PUPO

We've jumped on this roller coaster ride called infertility again.  On February 4th we did a FET of 4 embroys.  All 3 day, 6 cell, grades 1 & 2.  So technically, I am PUPO.

We had nine frosties from my fresh IVF.  All were thawed and 4 survived.  I hadn't planned to thaw all 9.  I had hoped to keep some frozen in case FET round one didn't work.  But for various reasons we thawed all 9.  I didn't want to risk re-freezing any so we transferred all 4.  Which I know is a LOT.  I transferred 4 last time and it resulted in my little Cub Scout.  I wasn't comfortable with 4 last time and said I would only do 2, maximum 3 this time.  But here I am, with 4 little frosties in my uterus.  Hopefully one, and just one, decides to snuggle in and call my uterus its home for the next nine months.

I don't know what I'll do if none of them implant.  I can't bear the thought of not having another child.  It's much harder this time around.  Last time I wasn't a parent, I didn't know what having a child would feel like.  This time I know.  I know that it is the greatest feeling in the world.  I know that I don't even remember life before becoming a mother.  I know that if I never get to experience pregnancy and raising another child that my heart will always ache. I know what I'll be missing this time.

I am grateful, so grateful, for my little Cub Scout.  I know many of my IF sisters never get to experience the joy of having a child.  And here I am longing for a second child and feeling a little guilty about it.  I doubt anyone who hasn't dealt with IF ever feels guilty about having a second child.

I don't know if I can be okay with not having another baby. I just don't know.  I said I would only do IVF once.  I was never comfortable manipulating my body that way.  And it was difficult and uncomfortable. But when I said that I didn't have a child.  Now...I'm still not comfortable with IVF and the things I would have to do to my body if I chose to do another fresh cycle.  But I'm also not sure I can let go of wanting another baby. 

If this FET is not successful will another IVF be in my future?

Hopefully I won't have to answer that question.