I am indeed pregnant. I cried when the clinic called to give me the news. I wasn't expecting it. I didn't want to get my hopes up. But here I am...preggers. My betas are much higher this time than when I was pregnant with Cub Scout. I don't know if that means multiples?? Please no....I'm hoping for just one.
No significant symptoms yet, which is fine by me. A little tired, a little lightheaded, but that's all.
Still nervous - the curse of having dealt with IF and a previous loss. Just taking it day by day.
February 21, 2013
February 15, 2013
Waiting, waiting, waiting
I went for my blood test this morning to find out if I am indeed pregnant. I've had no symptoms, which I have to keep reminding myself is okay, because I had no symptoms this early on when I was pregnant with Cub Scout.
I am at work, sitting at my computer, unable to do a thing but stare at my phone. My clinic likely won't call for another couple of hours but knowing this doesn't make the waiting any easier. My stomach is in knots. I feel like vomiting I'm so nervous.
Part of me just wants the answer - whether positive or negative so I can get this horrendous two week wait over with. But a big part of me is terrified of the answer in case it's negative.
Cub Scout brings me so much joy. He was extra adorable and funny this morning as we were getting ready to go to work and take him to daycare. But I look at him and I want so much for him to have someone to play with and laugh with and fight with and grow up with. He has lots of cousins, all within the same range, but that's not the same as having a sibling. I want another baby as much for him as I do for me.
I am at work, sitting at my computer, unable to do a thing but stare at my phone. My clinic likely won't call for another couple of hours but knowing this doesn't make the waiting any easier. My stomach is in knots. I feel like vomiting I'm so nervous.
Part of me just wants the answer - whether positive or negative so I can get this horrendous two week wait over with. But a big part of me is terrified of the answer in case it's negative.
Cub Scout brings me so much joy. He was extra adorable and funny this morning as we were getting ready to go to work and take him to daycare. But I look at him and I want so much for him to have someone to play with and laugh with and fight with and grow up with. He has lots of cousins, all within the same range, but that's not the same as having a sibling. I want another baby as much for him as I do for me.
February 12, 2013
PUPO
We've jumped on this roller coaster ride called infertility again. On February 4th we did a FET of 4 embroys. All 3 day, 6 cell, grades 1 & 2. So technically, I am PUPO.
We had nine frosties from my fresh IVF. All were thawed and 4 survived. I hadn't planned to thaw all 9. I had hoped to keep some frozen in case FET round one didn't work. But for various reasons we thawed all 9. I didn't want to risk re-freezing any so we transferred all 4. Which I know is a LOT. I transferred 4 last time and it resulted in my little Cub Scout. I wasn't comfortable with 4 last time and said I would only do 2, maximum 3 this time. But here I am, with 4 little frosties in my uterus. Hopefully one, and just one, decides to snuggle in and call my uterus its home for the next nine months.
I don't know what I'll do if none of them implant. I can't bear the thought of not having another child. It's much harder this time around. Last time I wasn't a parent, I didn't know what having a child would feel like. This time I know. I know that it is the greatest feeling in the world. I know that I don't even remember life before becoming a mother. I know that if I never get to experience pregnancy and raising another child that my heart will always ache. I know what I'll be missing this time.
I am grateful, so grateful, for my little Cub Scout. I know many of my IF sisters never get to experience the joy of having a child. And here I am longing for a second child and feeling a little guilty about it. I doubt anyone who hasn't dealt with IF ever feels guilty about having a second child.
I don't know if I can be okay with not having another baby. I just don't know. I said I would only do IVF once. I was never comfortable manipulating my body that way. And it was difficult and uncomfortable. But when I said that I didn't have a child. Now...I'm still not comfortable with IVF and the things I would have to do to my body if I chose to do another fresh cycle. But I'm also not sure I can let go of wanting another baby.
If this FET is not successful will another IVF be in my future?
Hopefully I won't have to answer that question.
We had nine frosties from my fresh IVF. All were thawed and 4 survived. I hadn't planned to thaw all 9. I had hoped to keep some frozen in case FET round one didn't work. But for various reasons we thawed all 9. I didn't want to risk re-freezing any so we transferred all 4. Which I know is a LOT. I transferred 4 last time and it resulted in my little Cub Scout. I wasn't comfortable with 4 last time and said I would only do 2, maximum 3 this time. But here I am, with 4 little frosties in my uterus. Hopefully one, and just one, decides to snuggle in and call my uterus its home for the next nine months.
I don't know what I'll do if none of them implant. I can't bear the thought of not having another child. It's much harder this time around. Last time I wasn't a parent, I didn't know what having a child would feel like. This time I know. I know that it is the greatest feeling in the world. I know that I don't even remember life before becoming a mother. I know that if I never get to experience pregnancy and raising another child that my heart will always ache. I know what I'll be missing this time.
I am grateful, so grateful, for my little Cub Scout. I know many of my IF sisters never get to experience the joy of having a child. And here I am longing for a second child and feeling a little guilty about it. I doubt anyone who hasn't dealt with IF ever feels guilty about having a second child.
I don't know if I can be okay with not having another baby. I just don't know. I said I would only do IVF once. I was never comfortable manipulating my body that way. And it was difficult and uncomfortable. But when I said that I didn't have a child. Now...I'm still not comfortable with IVF and the things I would have to do to my body if I chose to do another fresh cycle. But I'm also not sure I can let go of wanting another baby.
If this FET is not successful will another IVF be in my future?
Hopefully I won't have to answer that question.
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