Everything is Different...And Yet the Same

How different and how much the same pregnancy is this time around.

Different in the sense that I am not in complete and utter shock every single day that I'm pregnant.  The first time I don't think there was a single second of the day when I wasn't conscious of the fact that I was pregnant.  This time around, I am aware most of the time that I'm pregnant, but there are moments when there's not even a thought in my head that I'm pregnant.  I was obsessed last time but this time it doesn't seem like it's even happening.  Weird eh?

Having said that, much is the same with this pregnancy.  There's the little nagging fear in the back of my head - that 'what if'?'  So far it's been an uneventful pregnancy so there is nothing for me to worry about.  But dealing with IF means you always worry I think.

This time, I'm still counting down to something.  I was counting down to the first ultrasound and seeing the heartbeat.  Counting down to my first appointment with my midwife.  Counting down to when I can stop the progesterone suppositories.  Counting down to the end of the first trimester.  Each event that I can check off the calendar lets me exhale a bit.

Last time I paid a lot of attention to what I ate because it was nourishing my growing baby.  This time I'm not as obsessive about it.  Not for lack of caring or wanting to eat well, but mostly due to lack of time or energy to plan meals and snacks.  Being pregnant with a toddler running around the house leaves not much time for indulging in pregnancy-related obsessions :)

I wonder how it will be parenting baby #2 vs. baby #1? ;)

One Little Heartbeat

I had an ultrasound yesterday (at 6w3d) and saw one little heartbeat.  And then I exhaled.  I exhaled to see the heartbeat and know that things seem to progressing as they should and I also exhaled to see that it was just one.  I was terrified of multiples.  I am always surprised when people get excited over twins. Babies are a LOT of work.  Toddlers are even MORE work.  Why would I want TWO at the same time in addition to the ball-of-energy toddler I currently have?  I love the idea of three children, but not twins.  I was perfectly happy to see just one tiny perfect little heartbeat.

On The Baby Train

I am indeed pregnant.  I cried when the clinic called to give me the news.  I wasn't expecting it.  I didn't want to get my hopes up.  But here I am...preggers.  My betas are much higher this time than when I was pregnant with Cub Scout.  I don't know if that means multiples??  Please no....I'm hoping for just one.

No significant symptoms yet, which is fine by me.  A little tired, a little lightheaded, but that's all.

Still nervous - the curse of having dealt with IF and a previous loss.  Just taking it day by day.

Waiting, waiting, waiting

I went for my blood test this morning to find out if I am indeed pregnant.  I've had no symptoms, which I have to keep reminding myself is okay, because I had no symptoms this early on when I was pregnant with Cub Scout.

I am at work, sitting at my computer, unable to do a thing but stare at my phone.  My clinic likely won't call for another couple of hours but knowing this doesn't make the waiting any easier.  My stomach is in knots.  I feel like vomiting I'm so nervous. 

Part of me just wants the answer - whether positive or negative so I can get this horrendous two week wait over with.  But a big part of me is terrified of the answer in case it's negative. 

Cub Scout brings me so much joy.  He was extra adorable and funny this morning as we were getting ready to go to work and take him to daycare.  But I look at him and I want so much for him to have someone to play with and laugh with and fight with and grow up with.  He has lots of cousins, all within the same range, but that's not the same as having a sibling. I want another baby as much for him as I do for me.

PUPO

We've jumped on this roller coaster ride called infertility again.  On February 4th we did a FET of 4 embroys.  All 3 day, 6 cell, grades 1 & 2.  So technically, I am PUPO.

We had nine frosties from my fresh IVF.  All were thawed and 4 survived.  I hadn't planned to thaw all 9.  I had hoped to keep some frozen in case FET round one didn't work.  But for various reasons we thawed all 9.  I didn't want to risk re-freezing any so we transferred all 4.  Which I know is a LOT.  I transferred 4 last time and it resulted in my little Cub Scout.  I wasn't comfortable with 4 last time and said I would only do 2, maximum 3 this time.  But here I am, with 4 little frosties in my uterus.  Hopefully one, and just one, decides to snuggle in and call my uterus its home for the next nine months.

I don't know what I'll do if none of them implant.  I can't bear the thought of not having another child.  It's much harder this time around.  Last time I wasn't a parent, I didn't know what having a child would feel like.  This time I know.  I know that it is the greatest feeling in the world.  I know that I don't even remember life before becoming a mother.  I know that if I never get to experience pregnancy and raising another child that my heart will always ache. I know what I'll be missing this time.

I am grateful, so grateful, for my little Cub Scout.  I know many of my IF sisters never get to experience the joy of having a child.  And here I am longing for a second child and feeling a little guilty about it.  I doubt anyone who hasn't dealt with IF ever feels guilty about having a second child.

I don't know if I can be okay with not having another baby. I just don't know.  I said I would only do IVF once.  I was never comfortable manipulating my body that way.  And it was difficult and uncomfortable. But when I said that I didn't have a child.  Now...I'm still not comfortable with IVF and the things I would have to do to my body if I chose to do another fresh cycle.  But I'm also not sure I can let go of wanting another baby. 

If this FET is not successful will another IVF be in my future?

Hopefully I won't have to answer that question.

Working Outside the Home...Oh So Hard!

Almost a year since my last post.  The last year has been full of so many milestones and trials and joys.  Re-reading my last post I think I was still in the new-mother stage where all I did was gush over my baby.

I still gush over him, every day, I confess. He will always be the love of my life.  My little man.

I wish I had written more this past year and captured all of the little things that I don't want to forget.  Perhaps I'll sit down another time and write another post to keep track of all those things.

But for now...

I returned to work a few weeks ago after 18 glorious months as a stay at home mom.  I was so fortunate to have that much time at home with my son.  Returning to work has been difficult to say the least.  Much harder than I even anticipated it would be.  I miss him.  Terribly.  It's so hard to go from being with him all day every day to only spending 2 hours a day with him. He's in a good childcare centre, but still, it's not home.  He's with people who aren't his mommy, who don't know him the way I do.

Never in a million years would I have thought I'd want to be a stay at home mom.  For many years I didn't even want children. Having a child changed me so much that I don't recognize my former self. I was the woman who wanted my own career, my own paycheque, my own independance above all else. And now what I want more than anything is to stay home and raise babies. Which is by far the harder job. And easily the most rewarding job.

As for my outside the home job...I could care less.  It's a job that I used to love.  Now, not so much.  I count the hours until I can go home and see my son.  If there was a way for me to quit, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Financially, my income is too hard to give up.  I'm grateful that women now have the choice to either work inside or outside the home.  My mother didn't have that choice.  It was expected that she would stay home and raise her babies while my dad went to work.  It wasn't until we were much older that she was able to return to school and begin a career.  I think there are benefits to working outside the home or working inside the home as a stay at home mom.  But for me, I want to be home, no doubt about it. And my days are filled with anguish that I can't do that.

Love

I didn't know what else to title this post other than just "love."

It's what I feel for Cub Scout every moment of every day.

I love my little man more than words can express.  My heart aches with the love I have for him.  That's such a cliche, but it's so accurate.

I think I was meant to have a little boy and I am grateful.  Oh so grateful.  I never would have known that I could love a son THIS MUCH.

When I was pregnant I couldn't imagine having a son.  Now, I can't imagine not having one.  I can't picture myself with a daughter.  I love my little boy so much.  I want to give him a brother.

He is the most amazing little guy.  All smiles all the time.  He's laid back and happy all the time (except when he has to go to sleep).

He's a joy.  I relish every day I spend with him.  When I lie in bed and nurse him I never want him to grow up.  I know I will never again have that kind of closeness with him.  He's only going to get bigger and need his mommy less and less as the years go by.

I think about how he doesn't even have a clue how much I love him.  You can't know this kind of love until you have a child of your own.

This is the greatest love in the world.