January 30, 2013

Working Outside the Home...Oh So Hard!

Almost a year since my last post.  The last year has been full of so many milestones and trials and joys.  Re-reading my last post I think I was still in the new-mother stage where all I did was gush over my baby.

I still gush over him, every day, I confess. He will always be the love of my life.  My little man.

I wish I had written more this past year and captured all of the little things that I don't want to forget.  Perhaps I'll sit down another time and write another post to keep track of all those things.

But for now...

I returned to work a few weeks ago after 18 glorious months as a stay at home mom.  I was so fortunate to have that much time at home with my son.  Returning to work has been difficult to say the least.  Much harder than I even anticipated it would be.  I miss him.  Terribly.  It's so hard to go from being with him all day every day to only spending 2 hours a day with him. He's in a good childcare centre, but still, it's not home.  He's with people who aren't his mommy, who don't know him the way I do.

Never in a million years would I have thought I'd want to be a stay at home mom.  For many years I didn't even want children. Having a child changed me so much that I don't recognize my former self. I was the woman who wanted my own career, my own paycheque, my own independance above all else. And now what I want more than anything is to stay home and raise babies. Which is by far the harder job. And easily the most rewarding job.

As for my outside the home job...I could care less.  It's a job that I used to love.  Now, not so much.  I count the hours until I can go home and see my son.  If there was a way for me to quit, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Financially, my income is too hard to give up.  I'm grateful that women now have the choice to either work inside or outside the home.  My mother didn't have that choice.  It was expected that she would stay home and raise her babies while my dad went to work.  It wasn't until we were much older that she was able to return to school and begin a career.  I think there are benefits to working outside the home or working inside the home as a stay at home mom.  But for me, I want to be home, no doubt about it. And my days are filled with anguish that I can't do that.

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