37 weeks and 3 days...we're in the home stretch and I'm so ready to meet this little gal.
It's been a tough pregnancy. I know when she's here and I'm waking every 2 hrs for feedings I'm going to be craving the sleep I am able to get now - even though my sleep now sucks, it is better than waking every 2hrs.
Life with two kids is going to be difficult. Everyone says so. But having another little one to love as much as I love Cub Scout - that's gotta be pretty amazing!
Cub Scout is so awesome. He says "baby in there" and pulls up my shirt to touch and kiss my belly. When he rests his head on my belly and wraps his arms around my waist I melt. Then when he's had enough he pulls my shirt down and says "put baby away" or "baby go home." So stinking adorable.
I am sad that pretty soon Cub Scout won't be the centre of our world. I know having a sibling will be great for him but I will miss the one on one time I have with him.
It's been a long haul this pregnancy. But despite all the ups and downs I am a little sad that this will be my last pregnancy. We have no more frozen embryos. And I will not go through another fresh IVF. And the chances of us getting pregnant on our own are pretty slim. I will never see a little baby on an ultrasound again. I will never have a big round belly to rub. I will never feel baby kicks again. I will never experience the miracle of growing a little one inside me. But man, did I ever win the lottery to be able to experience this twice. I know this. And I am grateful.
October 7, 2013
September 12, 2013
33 Weeks - Everything I Want to Remember
How far along: 33 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Current weight = 121 lbs
Total weight gain/loss: Current weight = 121 lbs
Maternity clothes: Of course. And still wearing some loose, flowly non-maternity clothes
Stretch marks: None
Sleep: Meh. Baby is breech and as such I can't find a completely comfortable position to sleep in.
Movement: Decreased a little. I suspect there's less room in there for her to move around.
Cravings: Sweet stuff
Aversions: None but finding it hard to eat large amounts. Baby is often under my ribs and it's uncomfortable.
Gender: A little feminist
Symptoms: Pelvic pressure, Braxton Hicks contractions, cramping from time to time
What I miss: I want to say sleep but I know that once baby girl arrives I will be begging for the kind of sleep I'm getting now
What I look forward to: Seeing her for the first time and seeing how Cub Scout reacts to her
Moods: Grateful that I get to experience this twice. Trying to be appreciate every feeling knowing it will very likely be the last time I am ever pregnant
Milestones: 8 months
Medical Concerns: Pelvic Organ Prolapse. Breech baby.
Weekly Wisdom: Continue to appreciate being pregnant - enjoy this time - it goes by too fast!
Worst moment this week: Getting a cold
Best moment this week: When Cub Scout said "Mommy, can you hold my hand please?"
Best moment this week: When Cub Scout said "Mommy, can you hold my hand please?"
August 27, 2013
Growing Up
Cub Scout's daycare has webcams. Which means I can look at him anytime throughout the day....which I do...perhaps too much :) Ok, definitely too much. But how can I not? My little man is away from me all day long and I miss him so much and here's this camera into his world...
I watch him at daycare and realize he's growing up. My heart both melts and breaks at the same time. It's bittersweet. It's wonderful to see your child grow and learn new things and become more independent but at the same time it reminds you how fast the time is going, how one day he won't need mommy to wipe his nose or hold his hand. I want to hold on to each stage/age and not let go. I will miss the days when Cub Scout says "mommy, hug" and wraps his arms around my neck and presses his cheek against mine. I will miss when he says "mommy, hand" and reaches his little hand out to hold mine. I will miss all those moments when I get to give hugs and kisses and he doesn't push me away. I will miss cuddling him in my lap. I want to hold on to these moments forever yet I feel them slipping away.
Even though we'll be welcoming baby #2 into our family in October and I'll get to experience it all again I will still miss those moments with my first born as he continues to grow up.
There really is nothing in the world that compares to the experience of having a child. I am truly blessed. I had no idea this little man would steal my heart the way he has.
I watch him at daycare and realize he's growing up. My heart both melts and breaks at the same time. It's bittersweet. It's wonderful to see your child grow and learn new things and become more independent but at the same time it reminds you how fast the time is going, how one day he won't need mommy to wipe his nose or hold his hand. I want to hold on to each stage/age and not let go. I will miss the days when Cub Scout says "mommy, hug" and wraps his arms around my neck and presses his cheek against mine. I will miss when he says "mommy, hand" and reaches his little hand out to hold mine. I will miss all those moments when I get to give hugs and kisses and he doesn't push me away. I will miss cuddling him in my lap. I want to hold on to these moments forever yet I feel them slipping away.
Even though we'll be welcoming baby #2 into our family in October and I'll get to experience it all again I will still miss those moments with my first born as he continues to grow up.
There really is nothing in the world that compares to the experience of having a child. I am truly blessed. I had no idea this little man would steal my heart the way he has.
August 16, 2013
Week 30 - Everything I Want to Remember
How far along: 30 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Current weight = 118 lbs
Total weight gain/loss: Current weight = 118 lbs
Maternity clothes: Of course. And still wearing some loose, flowly non-maternity clothes
Stretch marks: None
Sleep: Meh. Still waking up at night to pee and now getting killer leg cramps again - almost nightly
Movement: Decreased a little. I suspect there's less room in there for her to move around.
Cravings: Sweet stuff
Aversions: Curries/Indian food - but not as bad as previous. Mr. Scout and I ordered in Indian food one night last week and I was able to eat it. I didn't enjoy it as much as I usually would though.
Gender: A little feminist
Symptoms: Pelvic pressure, increasing back pain - especially after sitting at my desk all day
What I miss: I want to say sleep but I know that once baby girl arrives I will be begging for the kind of sleep I'm getting now
What I look forward to: Seeing her for the first time and seeing how Cub Scout reacts to her
Moods: Grateful that I get to experience this twice. Trying to be appreciate every feeling knowing it will very likely be the last time I am ever pregnant
Milestones: I'm in my 7th month and final trimester
Medical Concerns: None. At last ultrasound to measure growth I was informed that this baby is measuring large - 86th percentile and was already 3 lbs! Never thought I'd be able to make a large baby! My weight gain is the same this pregnancy as last one so we'll have to wait and see if she comes out bigger than her brother.
Weekly Wisdom: Continue to appreciate being pregnant - enjoy this time - it goes by too fast!
Worst moment this week: One day of really bad back pain that forced me to leave work a bit early and generally feeling very pregnant and less mobile
Best moment this week: Every time Cub Scout says "kiss the belly" then kisses my belly - my heart swells :)
Best moment this week: Every time Cub Scout says "kiss the belly" then kisses my belly - my heart swells :)
July 17, 2013
Week 25 - Everything I Want to Remember
How far along: 25 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Current weight = 114.5 lbs (last pregnancy I was 115 lbs at 25 weeks)
Maternity clothes: Of course. And still wearing some loose, flowly non-maternity clothes
Stretch marks: None
Sleep: Meh. Up at least once a night to pee
Movement: Tons. This little gal is a mover and shaker. Much more movement going on compared to her brother...though he's made up for it since coming out of the womb!
Cravings: Sweet stuff
Aversions: Curries/Indian food - typically my favourite food but I haven't been able to touch it this pregnancy
Gender: A little feminist
Symptoms: Pelvic pressure, some back pain
What I miss: I want to say sleep but I know that once baby girl arrives I will be begging for the kind of sleep I'm getting now
What I look forward to: Seeing her for the first time
Moods: Grateful that I get to experience this twice. Trying to be appreciate every feeling knowing it will very likely be the last time I am ever pregnant
Milestones: I'm in my 6th month!
Medical Concerns: None
Weekly Wisdom: Continue to appreciate being pregnant - enjoy this time - it goes by too fast!
Worst moment this week: The awful heat wave we are experiencing makes me just generally uncomfortable
Best moment this week: Every time Cub Scout says "kiss the belly" then kisses my belly - my heart swells :)
Best moment this week: Every time Cub Scout says "kiss the belly" then kisses my belly - my heart swells :)
June 28, 2013
Baby Girl
This is a long overdue post to document the fact that we will be welcoming a baby girl to our family!
A girl. A daughter. A little feminist.
Having a daughter terrifies me when I think of mean girl culture, sexting, the prevalence of porn and how it distorts men and women's ideas of how a woman should look and act. While girls and women today have choices that my mother never had, the playing field is still far from equal. I hope to raise a little feminist. A rebel. A revolutionary. A shit disturber. A "I will move mountains because I can do anything I put my mind to" girl.
I also hope to raise my son to respect women. To cherish them. To treat them as his equal. To believe there are no differences between boys and girls when it comes to abilities. To teach others the same.
I never imagined that I could fall head over heels in love with a little boy. Then I had Cub Scout and realized I wouldn't trade him for all the girls in the world. Now I will have a little girl. I will love her fiercely too, this I know. My little Girl Scout.
I am blessed. Truly.
Weeks and weeks before I found out that this baby was a girl, I was home alone and felt the baby move. I put my hand on my belly and said "Hi baby girl." I knew. It wasn't wishful thinking. If anything I might have been leaning towards wanting another boy because I love Cub Scout so much and would have loved for him to have a brother. But I just knew this little one was a girl.
A girl. A daughter. A little feminist.
Having a daughter terrifies me when I think of mean girl culture, sexting, the prevalence of porn and how it distorts men and women's ideas of how a woman should look and act. While girls and women today have choices that my mother never had, the playing field is still far from equal. I hope to raise a little feminist. A rebel. A revolutionary. A shit disturber. A "I will move mountains because I can do anything I put my mind to" girl.
I also hope to raise my son to respect women. To cherish them. To treat them as his equal. To believe there are no differences between boys and girls when it comes to abilities. To teach others the same.
I never imagined that I could fall head over heels in love with a little boy. Then I had Cub Scout and realized I wouldn't trade him for all the girls in the world. Now I will have a little girl. I will love her fiercely too, this I know. My little Girl Scout.
I am blessed. Truly.
Weeks and weeks before I found out that this baby was a girl, I was home alone and felt the baby move. I put my hand on my belly and said "Hi baby girl." I knew. It wasn't wishful thinking. If anything I might have been leaning towards wanting another boy because I love Cub Scout so much and would have loved for him to have a brother. But I just knew this little one was a girl.
June 12, 2013
Week 20 - Everything I Want to Remember
How far along: 20 weeks 4 days
Total weight gain/loss: Current weight = 109 lbs
Maternity clothes: Combination of maternity and non-maternity
Stretch marks: None
Sleep: Interrupted and never enough of it
Movement: Feeling small movements every day
Cravings: Chocolate
Aversions: Indian food, anything with curry, which is normally my favourite!
Gender: Girl (aka my budding little feminist)
Symptoms: Tired, back pain
What I miss: My fabulous non-maternity clothes that I can't fit into
What I look forward to: Holding my DAUGHTER!
Moods: Relaxed
Milestones: Every new week is a milestone
Medical Concerns: Low-lying placenta (being sent to fetal medicine clinic for monitoring)
Weekly Wisdom: Try to enjoy every moment of pregnancy
Worst moment this week: None. The glass is half full!
Best moment this week: My midwife confiring that I'm having a girl
May 29, 2013
Hi Mommy
My favourite two words these days are "Hi Mommy." If Cub Scout sees me walking towards the car or if I walk into a room where he is he'll say "Hi Mommy" in the cutest voice imagineable.
At 22 months, he's such a little talker. This morning I sneezed and he said "bless you, Mommy." When I replied "thank you" he said "no problem." Every day when Mr. Scout and Cub Scout pick me up from work, Cub Scout starts waving from the back window and saying "Hi Mommy, Hi Mommy, Hi Mommy" repeatedly as soon as he sees me walk out of the building. It melts my heart every time.
He loves to say "hi" and "bye" and wave. He'll be watching a cartoon and when it's over he'll say "bye Toopy Binoo" or "bye Max & Ruby."
I have finally gotten out of the crippling fatigue that plagued me from the beginning of this pregnancy. It is so nice to have some energy back. I spent the entire weekend playing with Cub Scout, going for walks with him, playing in the park. He enjoyed the slides at the park this weekend so much. He would climb to the top, say "ready, set, go" and then slide down laughing all the way. When he got to the bottom he'd say "Fun!" and climb back up again.
The ipad is his new favourite toy. He'll sit and watch the educational videos as long as we'll let him and he knows how to scroll through the videos using his fingers and say "this one" when he finds one he wants to watch and then tap the screen to make it play.
And his fascination with trains continue. He says "chugga, chugga, choo choo" every time he hears or sees one. He says "all aboard" and I say "here's your ticket" and he'll pretend to take it out of my hand and put it in his pocket. He also loves to pretend sleep these days and will making snoring noises. Or if he sees mommy or daddy or one of the cats with our eyes closed he'll hold his finger to his mouth and say "shhh, mommy sleeping."
Today when he saw Grandma he said "come Grandma dance", took her hand and walked over to the carpet to dance with his Grandma. Grandma's heart melts every time :)
There are so many more things he says and does that I want to remember and will write them here as I recall them just so I don't ever forget them. I love this age. He's a ball of cuteness. Every time he holds my hand I never want to let go because I know there will be a day when he won't want to hold mommy's hand anymore.
At 22 months, he's such a little talker. This morning I sneezed and he said "bless you, Mommy." When I replied "thank you" he said "no problem." Every day when Mr. Scout and Cub Scout pick me up from work, Cub Scout starts waving from the back window and saying "Hi Mommy, Hi Mommy, Hi Mommy" repeatedly as soon as he sees me walk out of the building. It melts my heart every time.
He loves to say "hi" and "bye" and wave. He'll be watching a cartoon and when it's over he'll say "bye Toopy Binoo" or "bye Max & Ruby."
I have finally gotten out of the crippling fatigue that plagued me from the beginning of this pregnancy. It is so nice to have some energy back. I spent the entire weekend playing with Cub Scout, going for walks with him, playing in the park. He enjoyed the slides at the park this weekend so much. He would climb to the top, say "ready, set, go" and then slide down laughing all the way. When he got to the bottom he'd say "Fun!" and climb back up again.
The ipad is his new favourite toy. He'll sit and watch the educational videos as long as we'll let him and he knows how to scroll through the videos using his fingers and say "this one" when he finds one he wants to watch and then tap the screen to make it play.
And his fascination with trains continue. He says "chugga, chugga, choo choo" every time he hears or sees one. He says "all aboard" and I say "here's your ticket" and he'll pretend to take it out of my hand and put it in his pocket. He also loves to pretend sleep these days and will making snoring noises. Or if he sees mommy or daddy or one of the cats with our eyes closed he'll hold his finger to his mouth and say "shhh, mommy sleeping."
Today when he saw Grandma he said "come Grandma dance", took her hand and walked over to the carpet to dance with his Grandma. Grandma's heart melts every time :)
There are so many more things he says and does that I want to remember and will write them here as I recall them just so I don't ever forget them. I love this age. He's a ball of cuteness. Every time he holds my hand I never want to let go because I know there will be a day when he won't want to hold mommy's hand anymore.
April 26, 2013
Week 14 - Everything I Want to Remember
How far along: 14 weeks exactly
Total weight gain/loss: Current weight = 102lbs
Maternity clothes: Wore a pair of maternity pants yesterday but mostly wearing my regualr clothes with my Bella Band - maternity clothes are still too big
Stretch marks: None
Sleep: Interrupted and never enough of it
Movement: Have felt a few little flutters but not sure if it's movement or just gas :)
Cravings: No specific cravings but I love the smell of coffee
Aversions: Changes day by day
Gender: Unknown at this time and I have no particular feeling one way or the other
Symptoms: Tired, tired, tired
What I miss: My energy!
What I look forward to: Next ultrasound on June 3 when I get to find out of this babe is a boy or girl
Moods: Too tired for moods
Milestones: Every new week is a milestone
Medical Concerns: A low placenta, a cyst on one ovary, a subchorionic bleed/hematoma and a nodule on my thyroid (biopsy pending)
Weekly Wisdom: Try to enjoy every moment of pregnancy
Worst moment this week: None. The glass is half full!
Best moment this week: Every moment with Cub Scout where I get to give him my full, undivided attention
April 25, 2013
In Happier News
Just to balance today's previous bad karma post I thought I'd post something happier.
We saw little Baby Scout at my 12 week ultrasound a couple of weeks ago. Cute as a button that little Baby Scout is. S/he gave us a perfect profile view and we saw a strong beating heart.
Cub Scout continues to fascinate me every day with how fast he learns and grows. He's now putting together three-word sentences. His favourites so far are "bless you Daddy" when Mr. Scout sneezes and "I did it!" when he accomplishes something all on his own like stacking blocks.
Cub Scout loves crackers and is always asking for "mow cwacka" - that's his toddler speak for "more crackers." Some other favourite words of mine that he says are "dubba dubba dubba" for the letter "W", "owside" for outside, "help please" when he needs assistance getting a toy out of the box or putting on a jacket, "yogo" for yogurt, "macanoni" for macaroni. I never want to forget his toddler-speak, it's so darn cute.
He's a challenge to say the least. He's at that toddler stage where he's testing limits and asserting his independence. Some days (many days!) it seems there is more crying/tantrums in our house than not. But then when you ask him for a hug and he runs and dives into your arms you forget every tantrum in an instant. The power of love :)
I can't believe Cub Scout is approaching two years old. It seems like just yesterday he was barrelling out of me ready to take on the world. He's got personality this child of mine. He loves to read. Loves trains. Loves the riding cars outside. Has a smile that lights up his face and a serious frown just to balance things out - which he gets from Daddy :) He's got a wild head of hair that takes a lot of product to control, but it's just too adorable to cut. He's happy and engaging and vocal and full of energy and moody and cuddly and a million other things all rolled into one. He is the BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
We saw little Baby Scout at my 12 week ultrasound a couple of weeks ago. Cute as a button that little Baby Scout is. S/he gave us a perfect profile view and we saw a strong beating heart.
Cub Scout continues to fascinate me every day with how fast he learns and grows. He's now putting together three-word sentences. His favourites so far are "bless you Daddy" when Mr. Scout sneezes and "I did it!" when he accomplishes something all on his own like stacking blocks.
Cub Scout loves crackers and is always asking for "mow cwacka" - that's his toddler speak for "more crackers." Some other favourite words of mine that he says are "dubba dubba dubba" for the letter "W", "owside" for outside, "help please" when he needs assistance getting a toy out of the box or putting on a jacket, "yogo" for yogurt, "macanoni" for macaroni. I never want to forget his toddler-speak, it's so darn cute.
He's a challenge to say the least. He's at that toddler stage where he's testing limits and asserting his independence. Some days (many days!) it seems there is more crying/tantrums in our house than not. But then when you ask him for a hug and he runs and dives into your arms you forget every tantrum in an instant. The power of love :)
I can't believe Cub Scout is approaching two years old. It seems like just yesterday he was barrelling out of me ready to take on the world. He's got personality this child of mine. He loves to read. Loves trains. Loves the riding cars outside. Has a smile that lights up his face and a serious frown just to balance things out - which he gets from Daddy :) He's got a wild head of hair that takes a lot of product to control, but it's just too adorable to cut. He's happy and engaging and vocal and full of energy and moody and cuddly and a million other things all rolled into one. He is the BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
How Things Change
Last post I was writing about how I had nothing really to worry about....
Now, that's changed.
It seems I have a "low" placenta. Which I'm told is not uncommon. I'm also told that in the majority of cases the placenta moves up as the baby grows. I was put on pelvic rest as a precaution. That means no exercise and no lifting. I'm told not to worry about it, and mostly I haven't.
It also seems I have a cyst on my left ovary. Again I'm told it is not uncommon. I'm also told that it can go away on it's own. It hasn't caused me any pain, which is good. However if I do start to experience a stabbing pain that doesn't go away then I am to call the midwife. I've also been told not to worry about this, and mostly I haven't.
And, it seems I have a subchorionic bleed/hematoma. Once again, I'm told it is not uncommon. And I'm told that it can be re-abosrbed by my body and disappear. I haven't had any spotting or bleeding this pregnancy, which is good. If spotting/bleeding develops then I need to call my midwife. Don't worry about this I'm told, but I confess I have, a little.
And if those three 'minor' conditions weren't enough for an infertile to deal with I've got another bigger health concern that is causing me worry, as hard as I try not to worry. A nodule was disovered on the right side of my thyroid. I've learned through my own research that nodules are not uncommon. I've also learned that most nodules are benign. However, my nodule has microcalcification. Microcalcification, according to my internet research, is more commonly associated with malignant tissue. Malignant, aka, Cancer. Add to that a strong family history of thyroid diseases and my risk factor shoots way up.
A biopsy has been scheduled. It cannot come soon enough. I need to know, one way or the other, what I'm dealing with. And how would one deal with a Cancer diagnosis during pregnancy?? As if a Cancer diagnosis on its own wouldn't be bad enough, but throw in a pregnancy and already being a mother to a toddler and it becomes unbearable to even think about.
Really universe?? It wasn't enough that I struggled to get pregnant, you had to throw this shit at me too?? Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Now, that's changed.
It seems I have a "low" placenta. Which I'm told is not uncommon. I'm also told that in the majority of cases the placenta moves up as the baby grows. I was put on pelvic rest as a precaution. That means no exercise and no lifting. I'm told not to worry about it, and mostly I haven't.
It also seems I have a cyst on my left ovary. Again I'm told it is not uncommon. I'm also told that it can go away on it's own. It hasn't caused me any pain, which is good. However if I do start to experience a stabbing pain that doesn't go away then I am to call the midwife. I've also been told not to worry about this, and mostly I haven't.
And, it seems I have a subchorionic bleed/hematoma. Once again, I'm told it is not uncommon. And I'm told that it can be re-abosrbed by my body and disappear. I haven't had any spotting or bleeding this pregnancy, which is good. If spotting/bleeding develops then I need to call my midwife. Don't worry about this I'm told, but I confess I have, a little.
And if those three 'minor' conditions weren't enough for an infertile to deal with I've got another bigger health concern that is causing me worry, as hard as I try not to worry. A nodule was disovered on the right side of my thyroid. I've learned through my own research that nodules are not uncommon. I've also learned that most nodules are benign. However, my nodule has microcalcification. Microcalcification, according to my internet research, is more commonly associated with malignant tissue. Malignant, aka, Cancer. Add to that a strong family history of thyroid diseases and my risk factor shoots way up.
A biopsy has been scheduled. It cannot come soon enough. I need to know, one way or the other, what I'm dealing with. And how would one deal with a Cancer diagnosis during pregnancy?? As if a Cancer diagnosis on its own wouldn't be bad enough, but throw in a pregnancy and already being a mother to a toddler and it becomes unbearable to even think about.
Really universe?? It wasn't enough that I struggled to get pregnant, you had to throw this shit at me too?? Thanks. Thanks a lot.
March 27, 2013
Everything is Different...And Yet the Same
How different and how much the same pregnancy is this time around.
Different in the sense that I am not in complete and utter shock every single day that I'm pregnant. The first time I don't think there was a single second of the day when I wasn't conscious of the fact that I was pregnant. This time around, I am aware most of the time that I'm pregnant, but there are moments when there's not even a thought in my head that I'm pregnant. I was obsessed last time but this time it doesn't seem like it's even happening. Weird eh?
Having said that, much is the same with this pregnancy. There's the little nagging fear in the back of my head - that 'what if'?' So far it's been an uneventful pregnancy so there is nothing for me to worry about. But dealing with IF means you always worry I think.
This time, I'm still counting down to something. I was counting down to the first ultrasound and seeing the heartbeat. Counting down to my first appointment with my midwife. Counting down to when I can stop the progesterone suppositories. Counting down to the end of the first trimester. Each event that I can check off the calendar lets me exhale a bit.
Last time I paid a lot of attention to what I ate because it was nourishing my growing baby. This time I'm not as obsessive about it. Not for lack of caring or wanting to eat well, but mostly due to lack of time or energy to plan meals and snacks. Being pregnant with a toddler running around the house leaves not much time for indulging in pregnancy-related obsessions :)
I wonder how it will be parenting baby #2 vs. baby #1? ;)
Different in the sense that I am not in complete and utter shock every single day that I'm pregnant. The first time I don't think there was a single second of the day when I wasn't conscious of the fact that I was pregnant. This time around, I am aware most of the time that I'm pregnant, but there are moments when there's not even a thought in my head that I'm pregnant. I was obsessed last time but this time it doesn't seem like it's even happening. Weird eh?
Having said that, much is the same with this pregnancy. There's the little nagging fear in the back of my head - that 'what if'?' So far it's been an uneventful pregnancy so there is nothing for me to worry about. But dealing with IF means you always worry I think.
This time, I'm still counting down to something. I was counting down to the first ultrasound and seeing the heartbeat. Counting down to my first appointment with my midwife. Counting down to when I can stop the progesterone suppositories. Counting down to the end of the first trimester. Each event that I can check off the calendar lets me exhale a bit.
Last time I paid a lot of attention to what I ate because it was nourishing my growing baby. This time I'm not as obsessive about it. Not for lack of caring or wanting to eat well, but mostly due to lack of time or energy to plan meals and snacks. Being pregnant with a toddler running around the house leaves not much time for indulging in pregnancy-related obsessions :)
I wonder how it will be parenting baby #2 vs. baby #1? ;)
March 5, 2013
One Little Heartbeat
I had an ultrasound yesterday (at 6w3d) and saw one little heartbeat. And then I exhaled. I exhaled to see the heartbeat and know that things seem to progressing as they should and I also exhaled to see that it was just one. I was terrified of multiples. I am always surprised when people get excited over twins. Babies are a LOT of work. Toddlers are even MORE work. Why would I want TWO at the same time in addition to the ball-of-energy toddler I currently have? I love the idea of three children, but not twins. I was perfectly happy to see just one tiny perfect little heartbeat.
February 21, 2013
On The Baby Train
I am indeed pregnant. I cried when the clinic called to give me the news. I wasn't expecting it. I didn't want to get my hopes up. But here I am...preggers. My betas are much higher this time than when I was pregnant with Cub Scout. I don't know if that means multiples?? Please no....I'm hoping for just one.
No significant symptoms yet, which is fine by me. A little tired, a little lightheaded, but that's all.
Still nervous - the curse of having dealt with IF and a previous loss. Just taking it day by day.
No significant symptoms yet, which is fine by me. A little tired, a little lightheaded, but that's all.
Still nervous - the curse of having dealt with IF and a previous loss. Just taking it day by day.
February 15, 2013
Waiting, waiting, waiting
I went for my blood test this morning to find out if I am indeed pregnant. I've had no symptoms, which I have to keep reminding myself is okay, because I had no symptoms this early on when I was pregnant with Cub Scout.
I am at work, sitting at my computer, unable to do a thing but stare at my phone. My clinic likely won't call for another couple of hours but knowing this doesn't make the waiting any easier. My stomach is in knots. I feel like vomiting I'm so nervous.
Part of me just wants the answer - whether positive or negative so I can get this horrendous two week wait over with. But a big part of me is terrified of the answer in case it's negative.
Cub Scout brings me so much joy. He was extra adorable and funny this morning as we were getting ready to go to work and take him to daycare. But I look at him and I want so much for him to have someone to play with and laugh with and fight with and grow up with. He has lots of cousins, all within the same range, but that's not the same as having a sibling. I want another baby as much for him as I do for me.
I am at work, sitting at my computer, unable to do a thing but stare at my phone. My clinic likely won't call for another couple of hours but knowing this doesn't make the waiting any easier. My stomach is in knots. I feel like vomiting I'm so nervous.
Part of me just wants the answer - whether positive or negative so I can get this horrendous two week wait over with. But a big part of me is terrified of the answer in case it's negative.
Cub Scout brings me so much joy. He was extra adorable and funny this morning as we were getting ready to go to work and take him to daycare. But I look at him and I want so much for him to have someone to play with and laugh with and fight with and grow up with. He has lots of cousins, all within the same range, but that's not the same as having a sibling. I want another baby as much for him as I do for me.
February 12, 2013
PUPO
We've jumped on this roller coaster ride called infertility again. On February 4th we did a FET of 4 embroys. All 3 day, 6 cell, grades 1 & 2. So technically, I am PUPO.
We had nine frosties from my fresh IVF. All were thawed and 4 survived. I hadn't planned to thaw all 9. I had hoped to keep some frozen in case FET round one didn't work. But for various reasons we thawed all 9. I didn't want to risk re-freezing any so we transferred all 4. Which I know is a LOT. I transferred 4 last time and it resulted in my little Cub Scout. I wasn't comfortable with 4 last time and said I would only do 2, maximum 3 this time. But here I am, with 4 little frosties in my uterus. Hopefully one, and just one, decides to snuggle in and call my uterus its home for the next nine months.
I don't know what I'll do if none of them implant. I can't bear the thought of not having another child. It's much harder this time around. Last time I wasn't a parent, I didn't know what having a child would feel like. This time I know. I know that it is the greatest feeling in the world. I know that I don't even remember life before becoming a mother. I know that if I never get to experience pregnancy and raising another child that my heart will always ache. I know what I'll be missing this time.
I am grateful, so grateful, for my little Cub Scout. I know many of my IF sisters never get to experience the joy of having a child. And here I am longing for a second child and feeling a little guilty about it. I doubt anyone who hasn't dealt with IF ever feels guilty about having a second child.
I don't know if I can be okay with not having another baby. I just don't know. I said I would only do IVF once. I was never comfortable manipulating my body that way. And it was difficult and uncomfortable. But when I said that I didn't have a child. Now...I'm still not comfortable with IVF and the things I would have to do to my body if I chose to do another fresh cycle. But I'm also not sure I can let go of wanting another baby.
If this FET is not successful will another IVF be in my future?
Hopefully I won't have to answer that question.
We had nine frosties from my fresh IVF. All were thawed and 4 survived. I hadn't planned to thaw all 9. I had hoped to keep some frozen in case FET round one didn't work. But for various reasons we thawed all 9. I didn't want to risk re-freezing any so we transferred all 4. Which I know is a LOT. I transferred 4 last time and it resulted in my little Cub Scout. I wasn't comfortable with 4 last time and said I would only do 2, maximum 3 this time. But here I am, with 4 little frosties in my uterus. Hopefully one, and just one, decides to snuggle in and call my uterus its home for the next nine months.
I don't know what I'll do if none of them implant. I can't bear the thought of not having another child. It's much harder this time around. Last time I wasn't a parent, I didn't know what having a child would feel like. This time I know. I know that it is the greatest feeling in the world. I know that I don't even remember life before becoming a mother. I know that if I never get to experience pregnancy and raising another child that my heart will always ache. I know what I'll be missing this time.
I am grateful, so grateful, for my little Cub Scout. I know many of my IF sisters never get to experience the joy of having a child. And here I am longing for a second child and feeling a little guilty about it. I doubt anyone who hasn't dealt with IF ever feels guilty about having a second child.
I don't know if I can be okay with not having another baby. I just don't know. I said I would only do IVF once. I was never comfortable manipulating my body that way. And it was difficult and uncomfortable. But when I said that I didn't have a child. Now...I'm still not comfortable with IVF and the things I would have to do to my body if I chose to do another fresh cycle. But I'm also not sure I can let go of wanting another baby.
If this FET is not successful will another IVF be in my future?
Hopefully I won't have to answer that question.
January 30, 2013
Working Outside the Home...Oh So Hard!
Almost a year since my last post. The last year has been full of so many milestones and trials and joys. Re-reading my last post I think I was still in the new-mother stage where all I did was gush over my baby.
I still gush over him, every day, I confess. He will always be the love of my life. My little man.
I wish I had written more this past year and captured all of the little things that I don't want to forget. Perhaps I'll sit down another time and write another post to keep track of all those things.
But for now...
I returned to work a few weeks ago after 18 glorious months as a stay at home mom. I was so fortunate to have that much time at home with my son. Returning to work has been difficult to say the least. Much harder than I even anticipated it would be. I miss him. Terribly. It's so hard to go from being with him all day every day to only spending 2 hours a day with him. He's in a good childcare centre, but still, it's not home. He's with people who aren't his mommy, who don't know him the way I do.
Never in a million years would I have thought I'd want to be a stay at home mom. For many years I didn't even want children. Having a child changed me so much that I don't recognize my former self. I was the woman who wanted my own career, my own paycheque, my own independance above all else. And now what I want more than anything is to stay home and raise babies. Which is by far the harder job. And easily the most rewarding job.
As for my outside the home job...I could care less. It's a job that I used to love. Now, not so much. I count the hours until I can go home and see my son. If there was a way for me to quit, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Financially, my income is too hard to give up. I'm grateful that women now have the choice to either work inside or outside the home. My mother didn't have that choice. It was expected that she would stay home and raise her babies while my dad went to work. It wasn't until we were much older that she was able to return to school and begin a career. I think there are benefits to working outside the home or working inside the home as a stay at home mom. But for me, I want to be home, no doubt about it. And my days are filled with anguish that I can't do that.
I still gush over him, every day, I confess. He will always be the love of my life. My little man.
I wish I had written more this past year and captured all of the little things that I don't want to forget. Perhaps I'll sit down another time and write another post to keep track of all those things.
But for now...
I returned to work a few weeks ago after 18 glorious months as a stay at home mom. I was so fortunate to have that much time at home with my son. Returning to work has been difficult to say the least. Much harder than I even anticipated it would be. I miss him. Terribly. It's so hard to go from being with him all day every day to only spending 2 hours a day with him. He's in a good childcare centre, but still, it's not home. He's with people who aren't his mommy, who don't know him the way I do.
Never in a million years would I have thought I'd want to be a stay at home mom. For many years I didn't even want children. Having a child changed me so much that I don't recognize my former self. I was the woman who wanted my own career, my own paycheque, my own independance above all else. And now what I want more than anything is to stay home and raise babies. Which is by far the harder job. And easily the most rewarding job.
As for my outside the home job...I could care less. It's a job that I used to love. Now, not so much. I count the hours until I can go home and see my son. If there was a way for me to quit, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Financially, my income is too hard to give up. I'm grateful that women now have the choice to either work inside or outside the home. My mother didn't have that choice. It was expected that she would stay home and raise her babies while my dad went to work. It wasn't until we were much older that she was able to return to school and begin a career. I think there are benefits to working outside the home or working inside the home as a stay at home mom. But for me, I want to be home, no doubt about it. And my days are filled with anguish that I can't do that.
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