Waiting to Exhale

When reading other people's IF/TTC blogs it's common to come across posts where the blogger is waiting.  When TTC you're always waiting for something.  Waiting for your period so you can start your next cycle, waiting for results from blood work and ultrasounds, waiting to ovulate, waiting to test for pregnancy...

Today I feel like I'm just waiting to exhale.  My egg retrieval is not going to happen this weekend.  Right now it looks like the earliest it will happen is Tuesday.  Until then I inject and I wait.  After the retrieval I'll be waiting to hear how many eggs were fertilized.  After that I'll be waiting for the transfer.  After the transfer I'll be waiting for the pregnancy test.  When do I get to exhale?

Confessions of an Infertile

• I sometimes resent women who get pregnant without any difficulty.  I can't help but wonder if they know how truly miraculous a pregnancy is.  And can they have the same appreciation for pregnancy and children that I would have after what I've been through?*

• I'm not fully out of the IF closet.  Only a few friends know about my journey and mostly they are amazing women who have battled IF themselves.  I know my family would want to know, but I can't bring myself to inflict our pain on them.

• There are days when I don't know if I really want the end result...it feels like too much work to keep going.

• I don't regret not TTC sooner.  There's no way to know if the result would have been any different.  And I loved my life pre-TTC.  Me and Mr. Scout had some amazing fun and adventure.

• I feel guilty that my IF journey has been "easy" compared to that of other women.  What right do I have to complain and feel upset or angry when what I've endured is nothing compared to what they've endured?

• I shop...A LOT.  It makes me feel better.  And I justify it by telling myself that once I have children I won't be able to spoil myself this much so I had better take advantage of it now.  And it makes me feel better.  If I can't have a baby then damnit I'm going to have those fabulous shoes...and that stunning dress...and that 63rd bottle of nail polish that I don't really need.  And did I tell you it makes me feel better?

• I spend way too much time at work reading other people's IF blogs.

*By no means do I think this will make me a better parent.  Parenting is the hardest job in the world I'm sure.  But like anything in life, if you have to work hard to achieve it don't you appreciate it a little more than if it was just handed to you without much effort?

Holy Follicles Batman!

Our plan was to do IUI this cycle with the injections. But when Dr. House's office called this morning after my bloodwork and ultrasound the nurse said I have "really taken off" - meaning I have responded too well and have a lot of follicles growing at good sizes. 
 
Based on how I have responded Dr. House is recommending converting my cycle to IVF.
 
Since I have a lot of follicles every month to start with, stimulating them with drugs meant there was a chance they could "really take off" and my cycle would have to be converted to IVF to avoid the risk of multiples.  I absolutely do not want to be an Octo-mom.  Avoiding multiples is a no-brainer for me.  So after a short discussion with Mr. Scout, a good friend, and my message board buddies, Mr. Scout and I decided we're going to take a shot at IVF. 

It ain't cheap...so this may well be our one and only IVF.  I'm confident that it's the way to go.  If it works then holy crap I'll be pregnant soon!  If it doesn't work then I'll know I tried and maybe going forward I'll be able to let go a little bit and just let whatever will be, be.

My stats this morning - 8 follicles on the right side measuring:
3 @ 17mm
1 @ 16mm
2 @ 15mm
1 @ 13mm
1 @ 12mm

5 follicles on the left side measuring:
1 @ 15mm
2 @ 13mm
1 @ 12mm
1 @ 11mm

I had a feeling my ovaries were partying and getting high on the drugs!!!

The plan now:

• continuing injecting the Gonal F
• go to the clinic Thursday afternoon for a Cetrotide injection
• go to the clinic Friday morning for bloodwork and ultrasound
• give myself a trigger shot likely sometime Friday evening or Saturday
• retrieval will take place Sunday or Monday
• transfer 3 days after that

This is all happening so fast!

Dr. House

For ease of writing I've decided to give my Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) a name.  Henceforth, I'm calling him Dr. House after t.v.'s Dr. Gregory House.  If you've watched the t.v. show House you know that Dr. House's bedside manner occasionally leaves something to be desired. 

My RE can also be a little rough around the edges sometimes.  I think my RE is an excellent doctor and some days he's very personable, but other days he can be a little blunt and it's on those days that he reminds of t.v.'s Dr. House.  Just to be clear, he's nothing like the t.v. Dr. House who is rude and sarcastic - for the most part my RE is a very nice guy, but some days he can be very straightforward.

And I appreciate his straightforward manner.  I'm a tell-it-to-me-like-it-is kinda gal.  I would hate a cheerleadery (I don't care if that's not a real word) type doctor who told me every cycle was going to be the cycle where I get pregnant.  I believe in positivity, but I don't need someone giving me false hope or a pep talk every time I see him/her.

So Dr. House it is.

Oh My Achin' Ovaries

This is day 4 of injections and while the side effects are few, there are a couple.  Some mild headaches here and there and some achin' ovaries.  I never knew you could actually feel your ovaries until now - I guess that's what happens when you put them in overdrive.  I imagine they're having a little party in there - my ovaries are gettin' high!  Well dear ovaries, amidst all that partying, I hope you are cooking up some good eggs!

But so far, I'll take these side effects over the side effect from my one cycle of Clomid.  I was on the lowest dose of Clomid and I had hot flashes.  Hot flashes in my sleep, hot flashes at work, hot flashes everywhere.  Not. Fun.  All I could think was if this is a preview of what menopause is going to be like then I want no part of it.

This morning I had to go to the clinic for bloodwork and ultrasound.  Waking up early on a Sunay morning to be poked and prodded with a needle and an ultrasound wand is not the best way to start your day.  But it's amazing what becomes your new normal after doing it so many times. 

Injecting is quickly becoming my new normal too.  Mr. Scout and I went to another couple's house for dinner last night.  I took my drug paraphenalia with me and injected in their washroom.  Shooting up in other people's houses - so this is what it's come to eh? 

Oh, and one last thing, apparently the only time having a nice flat stomach isn't a good thing is when you have to find enough fat to pinch to insert a needle.  Who knew!

Now That I've Got A Blog...

I thought I'd post some random musings about what I've learned since we started trying to become 1 + 1 = 3

Infertility (IF) sucks.  It really does.  But when life hands me sour grapes I always try to make wine.  So what have I learned thus far? 

• A pregnancy is precious.  When I see pregnant friends or family or even strangers I can appreciate how precious their pregnancy is (even if the preggo herself doesn't realize it.)  Before my IF journey I had no idea how fragile and miraculous a pregnancy really is.
• There are far too many women out there on message boards and in blog-land who are struggling with IF.  We are not alone and a virtual hug is always just a few keystrokes away.   Thank you to the ladies who have hugged me and offered words of advice and support.  I wouldn't know you if I bumped into you on the street, but you have calmed my fears, eased my pain and answered more questions than you'll ever know.  I couldn't have got through any of this without you.
• Women are amazing beings, this I've always known.  But women dealing with IF, perhaps some of the strongest women ever!
• The best friend in the world is one who will listen to you when you need to talk about your IF pain, even when she is experiencing her own IF struggles.  It's a horrible bond to have to share, but it creates a friendship like no other.

Having said all this, there are days when it feels like life has handed me a big bunch of sour grapes and there is no way to make wine out of them...but those days always pass and I get by with a little help from my friends (virtual and real) and Mr. Scout!

Never Say Never

I have done something I said I would never do...I injected myself with meds that are supposed to help me find that ever-elusive BFP.  The injection wasn't too bad, it was pretty simple actually and pain-free.  The hardest part was the emotional anguish. 

When I started on this path to conception I swore that no matter where my infertility journey took me, I would never resort to injections.  I guess part of me believed it would never get to this point.  After all, my RE has found no medical reason for us to not get pregnant.  If there's nothing "wrong" then surely I wouldn't need assisted reproductive technologies right? 

Well, I learned a big fat lesson - never say never.  I never thought I would want to experience pregnancy and childbirth enough to make me resort to injecting myself with synthetic hormones.  I was the girl who was never even sure she wanted to have children.  But then one day I realized that I really, really did want a family with Mr. Scout.  (Mr. Scout and I are also pursuing adoption and it has always been part of our plan to create a family both through adoption and hopefully have a biological child as well.) 

Well clearly things have changed and infertility has taken me places I never thought I would go.  How long will I stay on this road?  I don't know.  Where else will it take me?  That remains to be seen.

In searching for courage to give myself that first injection last night I thought of my grandmother.  I told myself that if she could battle cancer, certainly I could poke myself with a little needle.  I used to take her to her chemotherapy appointments and sit with her as she received treatment and she always, always put on a brave face.  She passed away almost 10 years ago, but she is with me every single day, and especially last night. 

In a perfect world, this cycle of injects will be successful and I will have a little girl who I can name in memory of my grandmother.  Sadly, one of the lessons you quickly learn when battling infertility is that things rarely work out the way you plan.  With every injection I will tell myself that I am one step closer to my goal.  And if for some reason this cycle isn't successful then I will find the strength to rally and carry on wherever the road may lead.

Here we go...

Today seems an apt day to start this blog.  I will be giving myself my very first injection tonight and will have to muster all the courage and strength I can!  I know it won't be nearly as bad as I think it will, and if others can do it, I can certainly do it.

The last few weeks have been particularly difficult as I was trying to decide whether or not to start injections.  Writing has always been a good outlet for me in trying times so I thought perhaps it was a time for a blog.  I have some wonderful friends who are always there to listen and provide support and Mr. Scout is my rock, but sometimes I get tired of talking about this journey and need another avenue to release my thoughts.

Also, as I've stumbled down this road of infertility I feel more and more that there is too much silence around the issue.  As I have slowly shared my journey with people in my life I have come to learn that some of them have travelled down similar paths and it saddens me that I never knew of their struggle because infertility is just not something that is openly talked about. 

My hope is that my writing here will be therapeutic for me, and if along the way someone else reads something I've written and finds comfort in it, well then, all the better.