  Did I wake up feeling cramps because I was dreaming about miscarrying?  Or was I actually experiencing cramps and my subconscious mind led me to the dream of miscarrying?  Fucking Mind Games. 

At 6 a.m. I got up the courage to get out of bed.  Mr. Scout was still sleeping so I didn't wake him.  I went to the washroom, and thankfully, no bleeding.  But with my first loss the bleeding didn't start right away, it started a couple of hours after the cramping began.  I went and sat on the couch and naturally checked Dr. Google to see what she had to say about cramps in early pregnancy.  It is not uncommon to experience cramps this early on and as long as it is not accompanied by bleeding it seems there is no immediate cause for concern.  This helped me feel a little better, but not much.  Early cramping can be a sign of the uterus stretching.

The cramping persists, but it is milder than my usual menstrual cramps and milder than the cramping I had with my loss last year.  And it seems to come and go.  I got ready for work and still no bleeding.  I now sit at my desk unable to focus on ANYTHING.  Still no bleeding and only minor cramping.

I've been feeling so positive.  Despite the loss last year, and even though the possibility of losing this pregnancy is always in the back of my mind, I haven't let it dominate.  I want to enjoy this pregnancy and I have been.  Until this morning.  Now I'm terrified.  And mad.  Mad at the universe, mad at my body, mad at the fertility gods, mad at whatever...why can't you let me enjoy this?  Fucking fertility rollercoaster.

Please little Cub Scout hang on.

"Oh Yes, Pregnant!"

I love my Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM)/acupuncture doctor.  I call her Dr. Zen because every acupuncture treatment puts me in what I describe as a zen-like state.

I did weekly treatments for about 8 months.  Just before starting IVF I took a break from all things fertility-related including acupuncture...and I missed it terribly.  However I made sure I had pre- and post-IVF transfer acupuncture treatments because studies show it can greatly improve outcomes.

Yesterday I went for my first treatment since learning I was pregnant.  As soon as Dr. Zen felt my pulse she exclaimed "Oh yes, pregnant!"  It was a nice feeling to know I had that pregnancy pulse that she checked for so many times during our 8 months of treatments.  I used to tell her when I didn't think I was pregnant and she would check my pulse and say "no, I don't think this is your month." 

During treatments I often drift into a semi-conscious state.  It's not uncommon for me to feel high walking out of her office, like I've just smoked some really good pot.  Yesterday, the combination of the dim lights, relaxation music, lavender scented eye mask and the cozy blanket she placed on top of me made me drift into one of those deep zen-like states.  My body felt like it melted into a puddle.  It was pure bliss.  I hope my little Cub Scout enjoyed it as much as I did :)

When Do You Believe?

It hasn't sunk in yet that I'm pregnant.  Exhaustion, bloating and sore boobs aside, am I really pregnant?  It's a very foreign place to be right now.  I never expected to deal with infertility and then once I was forced to deal with that horrible reality part of me never expected to actually be pregnant one day.  Sure I hoped and tried really hard to get here, but there was a small part of me that wondered if perhaps it wasn't in the cards for me. 

Not drinking is not helping it to sink in.  This weekend I declined a glass of wine - which is unheard of for me - and blamed it on this cold that I'm just getting over.  I got invited out for drinks with girlfriends next weekend which I declined because how the hell am I supposed to go to out for drinks and not have a glass (or two or three) of wine without raising suspicion?  There's no excuse good enough that my friends will believe.  And I am not ready to tell them. 

I am frantically trying to find a midwife - even though I live in a big city with several midwifery practices there is such high demand for midwives that finding a midwife is almost next to impossible.  I ordered some birthing books.  Yet it still hasn't sunk in.

When will I believe that's it real?  When I see a little speck or blob on an ultrasound that is supposed to be a baby?  When I hear a heartbeat?  When I puke?  When I no longer fit into my clothes?  When I finally tell my family?  When I start decorating the empty room in our house that I would never let Mr. Scout turn into a guest room because it was always intended to be a nursery?

When did you believe?

One Nine Four

Beta #2 = 194.

That's more than double the first beta.

One milestone crossed.  A million more to go.  But I can exhale just a little bit this afternoon.

One Nine Four.  I like that number.  Usually I hate numbers.  I'm not a numbers person.  Mr. Scout is a numbers guy.  I call him the Minister of Finance.  I can't wait to share this number with him.

Wanted: Positivity

I went for my second beta this morning.  This, to me is just as important if not moreso than the first beta which confirmed the pregnancy.  This beta number needs to be at least double what the first one was.  If it hasn't doubled then there's cause for concern.

I am on pins and needles waiting for the clinic to call me with the number.  Because they haven't called yet I am trying really hard to not jump to conclusions and assume it is bad news.  Sometimes they call within 2 hours of my blood draw, sometimes 5 hours later.  But today this number is so critical that I'm on the verge of having a meltdown.

Please, oh please, let it be a good number.

Found: BFP!

I got the news yesterday from Dr. House's clinic that I am in fact pregnant.  I was not surprised by this news.  I went back and forth between thinking I absolutely was not pregnant to thinking that maybe I could be.

The nurse who called to give me the news said she expected more of a reaction from me.  I told her I had been here before with a not-so-good outcome so right now I was being cautiously optimistic.  Late last night I realized that the best part of her job is probably when she calls patients to give them news of a positive pregnancy test and my reaction might have ruined that a little bit for her.  I feel bad.  The nurses at the clinic are so wonderful and I'm sure they have to deliver bad news more often than good.  If I see her next time I'm at the clinic I will make sure to tell her how much the pregnancy means to me.

So, mixed emotions for me right now.  Cautiously optimistic is the best way to describe how I feel.  I'm very happy and shocked that my first IVF worked.  So often it doesn't.  But it was one year ago exactly that I got a positive pregnancy result from my doctor for my first pregnancy and in the blink of an eye it was over.

A good friend reminded me that every single pregnancy is different and I need to find a way to feel joy about this pregnancy.  I agree with her.  But still it's hard.  With time, I'm sure the excitement will grow.  Especially as I get past certain milestones that I never experienced with the first pregnancy.

Until then, I'm still in a little bit of shock that this actually worked.  And a little bit freaked out that I might actually have a BABY.  I was the girl growing up who never wanted babies.  I never dreamt of being a mother.  And here I am wanting a family with Mr. Scout more than anything.  How did I get here?  I don't recognize myself right now.

Another thing I dont recognize - my body.  I still have bloat from the IVF meds and am probably going to go straight from bloat to baby bump.  I've always been the thin girl.  I don't deal well with bloat.  I know there are lots of wanna be mamas who would love nothing more than to have some baby bloat/bump.  But we're all different and while I'm so grateful for this BFP, accepting the changes to my body is going to be one of my battles. 

It's starting to sink in that a lot of things are going to change between now and July.

Eternal Optimist...But Not Today

Eternal Optimist:
1. A person who never ceases to give up hope in something they believe.
2. A person who will continue to believe in something or a positive outcome till the end of time.

This is me.  For me, "the glass is always half full."  Mr. Scout thinks I see the world through rose-coloured glasses - all the time.  I believe in the power of positive thinking.  I believe thoughts influence outcomes.

But not today.

I feel like this IVF cycle didn't work.  I don't know why.  It scares me that I feel this way.  What if feeling this way makes it true?  Why do I feel this way?  Was my response to the injections too good to be true and I don't want to get my hopes up?  Is it a defence mechanism because this is supposed to be our greatest chance at getting pregnant and what if that doesn't happen?  Am I scared that if it does work I'll lose the pregnancy again?  Is it because in the infertile world it seems like success stories are so rare?

I hate feeling this way. 

This is not me.

Loaded

Embryo transfer was a few days ago.  As I was lying on the table waiting for the procedure Dr. House told the nurse in the other room to load 'em up - meaning put the embryos in the needle.  Once the nurse was done she said "loaded" and passed the needle through the little window.  I am now officially "loaded."  That has such a different connotation than it did when I was in my twenties.

We transferred four (!!!!) embryos.  Four (!!!!) Grade 1 embryos.  Four (!!!!) embryos, two of which were 8-cell and two which were 6-cell.  We have 9 frozen embryos on ice should we need them.  17 were retrieved.  Apparently this is a really good response.  Especially for someone my age.  Dr. House said he had to double-check my chronological age because the number of embryos and their quality didn't look like they came from someone my age.  So if my eggs were so damn good why the hell weren't we able to get pregnant on our own???

My ovaries are apparently not very happy with what I put them through these last couple of weeks.  They are very enlarged and agitated.  I've still got some bloating and soreness which I'm told isn't going to go away anytime soon.  Naively, I thought as soon as the retrieval was done I'd start to feel like my old self again.  I guess if I find the BFP this cycle it's going to be a looooong time before I feel like my old self.

So now I wait.  We transferred four (!!!!) based on my age and the odds of success.  But I want just one baby.  I don't even know if my body could handle more than one.  So I wait.  Amazingly I'm not feeling anxious at all.  Whatever is going to be will be.  I've done everything I can.  Now it's just up to those embies if they want to stick around or not.

I'm Supposed To Be Excited, Right?

I triggered last night and my egg retrieval is going to take place Tuesday morning.  While I have lots of follicles, my E2 level is not as high as the number of follicles would indicate.  Dr. House says this is not a bad thing, it just means that we will get fewer eggs than the number of follicles indicate.  He's still projecting 8-12 eggs, which is a great number.

Maybe it is fear of the unknown since this is my first IVF, but I am not really excited.  I am happy to be done with the injections and happy that one way or another this cycle will soon be over with but I can't say I feel excited.  Maybe the thought of a pregnancy/baby is just so foreign that I can't grasp it.  I don't feel like it's not going to work, but I'm not convinced it is going to work either.  I guess I don't want to give myself a sense of false hope only to be disappointed.

If the IVF doesn't work I don't know if I'd do this again.  For one, its been incredibly unpleasant.  I've had so much discomfort from the growing follicles.  I'm bloated and sore and miserable.  Also, I don't wholly trust western medicine.  It makes me nervous to manipulate my body in this way.  I was willing to give it a shot, but to do this again and again....probably not within my comfort level.  Not to mention it's a lot of money.  Will Mr. Scout and I want to pay  for more procedures when there is no guarantee of the outcome? 

Anxious?  Yes.  Nervous?  Yes.  Hopeful?  A little.  Scared?  Yes.  Excited?  Not really.

Maybe this is all just because I'm one big hormonal mess right now.