I am indeed pregnant. I cried when the clinic called to give me the news. I wasn't expecting it. I didn't want to get my hopes up. But here I am...preggers. My betas are much higher this time than when I was pregnant with Cub Scout. I don't know if that means multiples?? Please no....I'm hoping for just one.
No significant symptoms yet, which is fine by me. A little tired, a little lightheaded, but that's all.
Still nervous - the curse of having dealt with IF and a previous loss. Just taking it day by day.
February 21, 2013
February 15, 2013
Waiting, waiting, waiting
I went for my blood test this morning to find out if I am indeed pregnant. I've had no symptoms, which I have to keep reminding myself is okay, because I had no symptoms this early on when I was pregnant with Cub Scout.
I am at work, sitting at my computer, unable to do a thing but stare at my phone. My clinic likely won't call for another couple of hours but knowing this doesn't make the waiting any easier. My stomach is in knots. I feel like vomiting I'm so nervous.
Part of me just wants the answer - whether positive or negative so I can get this horrendous two week wait over with. But a big part of me is terrified of the answer in case it's negative.
Cub Scout brings me so much joy. He was extra adorable and funny this morning as we were getting ready to go to work and take him to daycare. But I look at him and I want so much for him to have someone to play with and laugh with and fight with and grow up with. He has lots of cousins, all within the same range, but that's not the same as having a sibling. I want another baby as much for him as I do for me.
I am at work, sitting at my computer, unable to do a thing but stare at my phone. My clinic likely won't call for another couple of hours but knowing this doesn't make the waiting any easier. My stomach is in knots. I feel like vomiting I'm so nervous.
Part of me just wants the answer - whether positive or negative so I can get this horrendous two week wait over with. But a big part of me is terrified of the answer in case it's negative.
Cub Scout brings me so much joy. He was extra adorable and funny this morning as we were getting ready to go to work and take him to daycare. But I look at him and I want so much for him to have someone to play with and laugh with and fight with and grow up with. He has lots of cousins, all within the same range, but that's not the same as having a sibling. I want another baby as much for him as I do for me.
February 12, 2013
PUPO
We've jumped on this roller coaster ride called infertility again. On February 4th we did a FET of 4 embroys. All 3 day, 6 cell, grades 1 & 2. So technically, I am PUPO.
We had nine frosties from my fresh IVF. All were thawed and 4 survived. I hadn't planned to thaw all 9. I had hoped to keep some frozen in case FET round one didn't work. But for various reasons we thawed all 9. I didn't want to risk re-freezing any so we transferred all 4. Which I know is a LOT. I transferred 4 last time and it resulted in my little Cub Scout. I wasn't comfortable with 4 last time and said I would only do 2, maximum 3 this time. But here I am, with 4 little frosties in my uterus. Hopefully one, and just one, decides to snuggle in and call my uterus its home for the next nine months.
I don't know what I'll do if none of them implant. I can't bear the thought of not having another child. It's much harder this time around. Last time I wasn't a parent, I didn't know what having a child would feel like. This time I know. I know that it is the greatest feeling in the world. I know that I don't even remember life before becoming a mother. I know that if I never get to experience pregnancy and raising another child that my heart will always ache. I know what I'll be missing this time.
I am grateful, so grateful, for my little Cub Scout. I know many of my IF sisters never get to experience the joy of having a child. And here I am longing for a second child and feeling a little guilty about it. I doubt anyone who hasn't dealt with IF ever feels guilty about having a second child.
I don't know if I can be okay with not having another baby. I just don't know. I said I would only do IVF once. I was never comfortable manipulating my body that way. And it was difficult and uncomfortable. But when I said that I didn't have a child. Now...I'm still not comfortable with IVF and the things I would have to do to my body if I chose to do another fresh cycle. But I'm also not sure I can let go of wanting another baby.
If this FET is not successful will another IVF be in my future?
Hopefully I won't have to answer that question.
We had nine frosties from my fresh IVF. All were thawed and 4 survived. I hadn't planned to thaw all 9. I had hoped to keep some frozen in case FET round one didn't work. But for various reasons we thawed all 9. I didn't want to risk re-freezing any so we transferred all 4. Which I know is a LOT. I transferred 4 last time and it resulted in my little Cub Scout. I wasn't comfortable with 4 last time and said I would only do 2, maximum 3 this time. But here I am, with 4 little frosties in my uterus. Hopefully one, and just one, decides to snuggle in and call my uterus its home for the next nine months.
I don't know what I'll do if none of them implant. I can't bear the thought of not having another child. It's much harder this time around. Last time I wasn't a parent, I didn't know what having a child would feel like. This time I know. I know that it is the greatest feeling in the world. I know that I don't even remember life before becoming a mother. I know that if I never get to experience pregnancy and raising another child that my heart will always ache. I know what I'll be missing this time.
I am grateful, so grateful, for my little Cub Scout. I know many of my IF sisters never get to experience the joy of having a child. And here I am longing for a second child and feeling a little guilty about it. I doubt anyone who hasn't dealt with IF ever feels guilty about having a second child.
I don't know if I can be okay with not having another baby. I just don't know. I said I would only do IVF once. I was never comfortable manipulating my body that way. And it was difficult and uncomfortable. But when I said that I didn't have a child. Now...I'm still not comfortable with IVF and the things I would have to do to my body if I chose to do another fresh cycle. But I'm also not sure I can let go of wanting another baby.
If this FET is not successful will another IVF be in my future?
Hopefully I won't have to answer that question.
January 30, 2013
Working Outside the Home...Oh So Hard!
Almost a year since my last post. The last year has been full of so many milestones and trials and joys. Re-reading my last post I think I was still in the new-mother stage where all I did was gush over my baby.
I still gush over him, every day, I confess. He will always be the love of my life. My little man.
I wish I had written more this past year and captured all of the little things that I don't want to forget. Perhaps I'll sit down another time and write another post to keep track of all those things.
But for now...
I returned to work a few weeks ago after 18 glorious months as a stay at home mom. I was so fortunate to have that much time at home with my son. Returning to work has been difficult to say the least. Much harder than I even anticipated it would be. I miss him. Terribly. It's so hard to go from being with him all day every day to only spending 2 hours a day with him. He's in a good childcare centre, but still, it's not home. He's with people who aren't his mommy, who don't know him the way I do.
Never in a million years would I have thought I'd want to be a stay at home mom. For many years I didn't even want children. Having a child changed me so much that I don't recognize my former self. I was the woman who wanted my own career, my own paycheque, my own independance above all else. And now what I want more than anything is to stay home and raise babies. Which is by far the harder job. And easily the most rewarding job.
As for my outside the home job...I could care less. It's a job that I used to love. Now, not so much. I count the hours until I can go home and see my son. If there was a way for me to quit, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Financially, my income is too hard to give up. I'm grateful that women now have the choice to either work inside or outside the home. My mother didn't have that choice. It was expected that she would stay home and raise her babies while my dad went to work. It wasn't until we were much older that she was able to return to school and begin a career. I think there are benefits to working outside the home or working inside the home as a stay at home mom. But for me, I want to be home, no doubt about it. And my days are filled with anguish that I can't do that.
I still gush over him, every day, I confess. He will always be the love of my life. My little man.
I wish I had written more this past year and captured all of the little things that I don't want to forget. Perhaps I'll sit down another time and write another post to keep track of all those things.
But for now...
I returned to work a few weeks ago after 18 glorious months as a stay at home mom. I was so fortunate to have that much time at home with my son. Returning to work has been difficult to say the least. Much harder than I even anticipated it would be. I miss him. Terribly. It's so hard to go from being with him all day every day to only spending 2 hours a day with him. He's in a good childcare centre, but still, it's not home. He's with people who aren't his mommy, who don't know him the way I do.
Never in a million years would I have thought I'd want to be a stay at home mom. For many years I didn't even want children. Having a child changed me so much that I don't recognize my former self. I was the woman who wanted my own career, my own paycheque, my own independance above all else. And now what I want more than anything is to stay home and raise babies. Which is by far the harder job. And easily the most rewarding job.
As for my outside the home job...I could care less. It's a job that I used to love. Now, not so much. I count the hours until I can go home and see my son. If there was a way for me to quit, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Financially, my income is too hard to give up. I'm grateful that women now have the choice to either work inside or outside the home. My mother didn't have that choice. It was expected that she would stay home and raise her babies while my dad went to work. It wasn't until we were much older that she was able to return to school and begin a career. I think there are benefits to working outside the home or working inside the home as a stay at home mom. But for me, I want to be home, no doubt about it. And my days are filled with anguish that I can't do that.
February 23, 2012
Love
I didn't know what else to title this post other than just "love."
It's what I feel for Cub Scout every moment of every day.
I love my little man more than words can express. My heart aches with the love I have for him. That's such a cliche, but it's so accurate.
I think I was meant to have a little boy and I am grateful. Oh so grateful. I never would have known that I could love a son THIS MUCH.
When I was pregnant I couldn't imagine having a son. Now, I can't imagine not having one. I can't picture myself with a daughter. I love my little boy so much. I want to give him a brother.
He is the most amazing little guy. All smiles all the time. He's laid back and happy all the time (except when he has to go to sleep).
He's a joy. I relish every day I spend with him. When I lie in bed and nurse him I never want him to grow up. I know I will never again have that kind of closeness with him. He's only going to get bigger and need his mommy less and less as the years go by.
I think about how he doesn't even have a clue how much I love him. You can't know this kind of love until you have a child of your own.
This is the greatest love in the world.
It's what I feel for Cub Scout every moment of every day.
I love my little man more than words can express. My heart aches with the love I have for him. That's such a cliche, but it's so accurate.
I think I was meant to have a little boy and I am grateful. Oh so grateful. I never would have known that I could love a son THIS MUCH.
When I was pregnant I couldn't imagine having a son. Now, I can't imagine not having one. I can't picture myself with a daughter. I love my little boy so much. I want to give him a brother.
He is the most amazing little guy. All smiles all the time. He's laid back and happy all the time (except when he has to go to sleep).
He's a joy. I relish every day I spend with him. When I lie in bed and nurse him I never want him to grow up. I know I will never again have that kind of closeness with him. He's only going to get bigger and need his mommy less and less as the years go by.
I think about how he doesn't even have a clue how much I love him. You can't know this kind of love until you have a child of your own.
This is the greatest love in the world.
December 14, 2011
Randomness
First, kudos to all those mommy bloggers who find time to write! I find it near impossible to find time to blog. How do you mommy's do it????
There is so much to write that I don't even know where to start.
As much as I thought I loved Cub Scout when I wrote my last post...that was nothing. I feel like my heart swells and grows with love for him more every day. I love everything about him. I love the sounds he makes when he's nursing. Sometimes I will just close my eyes and listen and try to burn those sounds into my brain so that I never forget them. I love his cry. He doesn't cry much, but when he does, oh is it ever cute :) I love watching him grow and change. It's so fun to see him on the verge of a milestone and then achieve it. I could see him being close to being able to laugh for a couple of weeks and then he finally did. I could see him being close to being able to roll and then he did. Right now I can see him being close to being able to sit up on his own and soon he will. Every milestone he reaches is something to celebrate and the littlest things make you so proud.
He is now 5 months old and I don't know where the time as gone. Soon he'll be 6 months and then my one year maternity leave will be half over. I don't know how I'm ever going to go back to work. I cannot conceive of it. How can I leave my little boy in someone else's care all day long? That, to me, is just wrong. He should be with his mommy. I should be the one feeding him and reading to him and singing to him and putting him to sleep at nap time - not someone else.
I can't believe there was a time when I wasn't sure I wanted children. I wish we had started our family sooner. While I loved my life before Cub Scout and all the things we were able to do, I wish my little boy came into my life sooner.
Being a parent is...well there are no words right now. It's everything good in the world all rolled up into one. Nothing has brought me greater joy.
I hope we have more children. I want to feel this love over and over again. Though I imagine my little Cub Scout will always hold a special place in my heart because he is my first :)
I wish there was some cohesion to this post, but its been so long since I've blogged that I can't focus.
There is so much to write that I don't even know where to start.
As much as I thought I loved Cub Scout when I wrote my last post...that was nothing. I feel like my heart swells and grows with love for him more every day. I love everything about him. I love the sounds he makes when he's nursing. Sometimes I will just close my eyes and listen and try to burn those sounds into my brain so that I never forget them. I love his cry. He doesn't cry much, but when he does, oh is it ever cute :) I love watching him grow and change. It's so fun to see him on the verge of a milestone and then achieve it. I could see him being close to being able to laugh for a couple of weeks and then he finally did. I could see him being close to being able to roll and then he did. Right now I can see him being close to being able to sit up on his own and soon he will. Every milestone he reaches is something to celebrate and the littlest things make you so proud.
He is now 5 months old and I don't know where the time as gone. Soon he'll be 6 months and then my one year maternity leave will be half over. I don't know how I'm ever going to go back to work. I cannot conceive of it. How can I leave my little boy in someone else's care all day long? That, to me, is just wrong. He should be with his mommy. I should be the one feeding him and reading to him and singing to him and putting him to sleep at nap time - not someone else.
I can't believe there was a time when I wasn't sure I wanted children. I wish we had started our family sooner. While I loved my life before Cub Scout and all the things we were able to do, I wish my little boy came into my life sooner.
Being a parent is...well there are no words right now. It's everything good in the world all rolled up into one. Nothing has brought me greater joy.
I hope we have more children. I want to feel this love over and over again. Though I imagine my little Cub Scout will always hold a special place in my heart because he is my first :)
I wish there was some cohesion to this post, but its been so long since I've blogged that I can't focus.
August 9, 2011
He's Here
And he arrived almost 4 weeks ago! Where has 4 weeks gone??! There's so much to say about the last 4 weeks but it seems I have no time to write it all.
Cub Scout arrived 12 days early at 38 weeks and 2 days. My water began leaking a couple of days before his birth. I did not want to be induced so on the instruction of my midwives I went for acupuncture and took castor oil and that seemed to do the trick. Labour started later that evening and Cub Scout arrived in dramatic fashion - just a couple of hours of labour and he was here. I delivered him at home in our bedroom with the assistance of the midwives.
It was my perfect birth. I couldn't have asked for anything different. It was a wonderful experience.
Cub Scout is perfect and we are smitten with him.
Being a mommy is amazing. And still hard to believe some days. We aren't into any sort of routine yet. And the lack of sleep is challenging. I don't feel myself yet...I have to remind myself that it's not yet been 4 weeks since I gave birth and it will take time until I feel better.
These days Cub Scout and I just take it easy. Sleep and eat and rest is all we do. I would like to do more but outings seem like too much just yet. Maybe in a couple of more weeks.
It's amazing the love you feel for a child. There's nothing like it.
I love staring at him.
I love holding him.
I love nursing him.
I love seeing him in his daddy's arms.
I love seeing the love his grandparents have for him.
I am blessed.
Cub Scout arrived 12 days early at 38 weeks and 2 days. My water began leaking a couple of days before his birth. I did not want to be induced so on the instruction of my midwives I went for acupuncture and took castor oil and that seemed to do the trick. Labour started later that evening and Cub Scout arrived in dramatic fashion - just a couple of hours of labour and he was here. I delivered him at home in our bedroom with the assistance of the midwives.
It was my perfect birth. I couldn't have asked for anything different. It was a wonderful experience.
Cub Scout is perfect and we are smitten with him.
Being a mommy is amazing. And still hard to believe some days. We aren't into any sort of routine yet. And the lack of sleep is challenging. I don't feel myself yet...I have to remind myself that it's not yet been 4 weeks since I gave birth and it will take time until I feel better.
These days Cub Scout and I just take it easy. Sleep and eat and rest is all we do. I would like to do more but outings seem like too much just yet. Maybe in a couple of more weeks.
It's amazing the love you feel for a child. There's nothing like it.
I love staring at him.
I love holding him.
I love nursing him.
I love seeing him in his daddy's arms.
I love seeing the love his grandparents have for him.
I am blessed.
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