Week 22 - Everything You Wanted to Know and Everything I Want to Remember

How far along:  22 weeks  1 day

Total weight gain/loss:  Up 12 lbs. (Current weight = 110 lbs)

Maternity clothes:  Definitely wearing them now.  Mostly jeans and a few tops. Fortunately I can still find loose non-maternity fashions to fit me, though it is getting harder.

Stretch marks:  Still none (Thank God)

Sleep:  Uncomfortable.  Lots of back pain.  Some hip pain.  I seem to toss and turn a lot trying to get comfortable.  Have started sleeping with a pillow tucked under by belly and boobs which helps a bit.

Movement:  Lots of movement these days.  Especially (like now) when I'm sitting quietly at my desk at work.   Also movement at night when I go to bed and am lying there trying to fall asleep.  Recently saw my stomach 'jump' from the outside - it was amazing!

Cravings:  I'm craving just one night of uninterrupted sleep!  Food cravings - none

Aversions:  Maternity clothes - it's so hard to find decent looking ones that don't make me want to vomit.  Food aversions - none

Gender:  Boy (see She's a He post below).  Mr Scout still thinks it's a girl (he didn't want to know) and all our family and friends think girl.  Boy, are they going to be surprised :)

Symptoms:  Mildly sore hip, constant back pain, constantly congested, huge boobs (ugh, I hate them!)

What I miss:  My pre-pregnancy size zero body :(

What I look forward to:  Meeting my new little man! 

Moods:  Excited.  Happy.  Positive.

Milestones:  Anatomy ultrasound was perfectly normal!

Medical Concerns:  None

Weekly Wisdom:  Embrace being pregnant and try not to sweat the small stuff - it's goes by too fast

Worst moment this week:  None.  I really am so happy.

Best moment this week:  Taking a day off and reading out loud to Cub Scout while lying in bed.

Little Things

Just want to document a few little things that I want to remember but don't necessarily require their own post.

Anatomy Scan
I had my ultrasound a couple of weeks ago and Cub Scout and his little organs are developing perfectly normally. Woo Hoo!  It's such a relief to have a normally progressing pregnancy.

I had a 3D ultrasound and it was amazing.  The images of Cub Scout were so clear and it made it really real that I've got a little one incubating in there.  It was love at first sight.

Heartbeat
Mr. Scout came to my last midwife appointment with me and he got to hear Cub Scout's heartbeat for the first time.  I'm so glad he finally heard it.  It's an amazing thing to experience and I sometimes forget how different this pregnancy is for him than me.  It's nice for him to have moments he can experience other than just watching my belly and boobs grow!

Leg Cramps
Holy pain!  Thankfully I've only had one episode of leg cramping but it was a doozy.  It was brief but it was painful.  Here's hoping it was a one-time only occurrence!

Gifts
We have been so fortunate to have been gifted many baby items already.  A dear friend gave me tons of clothes and baby gear.  As did a neighbour.  My mom bought Cub Scout his first "I Love Daddy" item.  My mom also got us a high chair, playpen and car seat.  My dad and his wife bought Cub Scout his first rattle.  My mom's partner bought Cub Scout his bassinet.  Another dear friend bought Cub Scout his first teething toy.  And of course Mommy, being the fashion whore that I am, has been buying Cub Scout far too many cute clothes :)  And the best gift of all - the baby book that Daddy gave Mommy on Christmas morning to record all of Cub Scouts firsts - I can't wait to start using it.

Kicks
Little Cub Scout is kicking up a storm and there's a definite pattern to his kicking.  I feel the kicks most often during the day as I'm sitting quietly at my desk at work.  I also feel kicks at night upon retiring to bed.  Last week for the first time I saw my belly jump when he kicked.  What a sight to behold!  On days when I feel less movement all I can think about it how much I want to feel him kick :)  Mr. Scout has felt the kicks a few times and he loves it too.

Prenatal Yoga
What a treat!  My yoga instructor is a doula and a mom of two boys.  The wealth of knowledge that she shares with us is priceless.  I love being in class with the other pregnant mommas and seeing everyone's beautiful bellies.  When doing our deep breathing exercises the instructor reminds us to "hug our babies into our bellies" and in those moments I feel like I'm sending my little one so much love.

Belly Rubs
Mr. Scout loves to rub my belly and talk to Cub Scout and it melts my heart every single time.

Back Pain
Not pleasant, but not much I can do about it.  My thin body frame was not built to handle big boobs and a big belly :)

Guilt and Gratitude

22 weeks tomorrow.  Where has the time gone?  Most days I'm still shocked that I'm actually pregnant.  Growing up, I never longed to be a mother.  When we started trying to conceive and we struggled I wondered if I'd ever be pregnant.  Now I'm here, and it still surprises me.

I try very hard to be grateful every single moment of every single day for this pregnancy.  And I am grateful, I truly am.  But on days when I feel frustrated that my pregnant body no longer fits into clothes the way it used I feel vain...and guilty.  On days when I still feel like I'm mourning the daughter that I longed for rather than being overjoyed for the son that I'm having I feel like the worst person on the face of the earth...and guilty.  On days when I'm worried more about all the stuff we have to buy for the baby and getting the house in order I feel like I'm not taking enough time to relish in being pregnant...and I feel guilty.

I need to stop beating myself up over these feelings.  I need to stop sweating the small stuff and embrace this pregnancy and remember to appreciate every single moment of it.  This may very well be my only pregnancy ever.  I don't want to look back on this time and feel like it went by too fast and I didn't enjoy it enough.

That's not to say I spend the majority of my time feeling ungrateful.  Quite the opposite in fact.  Every day I look in the mirror and marvel at my changing body.  When I feel little Cub Scout kick it's the greatest feeling.  Lately I'm becoming more and more in love with the idea that we're going to be parents and what that will entail.  I'm excited by the thought that I will have the opportunity to be a nurturer and caregiver and role model to someone and that Mr. Scout and I will be a team in a way we haven't been before.  The thought of raising littles with Mr. Scout and the type of father he will be fills my heart with so much love words cannot even express it. 

So this is a reminder to myself to stop sweating the small stuff - it's just that, small stuff.  

And to end this post, I love this quote as it describes how I feel most days:

"Everything grows rounder and wider and weirder, and I sit here in the middle of it all and wonder who in the world you will turn out to be."  Carrie Fisher

She's a He

Gestation:  19 weeks & 3 days
Weight:  106 lbs

I found out this week that my little Cub Scout, who everyone thought was going to be a girl actually has a penis :)  Yep, this little one is all boy.

I had mixed emotions.  It was absolutely amazing to see the 3D images of his little face - and what an adorable little face it is - he's got the cutest little lips and mouth and I can't wait to shower his face with kisses. 

It was a relief to finally know what gender I've been carrying around for the last 19 weeks and now I don't have to spend the rest of the pregnancy wondering.  I hate surprises and could not imagine not knowing whether I was having a girl or a boy.

I am not sad I'm having a boy.  But I do feel a bit of a loss for not having the girl that I dreamed of.  Of course, I just want a healthy baby and I would love to have at least one of each gender.  And as someone pointed out, I didn't go through infertility and IVF to have a girl, I did it to have a baby.  But at the end of the day I have a special affinity for girls and women and I really wanted the opportunity to raise a fantastic, strong, confident, feminist daughter who would break down barriers.  Yes, I know, that's projecting a lot onto a girl who would be her own person regardless of what I wanted her to be. 

But, maybe having a boy will teach me things about boys and men that I need to learn.  And how can I not be happy about having a mini version of Mr. Cub Scout joining our clan?  I know some amazing men - Mr. Cub Scout of course.  My father is one-of-a-kind amazing.  My grandfather was one of the kindest souls I've ever know.  I have some really good male friends.  I adore my nephew.  Boys aren't so bad :)

And who's to say I can't raise a fantastic, strong, confident, feminist SON!

I don't know if we'll ever have another biological child.  But maybe we will.  And maybe I will have a daughter.  Or maybe I'd have another boy and the two of them would grow up to have an amazing brother bond.  One thing I know is that no one knows what the future holds.  I never in a million years thought I'd have to deal with infertility and undergo IVF!  You just never know.

In the few days since I've learned that she's a he I've also learned that gender disappointment is not uncommon.  It's normal to have hopes and dreams for your family and a certain vision of what that family looks like.  While I may not have pictured having a son, I am pretty confident that once he arrives I won't be able to imagine him being anyone other than the amazing little man he's going to be. 

One positive, at least I won't have to deal with all the princess-crap that is forced upon little girls.  If I were having a girl I'd be thwarting all things princess-y and Barbie at every turn!  I suppose this little guy could turn out to love all things princess/Barbie related...but if that were the case I don't think it would be as damaging to his self-image :)

Week 18 - Everything You Wanted to Know and Everything I Want to Remember

How far along:  18 weeks 

Total weight gain/loss:  Up 7lbs. (Current weight = 105lbs)

Maternity clothes:  I think I have to go shopping for some tomorrow!  Everything is feeling tight and I can't button or zip any of my bottoms.

Stretch marks:  None (Thank God)

Sleep:  Getting better - first trimester exhaustion seems to be on its way out and I have a bit more energy these days so less sleep is required.  Unfortunately still waking 2-3 times per night to pee.

Movement:  YES!!!!  THIS MORNING!!!  FOR THE FIRST TIME!!!  It was amazing :)

Cravings:  None

Aversions:  None

Gender:  Still unknown but my heart says girl and I have one week to go until my ultrasound to fine out for sure!

Symptoms:  Easily fatigued, sore hip, mild back pain, constantly congested

What I miss:  My pre-pregnancy body :(

What I look forward to:  Ultrasound on March 1st to find out the sex! 

Moods:  Excited - feeling the baby, starting to buy baby things, thinking about decorating the nursery

Milestones:  Passed my genetic screening tests - screen negative/low risk!

Medical Concerns:  Small amount of protein in last urine sample

Weekly Wisdom:  Try not stress out about how much weight you are supposed to gain!

Worst moment this week: Having to tug a little harder to pull my skirt up over my hips

Best moment this week:  Feeling Cub Scout move!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Housekeeping

A housekeeping note - I changed the title of the blog - not that this notice matters since I don't really have any followers :)    Why the change?  The original title "We're not barren...we're reproductively challenged" was a quote from Charlotte in an episode of Sex and the City.  I liked the quote, even though I never loved the word barren.  Also, now that I'm pregnant, I didn't want someone who is struggling with IF to stumble upon the blog only to find out it's not being written by someone who is currently sharing in their struggle.  Infertility will always be part of my story, part of who I am, but I know from experience it can be difficult to read about others' pregnancy success when you are struggling and I didn't want anyone to be misled by the title.

I chose the title "Pregnant by Numbers" because everything surrounding trying to conceive and actually being pregnant seems to be about numbers!

When trying to conceive:

• cycle day number
• number of days past ovulation
• the two week wait
• number of IU's or mg's for medications
• number of follicles
• number of eggs produced
• sperm numbers
• your AGE
• progesterone number
• number of years/months trying to conceive
• number of procedures - eg.  IUI #1, IVF #2
• number of eggs retrieved
• number of embryos transferred
• etc. etc. etc.

When pregnant:

• beta numbers
• number of weeks + days pregnant
• number of days until due date
• baby's heart rate
• your blood pressure
• your WEIGHT
• genetic screening numbers - e.g. 1:1,160 risk of...
• etc. etc. etc.

I'm sure there are many more numbers I'm forgetting.  But whether you are trying to conceive or pregnant it seems everything is numbered and it reminds me of the Paint by Numbers crafts I used to enjoy as a kid!

Sick & Tired of Eating

Yep, I am perhaps the only pregnant woman to ever say she is sick and tired of eating.  I feel like I eat all the time and I'm tired of it.  I'm not even gaining weight!  I've gained 7lbs total this pregnancy - 28lbs to go - as per my midwife's instruction to gain 35lbs!  How the hell am I going to do that??!!

I've never been a big eater.  I've never had an eating disorder, just never had a love relationship with food.  For me food has always been something I eat when I'm hungry, and only when I'm hungry.  And I've never loved junk food or had much of a sweet tooth.  Don't get me wrong, I can enjoy good meals.  There's nothing I like more than sitting down to a huge plate of Indian food (my favourite).  But eating just for eating's sake...not my thing.

With my new eating habits I feel full all the time and I don't enjoy it.  I'm even eating things I wouldn't normally eat just to try and pack on some pounds.  Ice cream, chocolate cake, cupcakes, grilled cheese sandwiches on - ack! - white bread and sweet potato fries.  My poor body probably doesn't know what to do with all this unfamiliar food. 

Instead of a soup/salad combo for lunch I had cheese tortellini and garlic bread the other day.  That's a huge meal for me to eat midday.  I now eat breakfast at home and then come to the office and eat more breakfast.  I don't know where all these extra calories are going.  It's not like I'm burning them off exercising - because I don't have the energy to do any of the activities I used to do.  I used to go for long walks at lunch time.  I used to take the stairs, now I take escalators.  I used to clean my house like a mad woman, now I'm embarrased at the dust bunnies under my furniture.

Hmmm...perhaps these extra food calories are simply replacing the calories I used to consume in drinking wine ;)