When I started this blog just a short while ago the purpose was to provide me with an outlet for all the infertility crap we were dealing with.
Well, not long after I started blogging, I got my BFP. I'm happy and I try not to complain too much about the symptoms because I worked hard to get here after all. And I am so fortunate and grateful to be here, 8 weeks pregnant. I don't feel like I need this blog as an outlet any longer. And I feel guilty that I have crossed to the other side and left others behind still struggling. I don't want anyone to read my blog and feel bad for what they don't have.
So, to continue to blog or not to blog?
Some days I think I should continue and use this as a place to document the pregnancy and my feelings. Maybe one day my little Cub Scout would like to read it?
Until my next post.....or not.
December 14, 2010
December 13, 2010
The Baby Card
Being pregnant has its advantages. I get to play the "baby card" with Mr. Scout.
For example, because of this extreme fatigue he has taken over driving duties. Whenever we go out somewhere we would usually take turns driving, one day he would drive, the next time I would drive. Now, he drives all the time and I love it because I much prefer to sit back and relax....and nap.
We were out yesterday and I noticed that Mr. Scout was not wearing his seatbelt. He wears his seatbelt maybe 50% of the time, whereas I wear mine ALL the time. When I ask him to wear his seatbelt sometimes he obliges, other times not. But yesterday when I asked him to wear his seatbelt and he scoffed at the suggestion I played the baby card and said "you know you have a baby on the way" :) He put on that seatbelt pretty darn quick!
I look forward to when I start showing a bump and people are obliged to give me a seat on the subway and streetcar :)
For example, because of this extreme fatigue he has taken over driving duties. Whenever we go out somewhere we would usually take turns driving, one day he would drive, the next time I would drive. Now, he drives all the time and I love it because I much prefer to sit back and relax....and nap.
We were out yesterday and I noticed that Mr. Scout was not wearing his seatbelt. He wears his seatbelt maybe 50% of the time, whereas I wear mine ALL the time. When I ask him to wear his seatbelt sometimes he obliges, other times not. But yesterday when I asked him to wear his seatbelt and he scoffed at the suggestion I played the baby card and said "you know you have a baby on the way" :) He put on that seatbelt pretty darn quick!
I look forward to when I start showing a bump and people are obliged to give me a seat on the subway and streetcar :)
December 9, 2010
You Want Me To Work?
Holy f&cking fatigue! I am tired all the time. When I'm awake all I can think about is going to sleep. How the hell does anyone get any work done when they're pregnant?!
Is it just because I am of advanced maternal age that my energy level is so low? If I were 10 years younger would I be bouncing around the office like the energizer bunny? My employer should be grateful that I don't have to operate heavy machinery.
Dear Boss, can I close my door, draw the blinds and crawl under my desk and take a nap? Pretty please.
Is it just because I am of advanced maternal age that my energy level is so low? If I were 10 years younger would I be bouncing around the office like the energizer bunny? My employer should be grateful that I don't have to operate heavy machinery.
Dear Boss, can I close my door, draw the blinds and crawl under my desk and take a nap? Pretty please.
December 7, 2010
We Have a Heartbeat!
I can't believe it. I saw a heartbeat. I am grateful. So very, very grateful to be in this position. Words cannot express how fortunate I feel to have reached this stage.
As I was lying there watching the ultrasound screen I kept seeing this little blinking dot which I knew was the heartbeat. At the end of the ultrasound the technician asked if I wanted to see the heartbeat and she turned the screen so that I could get a better view. It was simply amazing. I'm in awe knowing there is a little heart beating inside of me.
Mr. Scout was not with me but I called him as soon as I left the doctor's office. When he answered the phone and I heard his voice I got choked up and weepy and all I could say was "it's good." Then I composed myself and told him that I saw the heartbeat and what it looked like and how it felt to see it. And I cried some more.
One more small milestone has been passed. I know I'm only seven weeks. And I know all too well that things can change in the blink of an eye. But I will celebrate each and every one of these milestones and be grateful for them.
Dr. House's office called me this afternoon and said I have "graduated." Wow. I wasn't expecting that to happen so soon. I thought I'd still have a few more weeks of follow up appointments. But, I can't say I'm disappointed.
I exhaled a little bit more today. Whew!
As I was lying there watching the ultrasound screen I kept seeing this little blinking dot which I knew was the heartbeat. At the end of the ultrasound the technician asked if I wanted to see the heartbeat and she turned the screen so that I could get a better view. It was simply amazing. I'm in awe knowing there is a little heart beating inside of me.
Mr. Scout was not with me but I called him as soon as I left the doctor's office. When he answered the phone and I heard his voice I got choked up and weepy and all I could say was "it's good." Then I composed myself and told him that I saw the heartbeat and what it looked like and how it felt to see it. And I cried some more.
One more small milestone has been passed. I know I'm only seven weeks. And I know all too well that things can change in the blink of an eye. But I will celebrate each and every one of these milestones and be grateful for them.
Dr. House's office called me this afternoon and said I have "graduated." Wow. I wasn't expecting that to happen so soon. I thought I'd still have a few more weeks of follow up appointments. But, I can't say I'm disappointed.
I exhaled a little bit more today. Whew!
December 1, 2010
A Little Feminist
I had an ultrasound yesterday at exactly 6 weeks pregnant. A gestational sac and yolk sac were visible, but not the heartbeat. I was told ahead of time that it might be too early to see the heartbeat. I'm not worried. I am confident I will see that little heartbeat at next week's ultrasound.
Mr. Scout said yesterday he has a feeling our little Cub Scout is a girl. I've had the same feeling. However on my part it is probably more wishful thinking than a feeling. There are many reasons I want to have a daughter. Amongst them, I had an amazing relationship with my maternal grandmother and I miss her daily. I would love to have a little girl that I can name after my grandmother. I would love to have a little girl and watch her develop a relationship with my mom like I had with my grandmother. Not to mention, I think women are amazing beings and I would love to raise a little feminist :)
I recently read the following on thefeministbreeder.com/ blog and all the things she wrote are more reasons why I would love a little girl:
Without a Daughter:
I have an wonderful relationship with my mom and my aunt. When my grandmother was alive and the four of us were together it was simply amazing. I want a little girl to join our clan and share the relationship and bond I have with my mom and my aunt.
That's a lot of pressure eh? If this little Cub Scout is a boy, no doubt I will love and adore him. But I would be lying if I said I didn't have a preference for a daughter. I know a lot of people would say that I should just be happy to have a healthy baby, and I will. And perhaps people will think it is too early in the pregnancy to be having thoughts like this. But I won't apologize for having a preference. Judge me all you want, but that's my truth.
Mr. Scout said yesterday he has a feeling our little Cub Scout is a girl. I've had the same feeling. However on my part it is probably more wishful thinking than a feeling. There are many reasons I want to have a daughter. Amongst them, I had an amazing relationship with my maternal grandmother and I miss her daily. I would love to have a little girl that I can name after my grandmother. I would love to have a little girl and watch her develop a relationship with my mom like I had with my grandmother. Not to mention, I think women are amazing beings and I would love to raise a little feminist :)
I recently read the following on thefeministbreeder.com/ blog and all the things she wrote are more reasons why I would love a little girl:
Without a Daughter:
- I’ll never be the mother of a bride.
- I’ll never watch one of my children grow a baby.
- I’ll never watch one of my children breastfeed a baby.
- I’ll never share my wisdom of womanhood with someone who has similar parts as mine.
- I’ll never get to see what another female with my DNA would look like.
- I’ll never get to be a mother to a female who breaks down barriers.
- My husband will never walk a daughter down the aisle.
I have an wonderful relationship with my mom and my aunt. When my grandmother was alive and the four of us were together it was simply amazing. I want a little girl to join our clan and share the relationship and bond I have with my mom and my aunt.
That's a lot of pressure eh? If this little Cub Scout is a boy, no doubt I will love and adore him. But I would be lying if I said I didn't have a preference for a daughter. I know a lot of people would say that I should just be happy to have a healthy baby, and I will. And perhaps people will think it is too early in the pregnancy to be having thoughts like this. But I won't apologize for having a preference. Judge me all you want, but that's my truth.
Choosing Joy
Even though I know things can go from good to bad in the blink of an eye and I live with this fear in the back of my mind every second of every day - including when I'm sleeping (see Mind Games post below), I am choosing to be joyous about this pregnancy.
I want to enjoy it. I don't want to live in fear that something awful will happen. I want to make plans and dream about the future with our little Cub Scout. And, surprisingly enough, I am more joyous this time than I was with the first pregnancy. With the first pregnancy I was naive. Everyone knows miscarriage is a possibility, but when you experience your very first pregnancy, it's not something you think will happen to you, at least I didn't. With my first pregnancy I was in shock mostly. Even though it was a planned pregnancy, it was still a shock that I was pregnant. Granted, I didn't have as much time to get used to the idea of being pregnant before it was over, but still, I can't say I felt joyous about it.
This time, lots and lots of joy! I have to thank my infertility journey for that. Had I not been through the things I went through this past year I don't know if I would feel the same amout of joy. It's different after you've had a loss. You appreciate it more. It's as simple as that.
I want to enjoy it. I don't want to live in fear that something awful will happen. I want to make plans and dream about the future with our little Cub Scout. And, surprisingly enough, I am more joyous this time than I was with the first pregnancy. With the first pregnancy I was naive. Everyone knows miscarriage is a possibility, but when you experience your very first pregnancy, it's not something you think will happen to you, at least I didn't. With my first pregnancy I was in shock mostly. Even though it was a planned pregnancy, it was still a shock that I was pregnant. Granted, I didn't have as much time to get used to the idea of being pregnant before it was over, but still, I can't say I felt joyous about it.
This time, lots and lots of joy! I have to thank my infertility journey for that. Had I not been through the things I went through this past year I don't know if I would feel the same amout of joy. It's different after you've had a loss. You appreciate it more. It's as simple as that.
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